Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

Yankees Fans Are Classy

Posted by DrFunke on July 16, 2008

Derek Jeter is the best of all time. 26 Championships. You won't like me when I'm angry.

Derek Jeter is the best of all time. 26 Championships. You won't like me when I'm angry.

As a Mets fan, I’m made perpetually aware that the Yankees are New York’s favorite team. Not to say the Mets don’t get attention, but they are essentially the equivalent of the Chicago White Sox, only if the Cubs had actually won something. They’ll always be second class citizens. I can’t explain to you how flustering it is to try to explain to someone why Carlos Beltran is better than Melky Cabrera, or how Jose Reyes is simply more effective than Derek Jeter and has a higher career ceiling, to simply have them reply with, “26 world championships, what do you think about that?” I think it’s not relevant, and that you’re a total prick.

To further my case, I’ll cite Yankees fans (and some media members who are the object of my utter hatred) saying the Yankees are “the greatest sports franchise in world history,” and that Yankees Stadium is “the greatest stadium in the world.” It’s probably worth noting that they say this while ignoring all other major sports, and especially while ignoring the rest of the world. For example, to use a world sport, Real Madrid, a Spanish soccer club, has won 31 domestic league titles (World Series equivalent, basically), a European record 9 Champions League titles, and 58 total trophies. Like the Yankees, they’ve had some of the best players of all time put on their organization’s jersey, the most recent example Zinedine Zidane of awesome head-butt fame, who is widely considered one of the 3 best soccer players ever along with Pele and Maradona.

Or how about a North American sport? Like hockey, and the Montreal Canadiens. The Canadiens have won 24 Stanley Cups, which is the best trophy in sports by a long shot as far as tradition and the players’ respect for it goes (An NHL player will under no circumstances touch the Stanley Cup, ever, unless he has won it. This avoids NBA Finals-style commercials of Paul Pierce and Kobe jerking off all over the trophy.). Their 24 cups have been won since 1916, which means they have won 35% of every NHL Championship that has ever been played, which is ahead of the Yankees success rate of 25% of championships won. And, comparatively, the Canadiens have a more important legacy of legendary hockey players. They have had three of the best four goalies ever (Patrick Roy, Ken Dryden, Jacques Plante), possibly the single most talented pure scorer in NHL history (Maurice Richard), and enough other truly great players to fill up about half a roster of an all-century NHL team. The Yanks had the Babe and the Mick and DiMaggio, but no team has a more rich history of players than the Canadiens do. Speaking of history, Canadiens fans almost got the province of Quebec to declare independence from the rest of Canada after starting an actual revolution when Maurice Richard was suspended from the Stanley Cup. They only stopped because Richard went on TV and radio and the papers and told them to stop what they were doing. But hey, Yankees fans got really upset when Joe Torre left! (Also, if you say hockey’s not a sport, you’re a complete dickhead. People bitch and moan constantly about how players in football and basketball take plays off and don’t try hard or respect the game, and how they are too hard to relate to because, unlike NFL players, less than 85% of normal people are felons. But people don’t watch hockey because there’s not enough scoring? In the NHL this year, the average game had approximately 5 goals between both teams. That’s basically a 21-14 football game. Unless of course you live and die for field goals, then I can understand your preference of an NFL with maybe 3 or 4 good teams and only 2 real contenders to an NHL where every season ends up with minimum 5 teams that have the talent win the Cup. Finally, if you tell me you can’t see the puck, watch 1 NHL game in HD. Just 1. You can see perfectly, and you don’t sound like a tard when you say “I don’t ever know where the puck is lol.” If you still present the TV argument, go see a game live. It’s the best sport to be at live, in contention with maybe boxing and college basketball.)

Obviously the Yankees have the best franchise in baseball history, but what really eats at me is when Yankees fans claim to be the best fans in sports. Now I’m going to ignore the fact that at the barest of bare minimums, 50% of Yankees fans are Fairweather Johnson’s and front-runners who are truly clueless about the game of baseball. What I won’t ignore is 2 years ago when A-Rod, coming off an MVP season, hit something like 35 HR’s and 120 RBI’s while batting barely below .300, and spent the whole season being booed at home and having newspaper headlines printed about how terrible he was. Fun fact: that year, Justin Morneau won the MVP with 24 HR’s, 130 something RBI’s while batting around .325. But A-Rod gets booed? That makes sense.

Part of that comes from Yankees fans sense of entitlement, which is the single most annoying, pathetic thing a sports fan base can collectively feel. Why did Boston fans become so unlikable over the last few years? Because after the Sox broke “The Curse,” and the Pats turned into a dynasty, and the C’s recently won again, they took on a sense of entitlement. They talked and wrote about how they “deserved it.” In any other aspect of life, if you sit your ass on a couch watching TV or reading the papers waiting for something good to happen to you, you don’t deserve shit because you haven’t done anything. Being a sports fan is no different, because A.) you sit on your ass watching games on TV and reading the papers not doing shit, and B.) aside from the rare games when a crowd can shift momentum, fans have absolute zero effect on the outcome of a team’s season. Just because you watched a lot of games for a few years doesn’t mean you earned something your team won. The team did, you were just fortunate to be around for it.

Where am I going with this? Good question, because I don’t remember. But I do remember that the collective sense of entitlement felt by “Yankees Nation” (shoot me) finally made me reach my boiling point when Billy Wagner came to the Mets, and the “controversy” about the use of closer theme songs started. If you don’t already know, both Wagner and Mariano Rivera use Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” as an entrance song. This should not have been a big deal, but, instead, Yankees fans got their panties all in a bunch, and started getting as upset as they’ve ever been because Wagner and Rivera were using the same song. How dare Wagner use the same song as the greatest post-season closer of all time? (Also, stop fucking calling him the greatest post-season closer of all time. If he’s so great, then why was he on the wrong side of one of the biggest upsets in World Series history in 2001, and the wrong side of the single biggest choke in baseball history against the Red Sox in 2004? Can someone explain that to me without saying “26 world championships” and making me punch them in the face?) Did it matter to them that 1.) Mariano didn’t pick the song himself, Yankees Stadium employees did, and he hadn’t even heard it until they played if for him? Or, 2.) that Wagner had loved the song since it came out and had been using it for a couple years before Mariano started using it? No, of course it didn’t matter, because that would’ve made sense. I truly hated Yankees fans already.

Now, since Yankees fans have to have everything, that means their rivalry with the Red Sox has to be the best in sports. Even if it’s like a brutally violent big brother vs. little brother relationship, with the oldest brother being a 25 year old MMA fighter and the little brother being a 12 year old autistic kid. I get it they compete for division titles year in and year out blah blah blah, fans hate each other even though the players have gone on record saying they don’t really give a shit about the rivalry, stupidity ensues. I understand booing players from opposing teams, especially “rivals,” but eventually you’d think there’s a point where it stops, right? Not for Yankees fans, who threatened to literally murder Sox closer Jon Papelbon’s pregnant wife during the all-star parade in NYC. reported that during a red carpet parade for the All-Star Game that went down Sixth Avenue in Manhattan, Papelbon and his wife Ashley were bombarded by insults from fans.

“I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car,” Papelbon said, according to the Web site. “My wife is pregnant and she’s getting her life threatened. It’s stupid.”

The reason for this? Papelbon said he would like to close out the game if given the opportunity. Not that he should, or that Mariano shouldn’t, but that he’d like to. Of course he’d like to, he’s a pro athlete with a competitive streak. As a semi-professional masturbator, I’d like to flog my dolphin to pictures (Video is also an acceptable medium) of a nude Megan Fox if she’d be generous enough to provide me with such materials. But unlike myself, Papelbon knew he wouldn’t be presented with the opportunity, he was merely expressing his desire to pitch on the biggest baseball stage you can possibly be on in the middle of July. This should be beyond understandable, granted the only criteria for being a Yanks fan is to stop watching games if the team isn’t in 1st place, having a chinstrap beard, taking steroids so you can get really huge but start wearing smaller shirts, using excessing amounts of hair-gel, having a terrible fake orange tan, and calling everyone “douchebag,” but you would think maybe have a little class? Honestly, if you are a Yankees fan, be ashamed. Threatening a pregnant woman for marrying a closer who would like to pitch in an important situation? The Yankees are the best organization in baseball history without a doubt, but at this point, its fans are no better than a total fucking disgrace.


2 Responses to “Yankees Fans Are Classy”

  1. Mac10 said

    Wow that was like 8 posts in one. Also, I still can’t see the puck in HD.

  2. ballerstedt said

    “but bro, Jeter is the heart of the Yankees.”

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