In Bizarre Twist, American Beer Blitzkrieged by Belgians
Posted by Voltairrible on July 16, 2008
I know this story is a few days old (like… 2 days max), but I finally got around to writing about it.
Anheuser-Busch was just bought by the Belgian beer brewing company InBev for about $52 billion dollars. The deal was cut earlier this week, and it carries with it a $1.25 billion dollar “break up” fee if it falls through. However, since the dude who owns 64% of InBev basically said “I’m fucking buying that shit,” odds are that a red-blooded American institution has fallen by the wayside.
The Anheuser-Bush name was, up until Monday, synonymous with good old fashioned American tradition. Budweiser, Michelob, Busch, and Natural Light are now all being run by Belgians.
Seriously, take in the magnitude of that simple fact. These people got their shit rocked by the Germans in World War 2 in just over two weeks.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Europeans do know how to make some great beers. However, that doesn’t mean they should be coming over here, invading America, and buying our breweries. It’d be like the Germans buying baseball teams, or China acquiring a floundering football franchise. It’s just… un-American. It’s one of those things that shouldn’t happen, even in your worst nightmares. This is how they start their slow, methodical takeover of our precious bodily fluids, people! “What’s the harm in just taking over one historically American institution?” you say. The problem is that it starts a tsunami of them, and then we’re all getting raped in the Astrodome while the levees break, rocking back and forth in the fetal position wondering “What happened to the apple pie?”
How can we solve this problem? Well, we really can’t do much about the deal, since the dudes over at A-B turned out to be a bunch of money grubbing assholes with no interest in maintaining the purity of our American name (no matter how shitty Bud Heavy is). However, there is one solution (a final solution, if you will):
Blatant racial profiling of Belgians coupled with a boycott of InBev products.
This really shouldn’t be a problem, since Belgians are weird as shit (they’re people who can’t fit in in Holland OR Germany… wtf?). And, if you liked Stella Artois (manufactured by InBev) anyway, you’re already un-American a traitor and this shouldn’t affect you.
As much as it pains me, I will be cutting down my consumption of the delicious Sweet Nectar of Frat that is Natural Light (the smooth pilsner with all natural ingredients). Looks like I’ll be shotgunning Keystone this 4th of July.