Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

True American Heroes: Greatest Criminal Charge Ever

Posted by DrFunke on August 15, 2008

A sketch artist's rendition of Adam Hinton.

A sketch artist's rendition of Adam Hinton.

There’s one slight kink that needs to get worked out here. And that would be the fact that this week’s American hero, Adam Hinton, is not American, but British. “But Dr. Funke British people aren’t American LOL,” you say.

“Shut up,” I reply. “I thought this was America. If I say he’s an American hero, then you can just suck it.” Aren’t you glad we worked that one out together?

Listen, I could post things about talented people or people who might actually be our messiah, but fuck that. I’d much rather post about people who do such ridiculous things that they become more than mere mortals. For like 5 minutes anyway.

Like our newly adopted American Adam Hinton, who was banned from being within 100 meters of his girlfriend’s apartment because they had sex so loud that it disturbed the neighbors. Reader, I think you were just like me before I read about Adam. You’d had a career total of approximately six seconds of sexual experience, and had made the logical conclusion that the female clitoris is like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster: it’s real, but we’re not ever going to fucking find it. Adam, on the other hand, seems to have concluded an investigation that lead to the discovery of this “clitoris,” and joyous experiences for his girlfriend’s neighbors ensued.

Residents of Norris’s home had been complaining since 2006 about thumping music, banging headboards and screamed obscenities, Taggart (a city counsil spokesman) said.

Neighbors… were upset that a six-year-old child in the building had been “subjected to the sort of obscenities you wouldn’t want a six-year-old to hear,” the spokesman said.
[…]
Norris last week was forced to pay STG300 ($A641) pounds in fines and court costs for breaking the “noise abatement order,” Taggart said.

That. Fucking. Rules. In short, they had such awesome sex that the girlfriend got fined for it, and it’s now illegal for Adam to be within 100 yards (fuck meters, Adam’s an American now) of her apartment. Despite the fact that he could probably be a more satisfying sexual partner from that far away than I could be with a biology textbook and 3 days set aside for the project. To be fair to myself, I’d have to get past my debilitating premature ejaculation problem (Personal record: 1.54 seconds. Metric seconds.), which is usually accompanied by a wind sprint out of the room and hours of tears.

Regardless, there are some things we know about Adam now that we didn’t know before. Like the fact that he most likely wrote this article.

Or how Adam and his lady friend are like an insane combination of cartoon characters, porn stars, and Ray Liotta’s character from Goodfellas. As far as I can tell, they spend their days doing massive amounts of cocaine, blasting techno, and banging the hell out of each other while taking the lord’s name in vain.

There was almost definitely more than one occasion where a neighbor knocked on the door to say something, and he answered the door naked except for a rubber dish-washing glove, a la Tyler Durden.

For the rest of his life, he will have job interviews funnier than any imagination could’ve ever conceived. Essentially, he’ll have a “Disturbing the Peace” charge to explain to the people interviewing him. When he tells the interviewer that he was charged because his girlfriend and he had sex so loud, obscene, and outrageous, that it actually became illegal, do you think he can possibly get that job? Can he possibly not get that job? Does the interviewer offer him a high five? I really think a few of those need to get videotaped.

When the cops were brought in on this, did it go anything like this?

Look at his picture in the article. Nevermind all of the story’s details. I just need to know, how the fuck can someone have a penis haircut like that and still get laid? Especially by a girl who seems to be pretty attractive. But, although I’m not a detective, I feel like the sunbathing naked in the yard of an apartment building may suggest she has flexible morals and keeps her mind open in her sex life. OK, she’s clearly a sloot.

I could do this for pages, so for the sake of my mental health I’ll stop. But Adam Hinton, congratulations on your newly acquired American-hood, and try to enjoy your time in the spotlight. Because I sure am.

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