The Glorious Return Of: Weekend Box Office Recap
Posted by Mac10 on May 4, 2009
After a brutal school year filled with drinkin’ beers and bangin’ sluts (Editor’s note: sluts should read “a slut”), I am excited for a summer with no job, no money, and no friends in town. On that uplifting note, let’s get back to everyone’s favorite blog post. This is where I recap the top 5 grossing movies of the weekend without seeing them. Good times are had by all.
1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine – This movie has some serious pros and cons. Pro: It includes the 2 best X-Men characters (Wolverine and Gambit) with certified bad-ass Taylor Kitsch (Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights) as Gambit. Con: How am I supposed to take Hugh Jackman seriously as Wolverine after that incredibly gay one-man musical he performed at the Oscars? It will take a lot for me to lose respect for Australia, but Hugh Jackman’s performance put a dent in my belief that all Australians were sweet and in a frat.
2. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past – That’s what I love about Matthew McConaughey movies. I get older, they stay the same.
3. Obsessed – This movie joins Varsity Blues on the list of most unrealistic movies ever. In both movies, the lead guy turns down an opportunity to sleep with Ali Larter because they are in a relationship. I don’t care who you are or who you are with, if Ali Larter wants to sleep with you, then you aren’t going to say no.
4. 17 Again – Here’s a fun game: Go into this movie wearing nothing but a trench coat and sit next to a row of pre-teen girls and see how long it takes for you to be escorted from the theater. My record is 4 minutes 32 seconds.
5. Monsters vs. Aliens – Any animated movie not made by Pixar gets several dismissive wanking motions.