Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

Josh Hamilton Might Work Out, Have Psychic Powers

Posted by DrFunke on July 15, 2008

Josh Hamilton is on the cover of "Heroin Hero 2K9" from EA Sports

Josh Hamilton is on the cover of "Heroin Hero 2K9" from EA Sports

If any of you watched the Home Run Derby last night, then you may have figured out that Josh Hamilton is somewhat strong. At least strong enough to homer on 13 straight swings, and hit 28 in the first round. Oh, he also hit a few balls deep into the black in center field and three balls over 500 feet, one of which went 518 feet and nearly became the first ball to ever be hit out of Yankee Stadium. Eventually he lost to Justin Morneau, even though his total was higher, but honestly who cares? Josh Hamilton added to Yankee Stadium’s legend without even playing an actual baseball game, so no one’s going to remember that Morneau won the competition (Morneau did fine but I mean… You can’t beat 28 in one round.). It’s like the end of the movie “Tin Cup,” where Kevin Costner’s character tries to make the impossible shot instead of playing for the win, and eventually holes it on shot 12. No one would remember how his rival, Don Johnson, went for the win, but only that incredible shot. “Nice par,” says Kevin Costner, knowing he’ll be remembered for having big, brass balls and putting on an unforgettable show. After winning, Morneau admitted he in no way deserved to win, saying, “He was the one who put on the show tonight. I think everyone will remember Josh Hamilton’s 28 home runs more than they’ll remember I won the thing.” Ya think so?

Nice Par

Nice Par

If you’ve watched the MLB at all this year, odds are you’ve heard Josh Hamilton’s story. He was a top draft pick in 1999 with the Rays, but his career never progressed much. Why? Because he started drinking lots of beer, and doing a whole bunch of heroin. Eventually he was out of baseball, suspended for his drug use, and he continued to spiral downwards into addiction. Essentially, he took a year off from baseball to do drugs. That is so fucking awesome. For whatever reason, he decided to clean himself up, and got back to playing ball again, spending last year with the Reds, and this year leading the league in RBI’s and maybe giving himself a chance to win the triple crown.

Probably the coolest thing about Hamilton’s performance last night? In the middle of a sweet, heroin sleep induced dream about 2 and 1/2 years ago, Hamilton dreamed about himself competing in a Home Run Derby at Yankee Stadium. He said it was one of those dreams that felt so real, but in the dream he never figured out how well he did. If it was anything like last night, I’d say he did alright.

The lesson we can all take from this? Do a whole bunch of heroin, then you can see the future like Sir Nicolas F Cage Esq. in “Next.”

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