Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

People Who Must Be Stopped: Adam Lambert

Posted by DrFunke on May 7, 2009

Friends, brothers, fellow angry bored people. I come to you today the humblest of humble pissed off bloggers, seeking to recruit you for a cause. This cause? (Warning on the upcoming link, I searched for a picture of the dude and this was the first link that came up and it’s pretty gay. Clearly I was not pleased because queers are for fags and they can go fuck themselves somewhere on some secret island and stay there because this is America, but it did further prove my point. Sigh, the pressures of being a high-culture writer. Also, if you’re gay, maybe the link is your thing.*) (*It’s two dudes making out.) To stop the faggot of all faggots, American Idol contestant Adam Lambert, from ever achieving any form of success. Why you ask?

Any further questions?

Any further questions?

Let’s start here: he’s famous for being on American Idol. I can’t really begin to explain to you why I hate this show, because it’s hard to start an explanation of something by listing every detail about it. “BUT DR FUNKE THEY ARE BIG STARS AND THEY’RE SO TALENTED LISTEN TO THEM SING MELIKES DICKS LOL.” Well suck one of said dicks reader, and in the meanwhile let the good Doctor drop a little knowledge on you. If you memorize a piece of writing from another author then publish it in a public forum that doesn’t make you talented, it makes you a plagiarist. Even if you change a couple parts but keep all the same main ideas and plot points and themes and characters, you’re still a plagiarist even if you think you slightly improved it. The only way it becomes your own work is if you happen to borrow some themes or plot elements, but make drastic changes otherwise in order to make the work original enough to be considered your idea. That’s where most of our ideas come from anyway. (Think “Simpsons Did It” from South Park.)

That said, American Idol is a fucking karaoke contest. If you’re a fan, your natural reaction will be to protest that statement. But take a deep breath and think. That’s all American Idol is. People take songs written and performed by other people, then sing them on stage in front of other people, then other people come on stage after them to perform different songs written and performed by different people. A few people sit at a table in front of them and judge them. During the Spring, Wudgles and I were those judges. We went to many a karaoke bar, got inappropriately drunk, and judged people for being horrible at singing in a vein similar to that of Simon Cowell. Differences: the Idol judges make millions of fucking dollars giving opinions on said karaoke competition, and you’re out of your goddamn mind if you think Wudgles and I couldn’t get shitfaced and do that about twice a week. Also, even the best singers at a dive-ass karaoke bar don’t get any more recognition than some applause and a high-five or two. Ever wonder why? Because that’s the most they deserve. Then again, this is our ass-backwards society where Heidi and Spencer Pratt probably have just about as much name recognition as President Obama. Of course, this means the winner of America’s favorite unoriginality contest gets a multi-million dollar record deal and endless fame.

I knew how this was since the show started airing, and frankly I didn’t feel like bothering. But I reached the breaking point when people began saying that this performance was better than the original version:

Really? This emo-haired leather covered douche is more talented than arguably one of the 3 best rock bands ever? Zeppelin is one of the few bands or artists that managed to have a long successful career while still staying creative and relevant throughout the entirety of their existence (Only people who did it better were Miles Davis and Springsteen, unless I’m forgetting someone). Maybe the Beatles couple years together were the best all-around, and you can argue the Rolling Stones best stuff is better than Zeppelin’s best. I’d disagree, but I’d listen to the argument. Those bands came up with their own stuff, from sound to lyrics to image to mystique and legend. Those bands are the definition of talent. Talent’s importance can be studied pretty easily in country. Mac 10 and I disagree on country music. It’s Mac’s favorite, and I’m not a fan. I can see some of the appeal; the singers have good voices and everything, and lyrically it’s by far the best genre. But so few of them write their own songs that it’s not at all rewarding to hear. It’s like putting that book A Million Little Pieces into music form. If neither the book or the author was authentic, how come there isn’t the same outcry about musicians who don’t write their own stuff and therefore aren’t singing something truthful and personal? Anyone want to explain this to me?

This asshole put on some leather and got a shitty haircut, and for whatever reason he’s now more talented than the dudes from Zeppelin? Sorry, but screw that noise. Just because he can shriek and sing high enough to make me question whether or not he possesses testicles doesn’t make him a good singer, in rock or any genre. If a guitarist were to just shred ridiculously all the time then, okay, we get it, you can shred, but it doesn’t mean it sounds good. It might resemble the above video, where Lambert’s voice is annoying as shit and he sounds like that noise Dane Cook makes when he talks about braking in a parking garage. (Am I making Dane Cook and American Idol references in one post? I just died on the inside.) What makes bands great is how they learn how to play with each other and eventually within each other to create a signature sound where the sum is greater than the parts. Pete Townshend would’ve smashed this Twilight-reading tool over the head with a guitar. The fact that the Zep comparison was ever even thought of, much less mentioned, is completely absurd.

Why is it that people in our society refuse to think for themselves? These ball-gargling retards from American Idol are going to be famous millionaires for singing karaoke? Really? Next thing you know, people are going to find a way to make ridiculous amounts of money for reading words off paper. Oh, too late, we have actors make $20 million dollars for putting on costumes, pretending they’re someone else, and saying what a script tells them to say. Am I crazy for thinking that the screenwriter, who creates all the characters and dialogue and plot and themes deserves the most credit? Followed by the director for maybe creating something extra with certain shots and contributing to the world the characters live in? Then the actors, for reading and being told what costumes to wear? Maybe I am, and maybe that’s why I’ll never like American Idol or buy into an Idol winner as a legitimate artist. In retrospect, my favorite part about this whole post is that when you think about it, blatant plagiarism really only matters in books. It never does in movies, and creativity doesn’t matter for shit in movies as anyone whose ever seen an action movie can attest to. Does anyone else get as much enjoyment as me out of the fact that the only people who care about plagiarism are people who we know for sure can read? Sorry, this post was an actual semi-logical and angry rant. Also far too long. But sometimes people just confuse me. For the love of God, I hope Adam Lambert doesn’t get famous for performing a shitty version of one of the best rock songs ever.

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