Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

New Weekly Feature: True American Heroes

Posted by DrFunke on July 28, 2008

This Sunday marks the inauguration of a new weekly segment, celebrating the people who have truly made this country so beautiful to live in. How do I pick from so many different options? Simple. Start at the place where we find the inhabitants of American high brow culture. The Maury Povich Show. And his specials on paternity tests. Lucky for all of you, there are two heroes I’d like to show you today. First, we have Dion.

To start, I’d like to note that the woman in this video is as annoying as she is slutty. Which is to say, very, seeing as this is the 11th paternity test she’s had to find her child’s father. And Dion lets her know it too (“Man, I ain’t the last one. There’s gonna be 12, a 13, a 14, a 15…”) Now this is where Dion’s true greatness reveals itself. When Maury lets him know he’s not the father, he literally falls over in his chair (1:16). Mother crying? Who gives a shit. Fatherless child? No one’s really concerned. And he gets literally infinite extra points for crowd interaction. At full sprint, he high-5’s the entire aisle. But he gets extra credit for his solid dance moves. Why only solid? Because you haven’t seen Andrew yet.

I mean… Jesus. Think about this, long and hard. Has there ever been a better reaction to anything? Ever? I say no. Again, with no concern for the father-less child, Andrew celebrates his single-hood with authority. And with a dance that may have actually been rehearsed beforehand. Now if that’s not good enough, he actually manages to get the crowd dancing with him, while yelling “Hey!” with him too. I actually just got home from a Bruce Springsteen concert. I’m not sure who was more impressive with crowd interaction. I just wish Andrew had 100,000 people to work with. God, I’d love to get onto Maury’s show.

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