Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

An Open Letter to the World, From Michael Phelps

Posted by Voltairrible on August 16, 2008

"SUCK MY DICK, CHINA!"

"SUCK MY DICK, CHINA!"

FUCK YEAH!

I’M THE BEST!  FUCK YOU EVERYONE WHO ISN’T AMERICAN!  YOU ALL SUCK COMPARED TO ME AND MY PENIS, WHICH IS NOW MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF GOLD MEDALS!

YEAH!  I BEAT MARK SPITZ, AND HE HAS A KICKASS MUSTACHE!  WOO-HOO!  GO AMERICA!

USA! USA! USA!

Remember that time everyone was like, “There’s no way he’ll do it, he’s got to swim 17 races against the best in the world.  It’s impossible!”  Oh yeah?  Well, guess what?  I FUCKING DID IT AND THEN I FUCKED YOUR SISTER!  SHE GIVES GOLD MEDAL DOME-PIECE!  TURNS OUT THE “BEST IN THE WORLD” IS AMERICA!  OH, BUT WE ALREADY KNEW THAT!

AMERICA!  FUCK YEAH!

I AM THE GREATEST OF THE GREAT!  I AM UNSTOPPABLE!  I’M GOING TO USE UP ALL OF THE CONDOMS IN OLYMPIC VILLAGE FUCKING THE FINE GERMAN WOMENS!  I WILL CROSS THEIR RHINE, AND BY THAT I MEAN PUT IT IN THEIR POOPERS!  THAT’S RIGHT!  I MAKE HISTORICAL WORLD WAR REFERENCES ABOUT KNOCKING UP GERMAN SLUTES!  HOW CAN I DO THAT?  BECAUSE I’M FUCKING MICHAEL PHELPS AND I FUCK WORLD RECORDS, COMMUNISTS, AND FINE GERMAN WOMENS IN THE BUTTHOLE!

GET USED TO THE “STAR SPANGLED BANNER”, MOTHERFUCKERS!  OH… WHAT’S THAT?  YOU ALREADY HAVE?  THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S MY GODDAMN THEME SONG!  BET IT PISSES YOU OFF THAT ALL YOUR PISSANT NON-AMERICAN WOMEN GET THEIR PANTIES WETTER THAN A MALAYSIAN TSUNAMI WHEN THEY SEE ME AND OL’ GLORY AT THE TOP OF THE MEDAL STAND!

I AM THE OPTIMUS PRIME OF THE OLYMPICS!  MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT ANALOGY MAKES NO SENSE?  FUCK YOU, I’M MICHAEL PHELPS!  I AM THE GREATEST!

I AM THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST WITH THE FLUID DYNAMICS AND GRACE OF A PORPOISE!

I AM THE LUKE SKYWALKER OF FUCKING SWIMMING!  I BRING BALANCE TO THE FORCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!  AND BY BALANCE, I MEAN BANGING.  AND BY FORCE, I MEAN THE WOMEN OF YOUR PATHETIC NON-AMERICAN COUNTRY!  MY MIDI-CHLORIANS ARE OFF THE SCALE, MOTHERFUCKER!  AND BY THAT, I MEAN I RAW-DOG THAT SHIT, BECAUSE I’M FUCKING MICHAEL PHELPS!

USA!  USA!  USA!

WHEN THEY MAKE A MOVIE OF MY LIFE, I HOPE THEY DON’T LEAVE OUT THE PART WHERE I DRINK BEERS AND BANG A PRODIGIOUS AMOUNT OF SLUTS AFTER WINNING FUCKING 8 GOLD MEDALS IN ONE OLYMPICS!

DRINKIN’ BEERS!  BANGIN’ SLUTS!  DRINKIN’ BEERS!  BANGIN’ SLUTS!

REST OF THE WORLD, YOU CAN SUCK MY OBVIOUSLY LARGE PENIS!

USA!  USA!  USA!

-Michael Phelps

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2 Responses to “An Open Letter to the World, From Michael Phelps”

  1. Mac10 said

    if you are going to channel the Michael Phelps voice, you needed to begin your post with “I am at a loss for words.”

  2. Wudgles said

    This is obviously after he gets shitfaced off malt liquor and finds his true inner voice.

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