Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

IMDb: Sex, Lies, and Censorship

Posted by DrFunke on July 26, 2008

My name is Dr. Funke. Commander of the armies of Sir Cage, General of the Cage legions. Father to a murdered thread, husband to a murdered post. Loyal to the one true Cage. And I will have my vengeance.

My name is Dr. Funke. Commander of the armies of Sir Cage, General of the Cage legions. Father to a murdered thread, husband to a murdered post. Loyal to the one true Cage. And I will have my vengeance.

Friends, brothers, Sans Morality readers. This post’s title sounded good so I left it, but it doesn’t really make sense. Moving on. It is with great regret that I come to you today imprisoned by the yoke of censorship. “But why, aside from your foul language, heavy sarcasm, and hatred of others, would you be censored, kind Doctor?” Good question, loyal reader. Now, it is time that I shared this truth with you, before the people at IMDb and the rest of the MSM.

Firstly, the MSM is “the mainstream media” for all you sheep out there keeping score. Goddamn sheeple, don’t know about the mainstream media trying to control the masses through lies and propaganda. Well let me tell you some things right now that you need to know, just so you can start to pull the veil of the MSM from back over your eyes. JFK assassination? The CIA and the mob collaborated, strictly because they thought it sounded fucking awesome. Roswell? That shit happened, the aliens are all around us. “Men In Black” and its sequels were documentaries. The Cold War? That didn’t end through diplomacy. Rocky Balboa ended it by beating Ivan Drago in Russia and uttering the immortal phrase: “If I can change, and you can change, maybe we all can change.” Weird a politician didn’t think of that one first. Vietnam War? The Jews were responsible for that one. (If you don’t think that makes sense, it’s probably because it doesn’t) Oh, and 9/11? President Bush organized that one, which is weird because he has trouble putting together sentences. But come on, you saw “Loose Change,” if vague questions over ominous music don’t prove that Bush is responsible, what does? Some insiders, however, have speculated the Arabs were involved because they hate freedom, despite what some people will have you believe. I think I pretty much enlightened all of you sheeple bitches.

Now, the important question: what was IMDb trying to hide from its members? What secret could be so explosive, so potent, that the Statist bastards at IMDb needed to bury it six feet under? The answer: Sir Nick F. Cage, Esq., is the single greatest actor that has ever lived or will ever live, and may in fact be the messiah. How did I figure out that Cage was Christ? Nicolas Cage Christ? I watched the single greatest film ever made, “The Wicker Man.” This movie takes the honest temperature of the world we live in, and asks the important questions about our culture. Like, how’d it get burned? We never find out. Cage also delivers some of the most unforgettable and powerful lines in movie history. Like “NOT THE BEES! ARGHHGH!! AHHHH THEY’RE IN MY EYES!! AHHH!!” Also, Cage teaches us that if you’re going to beat women, do it in a bear suit, and then it will be socially acceptable. Cage’s performance as Detective Edward Malus is absolutely powerhouse material. Not to take anything away from Keanu Reeves in “Point Break,” but Cage’s performance in TWM is the single greatest performance to ever grace the big screen, which is just one of the many reasons TWM is the single greatest motion picture ever made.

But Cage’s fine performances don’t stop there. What about his role as magician and psychic (you are reading that right) Cris Johnson in the movie “Next”? And don’t forget his role as Johnny Blaze, aka the Ghost Rider, in Cage’s semi-autobiographical film, “Ghost Rider.” With one best actor Academy Award already under his belt, Cage is getting somewhat of the Shaq/MJ treatment: everyone knows he’s by far the best out there, so the academy gets bored voting for him every year. Of course this leads to Cage getting revenge by making world changing movies, i.e. “The Wicker Man.” But still, if all was fair and honest, they would cancel the Oscars every year and just give every award to Cage. In order to pretend like other actors can hold a candle to Nick, they just keep him unjustly out of award consideration. Why is Cage so much better? Because he is our savior, here to save us from our sins and spread his word through his work. (That IMDb post is the work of Mac10. My contribution to that post has been deleted, for I had been spreading Cage’s word for months. Hopefully they don’t catch on to Mac10 anytime soon.) It will be Cage who either condemns you to hell or opens the pearly gates for you once judgment day comes. “Judge not, lest ye be Cage.” Well said, accurate bible quote.

Aware of this, I tried to change things, starting on the IMDb boards. But my efforts were all for naught, because an administrator deleted all of my work. Thus, being a Cage fan is like life. All your hard work and effort can be nullified and voided by the stroke of a pen from one powerful man. Not a woman though, a woman in a position of power is just ridiculous. I really lost my train of thought here.

Oh right, Sir Cage, Esquire. Friends, before we are all censored by the statist sheeple over at IMDb, we must rise up and gather the armies of Cage. One day, there will be a time where Cage will rise above all others to be recognized as the greatest actor of all time. Oh, and as the second coming of Christ too (first if you’re Jewish). With his new movie, “Bangkok Dangerous” being released, and action like this and this promised, Cage’s time is surely coming soon. It is our responsibility to prepare to serve him when he rises to power. To accurately quote the bible again, “What communion hath greatness with Cage? A lot.” Agreed, Jesus. Agreed.

Cage at his first job. He was soon bored with saving the world on a daily bais.

Cage at his first job. He was soon bored with saving the world on a daily bais.

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5 Responses to “IMDb: Sex, Lies, and Censorship”

  1. A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.IngridBergmanIngrid Bergman

  2. DrFunke said

    Come on, Casablanca? Get up with the times here, Kim Jung Il.

  3. DrFunke said

    Also, not even the best Casablanca line. “Of all the gin joints in all the world, she walks into mine.” God damn North Korean Sheeple.

  4. 9/11 Truth said

    A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.IngridBergmanIngrid Bergman

  5. DrFunke said

    I slept with your wife.

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