THE GREATEST NEWS EVER
Posted by Voltairrible on May 7, 2009
Manny Ramirez, slugger for the subhuman entity known as the Los Angeles Dodgers, has been suspended for 50 games. Why, you ask?
Because he fucking loves steroids. Let’s blockquote, shall we?
Ramirez, a baseball source told SI.com, explained to baseball officials he was uncertain he was taking a banned substance and may have had a medical reason for using the substance. After consultation with the Major League Baseball Players Association and his representatives, Ramirez has decided not to challenge the suspension, according to an MLBPA statement.
Translation: “Yeah, I was taking steroids. The only real thing I can do to try to save face is act like I didn’t know I was taking horse steroids.” Jackass. His excuse was that it was a banned performance enhancing drug that was prescribed by his physician without clearance from the MLB front office. Seriously, what other kind of performance enhancing drug would he be taking? Meth?
That’d be kinda cool, actually.
Anyway, it’s his entire job to know exactly what he’s putting into his body (which I imagine is a bunch of dicks). For $25 million a year, you should probably consult the MLB on anything and everything your doctor gives you. It’s not that goddamn hard, especially since you play a goddamn game for more money than I’ll make in my entire life. Given the witch hunt (that I completely approve of) in the MLB for people who use performance enhancers of any kind, it’s probably prudent to check on this type of stuff. That’s just me using logic, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
As a Padres fan, this makes my day. Ramirez will lost $7.65 Million of his $25 Million salary (that’s 30.6% for you add-wizards out there) and will be able to return on July 3rd. Until then, I’m hoping the shithole that is LA descends into another round of riots resulting in a sort of genetic purging (people form LA suck).