Reasons Marisa Miller Must Sleep With Me: A Manifesto
Posted by DrFunke on July 21, 2008
Marisa, it’s been too long. I think we both know that we’ve skirted around the issue for years now, fearing the awesome, powerful chemistry between us and where it could take us. Have we actually met before? No. Does that matter? Of course not. I bought a SI swimsuit issue once or twice, and I’ve learned a bit about you on this “internet” everyone keeps talking about (I still don’t get it. Where do they keep this internet thing, and why does everyone on it think pictures of cats with mildly retarded captions are funny?). After several minutes of furious masturbation (a synonym I use for “research”), I have come up with a list of reasons that you and I are meant to be together. I shall present that list to you in, uh, list format:
1. Using my natural detective instincts (I spent several years running an illustrious private investigation business, but I’ll save that story for pillow talk.), I deduced from the photo above that you, like me, love listening to music. While I, for one, have never worn only an iPod as a form of clothing, I appreciate the deep metaphorical meaning of the photo: that the music you truly love can perfectly describe your most intimate emotions, and leave your soul feeling naked and exposed. Much like you are in said picture. Tell me, Marisa, has anyone else ever noticed the true artistic value in your work, or at least made an attempt to in a blog primarily about dick jokes?
2. You love sports. I’m a sports fan too. You love the Cubs and I love the Mets, but I’m sure we can work out our differences. Maybe I’ll even eventually pretend to like the Cubs, much like I pretend to actually like my fellow bloggers. Except Wudgles, he is a terrible human being. But I digress. We’re both former athletes, and we both take especially good care of our bodies. You do it through dieting and exercise, I do it through a revolutionary new technique where I drink like 12 beers and black out then go eat horrendous greasy food that will almost definitely cause serious heart problems at a later age. This means we have a long and fruitful future ahead of us.
3. Your husband is this guy on the left. With the mohawk. And a soul patch. With me, you don’t have to worry about mohawks, because I don’t enjoy looking ridiculous. And you certainly don’t have to worry about soul patches, because I’m not enough of a man to grow facial hair in that area. Plus I don’t have a stupid name like Griffin. If he were alive, George Carlin would not be happy with your choice of husband. I also won’t make you hang out with fat midgets, like the dude on the right of that picture, who are apparently colorblind and don’t own mirrors in their homes. Actually I take that back because that sounds totally awesome. We’ll do that, but we’ll make the midgets wear monocles. Answer me this Marisa, when is the last time you got to hang out with a gang of midgets wearing non-matching outfits and monocles? Never? I’ll arrange it for you, just say the word.
4. You’re 5’8″, I’m 5’9″. It’s just convenient.
5. Shit, I’m running out. Um… I’m in a frat.
6. Megan Fox also has a future with me, though like you she has yet to be made aware of this. Obviously, this means that we can have threesomes on a nightly basis. I’m going to assume you love this idea for the purposes of putting another reason on my list.
7. As a disciple of GOB Bluth, I know magic. I perform illusions. Tricks are what whores do for money. Who doesn’t like magic? Nicolas Cage was a magician in “Next,” and he’s the greatest actor to ever live. Christ, I am struggling out here.
8. It may warrant mentioning that you are extremely attractive. In all likelihood, I would do horrible, unspeakable, unforgivable things to sleep with you. Anyone you want dead? I can take care of that. Does someone owe you money? I’ll get your money back, with interest. I think I would kill or maim three to four human beings for a one night stand with you. But that number remains flexible.
Well that about does it for my list. If you have any further inquiries you’d like to make Marisa, you know where to find me. Just look for me, Dr. Funke, and my comedic/hip-hop stylings here at “Sans Morality.” I’m sure I’ll hear back from you in a few hours.