Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

Mets Need To Chew Before Swallowing

Posted by DrFunke on July 23, 2008

Universal Sign For the Mets\' Bullpen

Universal Sign For the Mets' Bullpen

For those of you out there who are a little slow, that means the Mets shouldn’t choke. It also means that I am depressed. Why? Because I finally made the trip out to Shea last night, ready to see the Mets take a shot at sole possession of first place, led by Johan Santana. Before the game, I felt confident. David Wright has been playing well, Jose Reyes has been hitting the ball exceptionally well and terrorizing pitchers on the base paths as always (he is far and away the best lead-off man in baseball), and Carlos Delgado is resurrecting his career with a month-long hot streak. Beltran has been cold since the break, but the other players can pick up his slack and he’s still one of the best fielders in the game, and the bullpen has been shaky but hadn’t lost any games for the team in a long time.

Most of this held true last night. Delgado hit a massive 2-run home run, Wright had a couple of doubles and his 77th RBI, even Ramon Castro hit a homer. And Johan Santana was lights out again, except for one long ball he gave up to Shane Victorino. (By the way, anyone who says Santana is losing it or the Mets made a mistake by signing him is an idiot or hasn’t watched him pitch. He’s been great in every start except the one against the Reds after the all-star break, but the Mets gave him zero run support in a lot of his games, and then after the Mets started hitting for him the bullpen decided to quit trying to close games out, a la last night. If I’m right that’s the third or fourth game the bullpen has gotten Johan a no-decision instead of a win, so that combined with all the 1-0 or 2-1 games he lost at the beginning of the year should help people realize that his record isn’t an indicator of his performance. I hate you all.) Johan made it through 8 strong, and wasn’t showing signs of slowing down. But he was over 100 pitches and his spot in the batting order was up, so Jerry Manuel decided to let the bullpen close the game. Even though our closer wasn’t available. At the time, I had a pretty good feeling where this one was going.

I’d like to recreate the meeting in the bullpen between all the pitchers that took place before the top of the 9th inning last night. I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it went down.
Duaner Sanchez: Hey, do you guys feel like pitching tonight?
Pedro Feliciano: Ha Ha, Duaner don’t be ridiculous! Of course we don’t!
Scott Schoenweis: Actually guys, I do. This is a big game for us if we win.
DS: Shut up Scott, and suck one. Besides, you’re white, you’re a minority on this team and we hate you. (Schoenweis starts crying into his mitt.)
PF: You’ve been our best pitcher against lefties this year and we need to close this game out against a lineup where the only players who can hurt us are lefties. So you’re definitely not pitching tonight.
DS: Hey Pedro, I’ve got a great idea. How about you and me pitch, and we just let the first 6 batters get hits and see what happens?
Joe Smith: Don’t worry guys, if I only get in for one batter I’ll throw a meatball. That way he’ll definitely get a hit!
PF: Alright guys, sounds great. On 3, choke!
Whole Bullpen: 1, 2, 3, CHOKE!!! (Schoenweis starts drinking whiskey.)

There it is, Sans Morality readers. An inside look at the inner workings of the Mets’ bullpen. Even if that didn’t actually happen, Jerry Manuel needs to be punched in the face for not bringing in Schoenweis right away. It was inexcusable. Sanchez is usually reliable, but the Phillies’ lefties ate him alive, and Schoenweis needed to be on the mound. (About this time last year, I think I was calling for Schoenweis’s public execution. Funny how times change.)

In case you haven’t figured this out for yourself yet, the bullpen was absolutely disgraceful. They gave up 5 runs before getting a single out, and So F-ing Taguchi had a 2 RBI double. I was in the midst of giving up on life by out number 2, as was the Mets fan in front of me. This of course prompted the Phillies fans sitting a few seats to our left to continue their obnoxious chanting of “MVP” for Jimmy Rollins. To this I replied with a chant of my own: “271. Average! 6 Home Runs! 2 DL stints!” Rhythmically this was problematic, but I found ways.

Next, the Philly fans started chanting “This is our house!” Now, the wise man sitting a few seats to my right taught them a lesson when he drunkenly yelled, “Hey! Hey! Get the, um, cock out of your mouth. Mouths. Yeah!” You showed them, friend. You showed them. Somehow, they didn’t stop after the philosopher to my right gave them a talking to. So I yelled, “Hilarious and original fellas, but I have to say, it’s just factually incorrect.” For some reason, they were actually listening and they stopped.

After this, it was time to leave the god-forsaken place. On my way out, a man with a legendary white man afro and a Phillies was still standing in his seat, clapping, and chanting, “Let’s go Phillies!” I took it upon myself to say, “Shut up and sit down, you’re wearing a fucking Jamie Moyer jersey.” Oddly enough, he immediately stopped clapping and opened his phone, I imagine to pretend he had to answer a call.

Just when I thought I was away from Philly fan hell, a man wearing a stylish white t-shirt (douchebag), jeans that looked like they probably would’ve fit Jared Fogle before his Subway diet, sleeves of tattoos on his arms, and a tat that read “Bridgeport, CT” on the back of his neck, stopped me on the stairs out of our section and asked me, “So you ready to switch to my team now? Let’s go Phils baby!” I laughed aloud, cordially, and replied, “Of course not sir! Also, are you from Bridgeport?” This in retrospect was stupid, because this guy probably would’ve thrown me off the mezzanine if it hadn’t taken him 2 minutes to understand I was making fun of how ridiculous he looked.

So, now that I am declaring disgruntled Mets fan status for about the 10th time this year, they play their most important game of the season this year. Tonight, they find out if they’re a bunch of gutless pussies (they are), or if they really are team capable of winning (they’re not). As for myself, I’m still trying to recover from the single most painful sporting event I’ve ever seen in person. I don’t think I’ll fully get back from this one for a long time. I’ll probably be back with more Mets news in like 2 weeks after they pull me back in. Until then, however, my life will remain in shambles.

Dr. Funke outside Shea Stadium after the Mets\' loss last night.

Dr. Funke outside Shea Stadium after the Mets' loss last night.


One Response to “Mets Need To Chew Before Swallowing”

  1. Wudgles said

    The only part of that article I can remember is that you used the word “mezzanine” correctly in a sentence.

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