Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

Hey NFL, I thought this was America!

Posted by Voltairrible on August 6, 2008

The new NFL logo

The new NFL logo

Yesterday, the National Football League unveiled it’s new Fan Code of Conduct.  I’m pretty sure I’m not the first person to read that sentence and say “What the fuck?”  America loves football for representing all that is American: giant men beating the shit out of each other for no apparent reason while every else gets shitfaced and eats greasy food.

Now Roger Goodell wants to take that away from us all.  He was the driving force behind this new Code of Buzzkill that all 32 teams in the NFL must enforce on their fans.  Let’s go through them step by step, shall we?

“The National Football League and its teams are committed to creating a safe, comfortable, and enjoyable experience for all fans, both in the stadium and in the parking lot. We want all fans attending our games to enjoy the experience in a responsible fashion. When attending a game, you are required to refrain from the following behaviors:

Behavior that is unruly, disruptive, or illegal in nature

Well, at least this cause the New England Patriots to go broke, since their fans aren’t capable of any other type of behavior.  But, where will the league/teams draw the line on what is “unruly” or “disruptive”?  Because, taunting other fans and wearing Jessica Simpson outfits to distract Tony Romo could fall under either of those, and we all know that shit is hilarious.

Intoxication or other signs of alcohol impairment that results in irresponsible behavior

So, it’s alright to be drunk… but not if you act like it?  Doesn’t that detract from part of the allure of being sauced?  Half the reason I drink in excess is to lower my already staggeringly low inhibitions to do things that are plain offensive, dumb, and dangerous.  Throw in a crowd an audience and it makes it that much better.  And I’m sure we can all recall going to a game and seeing some dude absolutely plastered, yelling and screaming and cursing like a true American patriot.  It’s the sort of spectacle that makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Foul or abusive language or obscene gestures

Two words: First Amendment.

Interference with the progress of the game (including throwing objects onto the field

I don’t really have too big a problem with this one, since sometimes it delays the game and that can be annoying.  However, I think that exceptions should be made if a whole bunch of people do it and it’s funny.  Like if Brady Quinn ever got off the bench and everyone in the stadium threw tampons and Backdoor Brand Gay Buttsex Condoms onto the field.

Failing to follow instructions of stadium personnel

Stadium personnel are usually sub-human mutants with horrible tempers.  I put them somewhere between telemarketers and airline ticket agents.  They can all get bent if they think I’m going to listen to them.

Verbal or physical harassment of opposing team fans

Banning physical harassment of opposing fans goes without saying.  There’s no reason to be a thug (unless you’re a Raiders fan, which makes it a prerequisite).  Verbal harassment, however, is a tried and true American tradition.  In most cases, the subtle nuances have been handed down from heckler to heckler for generations.  Why would you kill such a great and noble heritage, Mr. Goodell?

“Event patrons are responsible for their conduct as well as the conduct of their guests and/or persons occupying their seats. Stadium staff will promptly intervene to support an environment where event patrons, their guests, and other fans can enjoy the event free from the above behavior. Event patrons and guests who violate these provisions will be subject to ejection without refund and loss of ticket privileges for future games.”

All in all, this is absolutely outrageous.  The NFL has one responsibility and one responsibility only: providing a venue where physical freaks of nature beat the living shit out of each other for my own personal amusement.  The line should be drawn there.  Now they’re encroaching on my personal freedoms as a fan and as an American.  I’m calling out to all my fellow drunk hecklers in these United States of America to get wasted, yell obscenities, make rude gestures, and belittle the fans of other teams in an effort to show Roger Goodell of the Fourth Reich that we will not stand for such blatant encroachments on our rights.

Gentlemen, let it begin.


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