Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

My Review of Wanted, or “The Shitty Matrix”

Posted by DrFunke on July 15, 2008

Before you read this review, you should probably know a few things. One is that when I watch a movie, I like plot holes to be addressed, or at least for there to be some attempt at an explanation when something stupid happens. Two, if an actor tries an accent and sucks at it, it will bother me for the movie’s entirety. Third, I like explosions and people getting shot as much as the next guy, but if a movie has cool effects and slow motion shots, that can’t save it if the rest of it seems like it may have been written by someone who wears a helmet 24 hours a day and whose best friend is a tree named Johnny. Now would be a good time to warn you here be spoilers, but if you watch this movie and don’t know the ending after 30 minutes, then you might take the short bus to school with the aforementioned writer of the movie.

As for “Wanted,” I don’t think I’ve seen anything this stupid since… maybe ever. And I watched “Snakes On A Plane” like a week ago. At least that movie had a plot, albeit dumb, that didn’t have as many holes as my favorite pair of fishnet pants. Also, at least it was original. Ever heard of a movie called “The Matrix”? “Wanted” was basically if they took the script to “The Matrix”, made it a lot worse, and then cast shitty actors in it. Literally every element of about the first 30 minutes was taken pretty much exactly from “The Matrix.” He started off as a loser and a shitty employee who didn’t enjoy life, then was recruited by a group of hard asses lead by a wise black man, thus changing from slacker to someone with a meaning in life. I literally asked everyone sitting around me in the theater if they noticed this, and if I was perhaps taking crazy pills. Then, probably to avoid plagiarizing just one movie, they started taking things directly from “Fight Club.” Like standing up to the dick-ish boss, and his transformation from a reserved whiny douche to an uninhibited, um… well, whiny douche.

Time to address plot holes. First off, the story line of Cross being Wesley’s (McAvoy’s character) father was fine, if not painfully obvious. But I don’t think anything bothered me more than Cross’s attempts to contact Wesley. He’s a possibly superhuman (again, not addressed by the movie) assassin. You would think he could manage to break into an apartment and leave a message, or even stage a kidnapping and then speak to him. You would think. Instead, Cross shoots at Wesley in a pharmacy, chases him in a car, then shoots Wesley in the arm in a later foot chase in order to set up a meeting. Only, this meeting, instead of a talk, consists of Cross running from Wesley, then getting into a gun fight with him. And getting shot. And dying. Then, annoyingly, saying, “I am your father,” in his dying moments. Really? His best plan for speaking to his son is shooting at him a lot and getting him to travel to the Middle-East so you can shoot at him more? That is the stupidest fucking plan ever conceived. And it was put together by, again, a supposedly semi-superhuman assassin.

Next, it explains how the assassins are given their targets, which is through a code revealed in the looms at a textile factory. That could’ve been kind of cool had it not been for the exceedingly retarded idea that only Morgan Freeman’s character, Sloan, could see who the targets were. And no one else could. And not a single one of the several hundred assassins thought, “Hey, this could lead to some form of dishonesty or corruption. We really need a better system.” Now, we all know how wise Angelina Jolie is. Are we really supposed to believe she didn’t see this coming? As a matter of fact, when it gets revealed to all the assassins that Sloan is manipulating the loom’s messages, I was expecting them to say, “Wow, we really should’ve seen that one coming. In retrospect, we did not handle this well.”

As for the acting, I’ve only seen James McAvoy in this and “Last King of Scotland,” and I really hated his characters in both. I don’t know if I think he’s a good actor, because his characters have been miserable pricks. In LKOS I guess his character was supposed to be in a moral gray area so maybe he wasn’t supposed to be likable, but in “Wanted” his character was supposed to become a character you root for, who was charismatic and James Bond-esque in his use of shitty jokes right before or after killing people. The other problem with his character was that he didn’t develop in an arc, like most decent-or-better characters do. He just changed personality on a dime at three different points (anxiety-ridden pathetic sheeple, suddenly a hard ass because someone handed him a pistol, then a vigilante assassin who kills hundreds of people implementing a no-look style of shooting two pistols at once.). By the finale, I was openly rooting for Sloan to shoot him in the face about 25 times, letting the movie end in a “Shawshank Redemption” style narration by Freeman about how annoying Wesley was.

Freeman did a fine job, especially when he said “motherfucker,” and so did Jolie and the 5 seconds of screen time her ass got. But the solid cast couldn’t save the movie from the insanely terrible script. I could bitch for days about how bad this movie was, but I don’t feel like it. Under no circumstances go see this movie, ever. Terrible: F.

Andy crawled through 500 yards of shit so he didn't have to watch Wanted.

Andy crawled through 500 yards of shit so he didn't have to watch Wanted.

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5 Responses to “My Review of Wanted, or “The Shitty Matrix””

  1. Wudgles said

    I was confused when the movie started and it said “WANTED”, because the previews made it look like “Jumper 2”

  2. Kevin said

    I agree with basically all of your thoughts on Wanted, but just wanted (no pun intended) to add another thing that bothered me in it’s comparison to The Matrix. In The Matrix, Neo and all the people living in the real world could do some amazing things (such as jumping from building top to building top with a huge distance in between them)in the fake programmed world of the Matrix and this was very believable. In Wanted, this exact thing happened in the beginning of the movie when the guy jumped through the window to the other building, but in this movie they are saying that this guy is doing this in the world we live in (which I assume involves gravity). This is quite hard to believe. While it is a sort of science-fiction movie, making it somewhat believable is what makes the movie more realistic and fun. By never saying that either these Fraternity members are superhuman or this is a programmed world like the Matrix, are we really supposed to believe people are really doing these things, especially shooting down someone else’s bullets multiple times…I mean come on.

  3. Wudgles said

    Kevin also mentioned the one redeeming quality of Wanted:

    The presence of an all powerful FRAT.

  4. […] a movie if the script isn’t at least decently written. Some of you (none of you) may recall my review of Wanted, which might have actually been the worst movie ever. It had a chance to be good, mostly because of […]

  5. […] article reviewing The Sphere a little way down the page. The only disappointment? No excerpts from negative reviews of Wanted, the worst movie ever made. Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)No TitleMy First Blog […]

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