Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

True American Heroes 2: This May’ve Been Illegal

Posted by DrFunke on August 9, 2008

There are moments when you get to thinking, “How dumb are people, exactly?” After reading this article, I had one of those moments. This week’s heroes were inspired by Ben Hawkins, who should be the one whose stupidity is worrying me. Right? Sort of, yes. Let’s re-cap what exactly Mr. Hawkins is in the news for:

A man accused of conning parents into allowing him to be alone with their children to conduct a ”marketing survey” of underwear was indicted Monday on 19 criminal counts involving 11 minors.
He contacted parents by taking out ads in an alternative newspaper and online and by responding to ads for in-home child care, investigators said.

He would meet the families at public places such as schools and hospitals or at the children’s homes, then he would tell parents he needed to be alone with the children for research, prosecutors said.

Police said Hawkins told the children he wanted to measure their underwear and then touched them sexually.

Alright, this is all pretty ‘tarded. Normally I would praise Ben’s enterprising strategies. The only issue there is that these weren’t grown women he was conning into letting him touch their lady parts. In fact it wasn’t all girls either:

The scam was perpetrated on boys and girls between the ages of 9 and 16 over a five-month period starting in March, prosecutors said.

Well then. Even if this had been just like 18 year old high school girls, Ben would’ve been one of the greatest patriots in recent memory. But little boys and girls? That’s just wrong. I only know of one person who would touch little children, and he’s the worst human being I’ve ever known. Listen, pedophilia is disgusting, and is just ahead of raping or hitting a woman as the most cowardly and despicable crime you can commit. (Side-note on rape: To quote Louis C.K., rape is OK if you have a good reason for it. Like you want to fuck someone and they won’t let you.) Ben, you were so close to doing it right, but instead now you’re just a guy who’s going to get his lunch stirred by 6’6″ prison inmates named Bubba every time you shower for the next few years.

“But Dr. Funke, if Ben Hawkins isn’t a hero, then who is?” Good question reader. The heroes here are the parents of the children. When someone abuses a children like Hawkins did, it’s terrible. But here’s my question: what in the name of fuck were these parents thinking? Honestly, consider this. This exchange must have occurred at some point:

44 Year-Old Man: Hello ma’am. Do you have a child between the ages of 9 and 16?

Mom: Why yes sir, I do. A young boy named Tommy.

44YOM: Great! I’m doing research for a marketing company, and I’d love to meet him. The only catch here is that when you meet me in front of a school or in a mall but not definitely not near my office, and remember I’m a man who is 44 and you have never met before in your life, I’m going to need you to leave me alone with your child for a few hours. Um, for research. Remember, I’m a grown man and you’ve never met me before and I have shown you nothing proving I work for the company I claim to work for. This is not a scam, and there’s no way I’m some sort of pedophile.

Mom: … Sounds perfect!

I’m sorry, what dipshit parent would really leave their kid alone with a strange 44 year-old man who has in no way proven he is actually researching something for a company? Though they are from Ohio. Combine these parents with the fact that an angry mob hasn’t publicly executed the Jonas Brothers or The Pussycat Dolls, and I think we can be pretty sure that Western Civilization is in trouble here. How can we save the world from itself? (Hint: Nickelback is heavily involved, and Nick Cage shall be our leader.)


3 Responses to “True American Heroes 2: This May’ve Been Illegal”

  1. Coughlin's Law said

    Now that there has been light shed on this scheme, I feel bad for all the marketing surveyors who really do need to check the size of little boys underwear.

  2. Coughlin's Law said

    also was a little disappointed that a “caught with their pants down” joke was never made

  3. DrFunke said

    That’s true, they’re the real victims here. And now that you bring it to my attention, I don’t think I’ve ever been more disappointed in myself for not making that joke.

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