Fantasy Football Rankings

The NFL rules! I have literally nothing else to live for!

FOOTBALL IS BACK, ARGHGHHHHGHHHH!!! *ejaculates in own pants*

This also means it’s about time to start putting together your fantasy leagues, and thinking of funny and mildly offensive names for your team. Mine? Travis Henry’s Magic School Bus. Maybe the Bengals Etiquette School or Marshawn Lynch’s Traffic School. I digress. Today, I’m here to bring you the top 5 power rankings for the important fantasy positions. Except kickers, who are gay, and defense, because that’s fucking stupid. Just pick Vinatieri or something, then pick the Chargers or Ravens or else your defense will be mediocre. ANYWAY, I’ll start with Tight End.

Tight Ends
1. Antonio Gates He’s the best TE in the league by a long shot, and if Phil Rivers has a better year this year, then expect Antonio to put up more points than he did last year.

2. Jason Witten Now that the Cowboys are without Terry Glenn or any other weapon as a second receiver, expect Witten to get a boost in all the important stat categories.

3. Kellen Winslow Over 1,000 yards receiving last year, the first time he actually played a season. Despite being a raging douchebag, he can only get better on the field.

4. Dallas Clark 10 TDs last year, and with Marvin Harrison apparently on the decline Clark should see a little more of the ball from Peyton.

5. Chris Cooley Though I have a strong distaste for the ‘Skins, Cooley and Jason Campbell have a knack for finding each other, and Campbell’s due for some improvement this year.

Apologies to: Tony Gonzalez. The Chiefs just suck way too bad.

Sleepers: Tony Scheffler, DEN, and Dustin Kellar, NYJ. Scheffler missed 4 games last year but played great after his return and Cutler should not be dying of Diabetes. Kellar is a rookie, but will serve in a Dallas Clark type role for Favre and the Jets this year. As a Jets fan, I hope this pick wasn’t secretly shitty.

Next up, Wide Receivers

1. Randy F. Moss: I guess it’s safe to say his career didn’t die in Oakland.

2. T.O.: He is clearly the second best receiver in the league, but I’m a little worried that with Pat Crayton as the second receiver T.O. will face difficult double teams all year.

3. Reggie Wayne: Monster year last year, and with Marvin Harrison back he should see more single coverage than he did last season.

4. Braylon Edwards: Another guy who was huge last season. The Browns’ young and talented offense should see improvement, and Braylon won’t be an exception.

5. Andre Johnson: Andre Johnson is the Texans’ insanely talented receiver who missed a lot of last year with injuries. If him and Matt Schaub avoid the injury bug this year, he should put up huge numbers.

Apologies to: Ocho Cinco, Larry Fitzgerald.

Sleeper: Brandon Marshall (DEN), if he stops putting his arms through TV screens, could have a breakout year.

On to: QBs

1. Sexy Rexy Grossman: Before you react like that, read this article. Now, try and justify not picking him 1st overall. Another good Fantasy team name: The Sex Cannons.

2. Tom Brady: Throwing a record number of TDs in a season is an effective way to put up fantasy points.

3. Peyton Manning: Peyton is always going to get his stats. He just won’t put up Brady-type numbers because he doesn’t have the most explosive receiver ever on his team.

4. Drew Brees: With Marques Colston healthy and the addition of Jeremy Shockey, Drew’s numbers should improve a little, although he was still outstanding last year.

5. Tony Romo: With T.O., Jason Witten, and … well that’s it really, which lowers his rank a bit. But Romo is still a great fantasy QB despite his struggles in clutch situations.

Apologies to: Carson Palmer. I don’t trust Chad Johnson enough to put you in with Sexy Rexy and the top 5, but should still be a fine pick.

Sleepers: Jay Cutler. Now that he won’t be dying of diabetes all year long, Cutler will have a breakout season. Vanderbilt, fuck yeah.

Finally, RBs.

1. LDT: Lawrence Taylor is LT. Aside from this, LaDanian is the obvious top pick at RB.

2. Brian Westbrook: Westbrook always leads the league in yards from scrimmage, and he has injury problems but he plays through them without losing effectiveness. He always gets underrated in fantasy, and I refuse to do it this year. Which means he’ll probably tear an ACL or something.

3. Steven Jackson: The Rams will get Bulger back at QB injury free, and Orlando Pace, one of the greatest O-Tackles of all time, will be back and healthy. despite his holdout, expect Jackson to run all over defenses this year.

4. Joseph Addai: A guy who seems to always score TDs on what has consistently been one of the most high-powered offenses in the league is a good fantasy pick up. Addai should see some improvement in his 2nd year as the team’s number one back.

5. Adrian Peterson: Could be higher, but defenses will put 7 or 8 in the box against AP all year and force Tavaris Jackson to beat them. Jackson hasn’t shown that ability yet, and unlike most people, I’m not ready to crown AP the messiah after one season. (Better than LT? Surely you can’t be serious.)

Apologies to: Clinton Portis and Marshawn Lynch. I will now be looking both ways when crossing the street. Just kidding, I always look both ways. Stay in school, kids.

Sleepers: Thomas Jones, NYJ. A good season 2 years ago, should see a big jump up from last year’s stats with the Jets’ re-vamped O-line. Felix Jones, DAL. A speedy rookie from Arkansas who missed out on the limelight playing behind Darren McFadden at school. He compliments bruiser Marion Barber (III) perfectly, and should surprise people this year.

Best of luck to all of you in your fantasy seasons. If you hope to do well this year, for the love of Christ, do not pay any attention to what I just wrote.