Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

I’m Sorry I’m Not Sorry

Posted by DrFunke on August 17, 2009

I’d like to talk to you guys about the HBO show “True Blood.” You know, the one with the vampires and Anna Paquin ballin’ out in a small Louisiana town. Let me get this out of the way: the show is complete trash. Every episode ends with a cheap cliffhanger that rarely ends up amounting to anything. (Remember the episode of “South Park” where everyone’s waiting for this one show to use the word “shit” on air for the first time? Then when it finally happens, it’s just one guy talking to another saying, “Hey, you got some shit on the side of your mouth.” That’s the best way to describe the pay-off you get from most TB cliffhangers.) All of the characters are pretty much exaggerated stereotypes. The show’s idea of giving a character depth is to make them 2 different stereotypes at once, like being a gay black dude. Pretty much every character is a sex addict, and none of their interactions even moderately resemble something that would happen in real life. The only consistent occurrences on the show are sex and violence. This is the show your parents watch, then follow up with the comment “This show is the end of Western Civilization.”

And I absolutely fucking love it.

“BUT DR FUNKE YOU LIKE SHOWS ABOUT VAMPIRES YOU ARE SUCH A FAGET YOU LIKE TWILIGHT WHERE’S MY HELMET ROFL” you say to me. It’s a show essentially about vampires, but it is not like that pussy “Twilight” stuff. The vampires on this show are badasses who like to bone stuff and then eat it and do other generally awesome things. The show explores vampire culture and society in really, really interesting and unique ways that will definitely pique your interest. On TB they burn into dust when exposed to sunlight, take in willing humans to feed on them and subsequently bang them, reveal that they created many rumors about their weaknesses to protect themselves over the centuries, and generally just kick ass. These are the vampires that terrified you as a kid, not the ones who bone whiny fat chicks and sparkle in sunlight. Also, a few drops of their blood sends humans into a euphoric state, or can heal severe injuries almost instantly.

Really, the show only appeals to my most base instincts, especially enjoyment from excessive sexual and violent content. And who am I to deny my instincts? God/Allah/Billy Zane made me this way for a reason. Besides, there are orgies in season 2. Orgies. Where else can you find that on TV?

Oh yeah, the show is also pretty clearly supposed to be a metaphor for civil rights (gay rights, race relations, etc.), but no one gives a shit about that because it’s boring and no one can bone civil rights. Here’s my synopsis of season 1: a Japanese company starts manufacturing synthetic blood, vampires start to try to integrate to normal society. Some people don’t like this, so there’s opposition. People have sex a lot, some people get murdered, there’s a mystery, and I have a fucking great time. The show is also unique because I basically couldn’t care less about the main 2 characters and the main story arc. I love the show for the supporting characters. Let’s get into that.

Sookie Stackhouse – played by Anna Paquin. She can read people’s minds, and has had the ability her whole life. Her telepathy makes her valuable to vampires as you eventually learn. She falls in love with Bill, a vampire, and is then subject to much scrutiny (all of which she hears via telepathy) by pretty much her entire town. She is annoying as shit, but pretty hot and gets naked a bunch of times. Weigh the pros and cons.

Bill Compton – main guy vampire played by some guy. Bill is occasionally pretty compelling, like when you learn about his past (he was a Confederate soldier and was turned into a vamp during the Civil War). But his love story with Sookie pretty much blows. Again, the 2 main characters are probably my 2 least favorite.

Jason Stackhouse – Jason Stackhouse is Sookie’s much more awesomely named brother. As far as I can gather, he stopped attending school after the third grade, worked out constantly for about 9 straight years, then started banging everything ever and has yet to stop. He is absolutely fantastic, providing plenty of comedy and most of the sex scenes in the first season.

Tara something – Sookie’s best friend, a black girl with a fresh new character type: sassy from a broken home. Oh wait, that’s every black character in movie/TV history? Alright, I’ll talk to you guys later.

Lafayette – Tara’s gay black drug-dealing cousin, who works as a cook at a bar called Merlotte’s with basically all the other main characters. Lafayette is 1 of my 2 favorite characters, and is making me wonder why I always find the badass gay black dudes on HBO shows to be so awesome (See: Little, Omar). He is always hilarious, occasionally beats the crap out of a redneck. (Sample: some hick finds out Lafayette is cooking his burger, and jokes he doesn’t want AIDS from his food. Lafayette comes out, silences the entire place, and announces that from now on all Merlotte’s burgers would be prepared with AIDS. He then beats the piss out of the redneck, and throws him out of the bar. A day in the life of a short-order cook.) Finally, he calls people “hooker” affectionately, and that is awesome.

Sam Merlotte – owner of Merlotte’s, has an uncomfortable crush on Sookie. That aside, he’s generally a likable character with kind of a cool shady past. He has very solid fashionable stubble, and provides most of the only interesting moments in the Bill and Sookie relationship.

Eric – The vampire “sheriff” of that specific part of Louisiana. He is huge and Nordic looking. Eventually, it gets revealed that he was turned into a vampire when he was a Viking warrior and HOLY SHIT THAT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME. Eric is a total bad ass, and he needs his own TV show. Also, he maybe wants to bang Sookie but whatever. He needs to focus on more being sweet and killing things and generally dismissing everyone with wank motions.

There are plenty more minor characters of note, but those are the ones worth focusing on to start. Anyway, watch this show. It’ll be worth your time, because this is America and who doesn’t love sex and violence and a relatively solidly written show with a cool and original concept? Everyone? People are just watching “Jon and Kate Plus 8”? I quit.

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Review of Funny People

Posted by DrFunke on August 6, 2009

The night after I saw “Funny People” one of my family members went to see it as well. When she asked me how it was, I said “Leave after about an hour and a half.” In retrospect, this is what made the movie merely pretty good as opposed to really really great (which it could’ve been). The movie is really great, all the way up to the moment where Sandler and Rogen get in a car to go see Sandler’s ex-fiance.

There were a lot of positives. I absolutely loved the writing. It was a ballsy move to make such a dark comedy, and at times this movie uses everyone’s fear of death and mortality to create some hilarious moments. Some of the stand-up scenes were pretty entertaining, though some of it wasn’t too good. The characters and dialogue all felt real, which is something that Apatow movies execute surprisingly and consistently well.

One thing that really surprised me was how good the acting was. I don’t really like Seth Rogen’s acting, but he did well in his role as Ira, basically a struggling comic who starts working with his idol (Sandler’s character, George Simmons) and is completely awestruck being around the guy. Jonah Hill was awesome as always, Jason Schwartzmann’s character was damn funny, and a lot of the random supporting characters provided great moments. There were plenty of cameos from famous people, but none beat James Taylor and Eminem. I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence. Leslie Mann and Eric Bana both acted really well, the only problem is that their characters basically ruined the fucking movie.

Adam Sandler was absolutely phenomenal. He absolutely nailed the role, which makes me think that in real life it’s very possible that he’s just kind of a grumpy selfish asshole. But every scene, whether being scared of dying, whether joking around with Rogen, or whether trying to re-kindle his romance with his ex, Sandler was just great. He genuinely brought a lot of depth to a character that couldn’t have worked without it. Part of the interesting thing about his character is that it’s really just “what if Adam Sandler never got married and was dying?” There’s a lot about Sandler’s character no longer doing stand-up and just doing a whole bunch of crappy kids movies to make money, and how that leaves him feeling unfulfilled with his life and career when he realizes he may be dying. Again, he couldn’t have been better.

Oddly enough, I thought the funniest part of the movie was by far the first 2 or 3 minutes. Judd Apatow and Sandler were actually roommates in New York something like 20 years ago before either of them had done anything of note or achieved any kind of fame. Apatow apparently filmed a bunch of the things they did, and some of those tapes were Sandler making prank phone calls. I nearly peed in my pants. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard at anything, and since it was 2 minutes straight I thought I was going to break a rip. It was just one of those moments that reminded you why, for a while, he wasn’t Adam Sandler making dumb kids’ movies. He was Adam Motherfucking Sandler, one of the most hilarious people on the face of the earth. In all honesty, that first sequence makes the movie more than worth it.

I liked this movie. The problem is that the last 45 minutes or so were just not entertaining. I spent the whole time looking at my phone like I was waiting to get out of class. There were barely any laughs, and the whole romance arc was just not necessary at all. Really, it was just so unexpected that it ended up taking away from how good the movie is before that. Either way, I’d still say “Funny People” lives up to it’s name, and is definitely worth watching.

Final Grade: B

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Best College Basketball Program of this Decade (2000-2009)

Posted by Mac10 on July 27, 2009

Sorry for the month long delay between posts, but I will make up for it with the best researched post in the history of this blog. This is a list of the best college basketball programs of this decade (2000-2009).

The point structure:

2 points for every NCAA Tourney appearance

5 points for every regular season conference title

5 points for every conference tourney title

5 points for every Sweet 16 appearance

10 points for every Elite 8 appearance

20 points for every Final 4 appearance

30 points for every Finals appearance

50 points for every National Championship

(The tourney points are cumulative ex. 2009 UNC team won 117 points for its tourney run and 2009 MSU won 67)

20. Xavier (91)

A very consistent team throughout the decade that has taken advantage of a weakened A-10 with 5 regular season conference titles. They have made the NCAAs 8 times in 10 years, but have only advanced to the Sweet 16 3 times. They are 2-1 once they get to the Sweet 16, but failed to make a Final 4. It will be interesting to see if they keep this up if they continue to lose good young coaches (Thad Matta, Sean Miller).

19. Kentucky (93)

A very down decade for one of college basketball’s premier programs. Tubby Smith got them to the tourney every year, but only made 2 Elite 8s and no Final 4s. Billy Gillespie missed the tourney in his 2nd year and was quickly escorted from the state. Look for them to take back their rightful place among the game’s elite with great recruiter/probable cheater John Calipari at the helm.

18. Wisconsin (100)

Consistent and consistently boring, Wisconsin made the tourney every year. They only had 2 regular season conference titles and 2 conference tourney titles, but they were helped by 2 Elite 8 appearances and a surprising Final Four run in 2000 as a 8 seed.

17. Oklahoma (103)

I am still bitter at Oklahoma for not winning it all when I picked them as my dark horse in the Hollis Price year. Anyway, they haven’t been great in conference play (1 reg season, 3 conf tourney), but they have taken advantage of good tourney runs by going 3-0 in Sweet 16 games and advancing to one Final Four.

16. Louisville (104)

They have come on strong with two straight Elite 8 appearances after a weak start to the decade. Expect to see them near the top all next decade with Rick Pitino constantly bringing in talented athletes with questionable motors and basketball IQs.

15. Texas (105)

Texas has been helped by its consistency and ability to play up to its seed by making the tourney every year and advancing to 5 Sweet 16s. Once you make it to the second weekend, though, coaching usually matters, thus explaining why Texas has only made it to 1 Final Four.

14. Ohio St. (107)

They only made it to the tourney 6 times. They only made 1 Sweet 16. Still, they are #14 because they did really well in their conference (4 reg season, 2 conf tourney) and turned that Sweet 16 appearance into a Finals appearance. They will probably be higher next decade if Thad Matta can ever get a big guy to stay longer than one year.

13. Gonzaga (125)

Playing the WCC does have its advantages (9 reg season, 8 conf tourney), but the lack of NCAA success keeps Gonzaga out of the top 10. Gonzaga does have 4 Sweet 16 appearances and should have an Elite 8 appearance if JP Batista was strong with the ball, but look for them to be a dark horse next year now that team cancer Austin Daye is gone.

12. Illinois (126)

(Note: I am a Jazz fan) Deron Williams is so awesome. That game against Arizona in the Elite 8 when they were down 15 and he simply refused to lose is probably my favorite NCAA tourney game. Anyway, they have been solid the rest of the decade, but Bruce Weber needs to recruit better players than Jeffrey Jordan if they want to get back to this level.

11. Arizona (145)

Is there anybody out there who likes Arizona? The way Lute Olsen handled his retirement was pretty despicable and unfair to nice guy/Hoop Dreams guest star Kevin O’Neill. They benefited from making the tourney every year as well as making it to the 2001 championship game.

10. Memphis (157)

They would be #6 if only they learned, like I did as a youth basketball player, that you have got to make your easys. And not give them easys, of course. Alas, brilliant scholar Derrick Rose couldn’t make his FTs and they are #10. They took advantage of C-USA once all the other big boy schools left (the last 4 reg season and conf tourney titles) and have made it to 3 out of the last 4 Elite 8s. Also, thanks for ruining my bracket by losing to Missouri. Tyreke Evans, why hast thou forsaken me?

9. Syracuse (169)

Winning a title sure will ease the pain of missing 3 NCAAs this decade. While they have made 5 Sweet 16s, their title run in 2003 was their only foray into the Elite 8. They have also done decently well in the rugged Big East with 2 reg season and 2 conf tourney titles. They also have one of my favorite players of the decade in G-Mac.

8. Maryland (176)

Much like Syracuse, they would have no business in the Top 10 except for their 2002 title.  They missed the NCAAs 3 times, they only won 1 reg season and 1 conf tourney title,  and they only made the Sweet 16 3 times. Still, they turned those 3 Sweet 16 appearances into 2 Final Fours and managed to regroup in 2002 after choking away the Finals to Duke in 2001.

7. UCLA (201)

They really haven’t done as well as I thought in the Pac-10 (3 reg season and 2 conf tourney titles), but their 3 straight Final Four appearances make them a very worthy Top 10 entry. They still can’t get that elusive national championship as the curse of Steve Lavin lives on.

6. UConn (231)

Just a very solid resume for UConn this decade. 1 Title, 2 total Final Four appearances, 4 Elite 8s, and 4 reg season titles. Looks like Jim Calhoun earns every dime. Also, they are probably a bunch of paid cheaters who are coached by a complete asshole, but that’s just my opinion. And Rudy Gay is the softest player* in college basketball history.

5. Duke (255)

No matter how I messed with the numbers, I couldn’t keep Duke out of the top 5. I ran some of the numbers for the 90s and Duke blows everybody out of the water so it’s nice to see them fall this far. The recent tourney failures has shown that Duke no longer has elite talent and Coach K might want to spend a little less time on Team USA and more time telling John Wall that Durham homes are much easier to break into than Lexington homes (more homeowners have shotguns in Lexington).

4. MSU (310)

I am required by law to mention blue collar worker and rebounding when I talk about MSU. Now that the legal requirements are out of the way, it’s safe to say Tom Izzo is a pretty great tourney coach. They have made 6 Sweet 16s which led to 5 Elite 8s which led to 4 Final 4s. That is a sign of great coaching. Also, a sign of blue collar workers and great rebounding.

3. Kansas (325)

Is Bill Self a good coach? The question has tormented me. Unquestionably, he is a great recruiter. On the sidelines, though, I think I could have done a better job than him in the 2008 tourney. How a team that talented almost lost to Davidson, I’ll never know. They have dominated the Big XII (7 reg season and 3 conf tourney titles) and have 7 Sweet 16 appearances and 5 Elite 8 showings to go along with 3 Final 4s.

2. UF (336)

Outside of 2000, 2006, and 2007, this is a not a good program. Winning 2 titles and making another Finals appearance, though, will put you in the top 2. They actually only have 1 regular season conference title. I still don’t think Donovan is a very good coach. He had one fluky run in 2000 that should have ended in the first round to Butler, and a great recruiting class that led to 2 titles. Much more representative of his coaching skills are his losses to Manhattan and Creighton in the 1st round as well as the last 2 NIT teams.

1. UNC (366)

Philosophical question: If no one else was on the court, could Tyler Hansbrough still draw a foul? I say yes. He is simply that good. Not only is UNC the best program of the decade, they also have the best team of the decade (2009). For those of you who point out the 2007 Gators, I need only point out the Taurean Green-Ty Lawson matchup and you will be silenced. The Heels have 5 reg season conf titles, but only 2 conf tourney titles (because Roy knows when to keep his players fresh. He is so wise.) They have far and away my favorite player of the decade, Rashad McCants (who is inspiring my tattoos on both arms: “Born to be Hated” on one and “Dyin to be Loved” on the other). They have 4 Final 4s with 2 titles and one year we don’t talk about (thanks for the turnovers, Brian Morrison). They also completely owned Duke recently, and that should make everyone happy.

*Except for Austin Daye

The rest of the top 50 after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Dr. Funke’s Songs of the Week

Posted by DrFunke on July 26, 2009

Game on assholes.

1. The Fratellis – Flathead – I would’ve looked a lot more indy-cool if I had posted this about 3 years ago.

2. The Old 97’s – Question – Simply a great song if you’re in a sappy mood and enjoy wearing scarves and being emo.

3. Drive By Truckers – Women Without Whiskey – This song’s about boning and drinking, so we’re for it. Also, Drive By Truckers are secretly an awesome Southern Rock band and I feel cool telling you about them.

4a. Bruce Springsteen – Incident on 57th Street – Bruce is a God among men. This is reason 1090978079080 why. There’s never enough Bruce.

4b. Bruce Springsteen – My City of Ruin – This uplifting ditty was a song Bruce wrote about September 11th. The moral of the story is that Bruce Springsteen is amazing. Thank you for your time.

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Dr. Funke’s Songs of the Week

Posted by DrFunke on July 16, 2009

What’s up, bitches? It’s time for me to confuse you with my musical choices. Let us begin.

1A. Pearl Jam – “Crazy Mary (Live)” – Pearl Jam is awesome. They have a lot of songs that have no shot of getting radio play but are still amazing, and this is one of them. It’s one of their concert showstoppers, mostly because the song builds itself up, and it finishes by rocking way harder than you could ever expect it to. The reason this is 1A is because:

1B. Pearl Jam – “Blood” – If you haven’t heard Eddie Vedder scream before, I recommend it. Also, this song proves my working theory that if it’s used right, the “wah-wah” guitar pedal makes every song sound about 10 times cooler.

2. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band – “Backstreets” – I don’t know why I’m really into unexpected screaming from bad ass lead singers this week, but I am so deal with it. This was one of the better songs I’ve ever seen played live. The other best songs I’ve ever seen live were also all Bruce songs, because he’s Jesus you see.

3. 2Pac ft. Elton John (you’re reading that right) – “Ghetto Gospel” – 2Pac is my favorite rapper, ahead of like the only other 3 rappers I think are talented. Also, the comedy of imagining Pac and Elton John interacting is a plus. How is it that Elton has done famous duets with 2 of the most controversial rappers ever? First 2Pac, then his live appearance with Eminem. Elton, you are one of hip-hop’s finest. I think it’s time you bless us with a “Crocodile Rock” remix, featuring T.I. and Dirt Nasty.

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“You, Sir, are a Weak, Timid, and Untrustworthy Homosexual”

Posted by DrFunke on July 14, 2009

Reader, rap is primarily pretty horrible. Except for a few of the best, rappers in general can barely form sentences and only rap about 2 or 3 different things. (Namely, in the words of Jay-Z, a.k.a. Hova, “Money, cash. Money, cash, hoes.”) One thing I always found hilarious was to translate rap lyrics into the real English language because it basically proves rap is never about anything different, and basically guys find ways to say the exact same thing over and over. I can listen to it if I’m wasted, but for the most part I just like to laugh at it. Someone who also has internet access seems to agree with me, and I cannot stop watching this video. I figured I’d share my joy and musical snobbery.

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Awesome TV Show Review: The 650LB Virgin

Posted by jeanclaudevandangles on July 13, 2009

Now right off the bat I just want to say that while this title is certainly nothing short of awesome, the show actually had some sad parts mixed in the unintentional comedy. The title itself is also somewhat deceptive since the dude is not actually 650 lbs. I would say that a more accurate title would be “The formerly really fat guy who know is a very average weight but who is way too socially awkward to ever get laid”. Anyway, the opening sequence was arguably the best part and it was like a preview for the movie Bruno in that it showed most of the funny parts in the preview and the feature presentation was more disgusting than anything. For example the preview had such wonderful stories like the time when the guy went for a goodnight kiss and ended up missing and kissing the poor girls eye. But then you get to the main show where he talks about how he has no friends because his first friend ever molested him. Awkward, and a real buzz kill. Don’t get me wrong, the show did contain plenty of hilarious moments, but it didn’t always follow the scientific premise that all fat people are jolly. One of my favorite parts when he went to this dating coach to help with his flirting, or as he likes to call it, “Flirt Camp”. While at “Flirt Camp”, his instructor asks him what he would rate himself on a Flirt Scale of 1-10 and his response is “I would rate myself a 5, but ultimately I would like to be a master jedi. Right now I think I’m only at Luke Skywalker level”. Really? Answers like this could perhaps be the reason you have trouble talking to women. Just a thought. At this same camp he was doing a sort of “Flirting Walkthrough” and was trying to seal the deal to get this chicks number. He elected to go with the classic, “How should I get in contact with you? Oh you have a phone? I have a phone too!”. While certainly a textbook line, I would have expected him to come up with something better seeing as he pretty much didn’t leave his house from the ages of 17-30. In all that time, and in all the TV that he most certainly watched, was there really no better line that he saw used? Anyway, the moral of the story is that this guy was a huge morale booster, since his slump is like a million times longer than mine and I am at least a 6 on the flirting scale. In closing, I wanted to point out that at one point he said that the worst thing ever thrown at him in high school was dog poop and that it made him feel a lot like garbage. Interestingly enough dude I don’t think even garbage gets dog poop thrown at it. So, yeah that really sucks…

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Hunter S. Motherfucking Thompson

Posted by DrFunke on July 10, 2009

Readers and other assorted hoes, there are few people who represent what this blog stands for better than the late Hunter S. Motherfucking Thompson. You decide which parts of that actually made up his legal name. Anyway, Hunter drank hard liquor, did drugs (our stance is hazy but for the purposes of this post, I’m for it), wrote some amazing goddamn stuff (and that’s only one article), and shot guns at shit like it was nobody’s business.

Other people who are awesome: Conan O’Brien. His humor is nerdy enough to attract my nerd sensibilities, but not quite nerdy enough for me to punch myself in the face for laughing at his jokes. If you’ve learned anything from my writing, then you’re severely lacking in education, common sense, and chromosomes. But that aside, you may have noticed that I have an odd enough sense of humor to enjoy the combination of gunshots, hard liquor, and nerdy jokes all at once. I’m sorry if you’ve read enough things I’ve written to notice this, and I present the link to this video as my apology:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/58209/late-night-with-conan-obrien-hunter-s-thompson

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Awesome TV Show Review of The Week: 16 and Pregnant

Posted by jeanclaudevandangles on July 8, 2009

So I decided for my first post I would follow the rich tradition already laid out by Dr. Funke: Starting weekly things that won’t necessarily last more than a week. I feel like I watch plenty of awesome TV shows, so what better place to review them then here? For the first installment, I feel that I have chosen an absolute gem, the new MTV reality show, “16 and Pregnant”. Now right off the bat you might wonder, is this one of MTV’s world famous incredibly subtle, creative titles that tell you nothing about the show (see “Is She Really Dating Him”, “Room Raiders, etc”). The answer is surprisingly no, making this show about what the title says: Redneck high school sluts that get knocked up by redneck guys that in general can be older and usually work full time at the local Kentucky Wal-Mart. While the show provides many laughs (most of them completely unintentional), the main focus is the drama of the young adults adjusting to their new life as parents. The drama is the main focus, but I much prefer the intentional comedy. The main problem with the drama is that these chicks play it up way too much. They claim that theyre moody because they’re “pregnant”, but I’m not buying it. I feel like all those bitches do is complain about the most minute details and are just constantly bugging their boyfriends about the most minor shit like “helping out” or “giving a shit about the child”. As a viewer you really find yourself sympathizing with these poor (in every sense of the word) guys who are stuck with these nagging bitches. All they try to do is hang out with their friends and spend $500 on rock band (which was hysterical since that was arguably worth more than the guys house) but the chicks just continue to nag nag nag. I think more so than glorifying teen pregnancy and how awesome unprotected sex is, as I’m sure MTV meant to portray it, this show comes off as rather sad and discouraging. I do not mean this in the sense that the girls have to raise a baby now, but in the sense that the guy did nothing except stick his penis in her and now he can’t hang with his boys or buy awesome video games without getting constantly nagged and yelled at. In closing, I would like to wish those young gentlemen the best of luck and hopefully their stupid girlfriends will get the point as ease up some time in the very near future.

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Finally, there is hope for my kind

Posted by Voltairrible on July 7, 2009

After being made fun of by Mac10, DrFunke, and JCVD for not having a job and spending all my time playing XBox360 & WoW, I finally have a legitimate excuse to give them the finger.  Turns out there is a disease that explains my behavior in real life.

Maybe now the other editors will quit being insensitive pricks.

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