Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

The Aaron Rodgers Suicide Watch Is Over

Posted by DrFunke on August 6, 2008

This picture was taken about 3 years ago; the last time Aaron ever smiled.

This picture was taken about 3 years ago; the last time Aaron ever smiled.

Hey there Sans Morality readers. I’m Aaron Rodgers, and today I’m here to talk to you about how much I love the NFL. I’m kidding of course. I fucking hate this league. This league has routinely fucked me in the ass even since my first day here. Yeah, I’m talking about draft day. People thought I might get drafted first, and definitely expected me to go in the top 10 after a season where I set several school and NCAA records at the QB position. Where’d I get drafted? 24th. You read it right. 24th. And when Leinart had to wait until the 10th pick, everyone thought that was bad. Faggot. Do you know how awkward it is to be sitting in the green room at Radio City all alone, wondering if you might have to wait to round 2 to get picked? I’ll tell you, because that shit happened to me: it felt like that dream you have where you go to your high school naked and everyone laughs, only if it was nationally televised and you were losing millions of dollars by the minute. Then had to watch it on Sportscenter’s “Not Top 10” for the next week.

Well at least if I got drafted late, I thought, I would be going to a nice part of the country and definitely to a successful team. Right? Of course not. I went to Green Bay. Do you know how fucking cold it is in Green Bay? I’m from California; I have no desire to live in the fucking Arctic Circle, yet here I am. The people who live here don’t mind it, because all they do is drink beer and eat the fine local cuisine (Which consists primarily of bratwursts and full horses stuffed with full cows stuffed with an actual human being.) until they’re buried in nice warm blubber. I’m a QB not named Jared Lorenzen, I can’t weigh 300 pounds. So I freeze my tits off all winter long, no matter how many layers I wear. Why do you think I had a beard and haircut that makes me look like I used to be in the Allman Brothers? And as for being drafted to one of the most successful teams in league history? When I was a rookie, the team decided to finish 4-12. Then in ’06, we finished a show-stopping 8-8.

I of course spent this entire period as a backup to the great Brett Favre. The immortal Brett Favre. The Brett Favre who has single-handedly blown it in the last few playoff runs the Packers have made. The Brett Favre who threw 20 TDs and 29 picks in ’05, and 18 TDs and 18 picks in ’06. So he had a great year last year, MVP consideration, but why didn’t anyone talk about him choking away the playoff game against the Giants like it owed him money? That comes after two awful years, he’s on the Madden cover, what makes you think he’s going to have another good year this year? The odds are entirely against him, but why be logical? Maybe a better solution would be to blame the Jews for not letting Favre come back, or something equally sensible: boo me at practice despite the fact that Brett is almost entirely at fault for this, and I’ve done and said all the right things. Like earn the respect of my teammates and the team’s ownership. But who cares about that when you can be unreasonably hateful towards me?

Listen good, you fat fuckers: Brett’s getting traded now. This is my team, and I hate all of you fat pricks. The Packers are playing without Favre, and you have nothing to live for. “Oh no, the Packers lost Favre, and we’re fucked despite our excellent defense and highly talented group of offensive skill players!” If I didn’t have two rookies with serious potential behind me, then I would make this whole season one big F-U. Do you know how insanely accurate I am within ten yards? I could take a fly’s dick off if I felt like it. I swear to God, I wish I could throw a pick 6 to start the year, then walk off the field holding up both middle fingers while the PA system plays “It Ain’t Gonna Suck Itself” by Cracker. Despite the fact that we’re going to have a very successful year, I would love us to go 0-16 and watch all of Wisconsin eat itself to death in misery. Do you think I’d miss playing football? No chance. No more dealing with failed high school athletes questioning my “commitment to football” and “ability to lead.” What the fuck does that mean anyway? You either are a winner or loser, and that’s all the NFL really comes down to. Why do you think Peyton and Brady and Manning will always be considered better than other QBs? Not because of their “commitment to football,” but because they won. Trent Dilfer won a Super Bowl, and in the end it’s better to be a winner like Trent than to have big stats and fumble away a field goal hold and fuck your team’s season over. (see: Romo, Tony)

Either way, even if this NFL thing doesn’t work out for me, I think I could probably play with the Allman Brothers, or at least hang out with them.

Aaron's favorite band.

Aaron's favorite band.


8 Responses to “The Aaron Rodgers Suicide Watch Is Over”

  1. Wudgles said

    The description of your accuracy seems very Wanted-esque.

    Aaron Rodgers = that dude from Wanted?

  2. DrFunke said

    Aaron Rodgers hates you as much as he hates Packers fans now. Being compared to anything from Wanted (aside from Morgan Freeman) means you might as well be Hitler Jr.

  3. Erik said

    I like Brett Favre and respect his decision to continue playing with the hapless Jets. However, Brett Favre has no idea what he has gotten himself into. The New York media is NOTHING like the Green Bay media which treated him like a legend and icon for many years. A few bad games (and there will be many of those) the media will be in his grill and poor Brett will quickly question WHY he came out of retirement. Good luck Brett!

  4. Wudgles said

    I agree with Erik, minus the part about liking Brett Favre. This entire thing has ruined his reputation and tarnished his career. What a crybaby.

    Seriously, though… the New York media will probably rape his asshole with a spiked dildo as soon as he throws his first (of many) interceptions.

  5. DrFunke said

    I agree with Erik actually, and that’s pretty rare. I like Favre, and the situation was his fault, but the Packers’ front office handled it as well as the Mets’ front office handled the Willie Randolph situation. No one came out looking good except Rodgers. And honestly, I think having the media make Brett be accountable for shitty games will be good for him. He won’t slip into “I’m Brett Fucking Favre” mode and dick around. He’ll get motivated if the media gets on his ass. As a Jets fan, I’m cautiously optimistic. It at least makes the team legitimate, and seeing as Kellen Clemens is a young, learning gunslinger type QB, who better to learn from? Now watch the Jets win 4 games.

  6. Mac10 said

    Can I please get some dap here for saying this years ago? And yes I said dap.

  7. DrFunke said

    But I actually think he’s good, whereas you think he’s like an autistic Tim Couch.

  8. Wudgles said

    Is saying autistic Tim Couch redundant? Or does the double autism cancel out (a la -[-1] = +1)?

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