Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

Perez Hilton Should Wear a Helmet at all Times

Posted by DrFunke on June 22, 2009

I can’t believe I’m writing about this, but my hatred for Perez Hilton has gotten to the point where I need to vent. As of a few months ago, I didn’t know anything about him except that he was some gay dude who blogged about famous people.

Then there was the public feud he had with Miss USA because he asked her a question about her beliefs, and she answered it. To sum it up, he asked how she felt about gay marriage. She said she respected gay people and their rights, but gay marriage went against her religion. Not a shrewd answer if you’re trying to win a national pageant, but it was honest and frankly there wasn’t anything wrong with it. Unless you’re Perez Hilton, who proceeded to use his blog and any media outlet he could to try to rip this girl and her reputation to shreds because of her answer. I didn’t agree with her answer, but she has a right to her belief. As a gay guy, Hilton had every right to disagree with her, but that’s about it. If you ask someone a question, you’re going to get an answer. If that answer isn’t something along the lines of “I’m sleeping with your wife,” you probably don’t have a right to be very upset. Again, unless your Perez Hilton.

Today, this story got relatively huge. I’ll try to give you the short version: Apparently Perez’s blog constantly rips on Fergie and the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie saw him at some awards show, and came up to him and asked him to apologize or stop writing about her or something. He refused to do so and later Will.i.am, another BEPs member, approached him asking him to take back what he said, or something stupid that sounds like an argument you don’t have after you turn 10 years old. Instead of walking away or something smart, Perez did this:

“I was like ‘I don’t need to respect you. I don’t respect you and I did say this, and I knew that it would be the worst thing I could possibly say to him because he was acting the way he was. I said ‘You know what, I don’t respect you and you’re gay and stop being such a faggot.'”

Next they split, then someone from Will.i.am’s entourage came over and punched Perez in the face. This is where Hilton starts to hurt my brain. First of all, he goes back to his hotel and freaks out and decides he needs file a police report. Someone with a proper number of chromosomes calls 911 or the cops or whatever. Someone who is Perez Hilton FUCKING TWITTERS ABOUT IT. I AM SERIOUS.

— I’m in shock. I need the police ASAP. Please come to the SoHo Metropolitan Hotel now. Please.

— I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.

— Still waiting for the police. The bleeding has stopped. I need to document this. Please, can the police come to the SoHo Met Hotel.

— I spoke to my lawyer. I really need to talk to the authorities. Please come to the SoHo Met Hotel. Have called the police. Need them here.

Captain Kirk's reaction to anything Perez Hilton does.

Captain Kirk's reaction to anything Perez Hilton does.

All day today, Hilton was freaking out and saying Will.i.am is a monster and how could he do this and blah blah blah. I’m sorry, but Perez Hilton, fuck you. He specifically said he decided to use the worst insult he possibly could in response to Will.i.am’s approach. If you are not a retarded person, you probably get that if you’re talking to someone who already hates you, it is a bad idea to insult them with the worst thing you can think of. Odds are, you understand that would get you punched in the face by that person or one of his friends. Then again, you aren’t Perez Hilton. How can you not understand that your actions might have consequences? Be it asking a question or insulting someone, the things you do will cause people to react. Apparently Perez doesn’t use his brain, and because of this he believes he shouldn’t be responsible for his actions and the things they cause. People who are not stupid should have a pretty easy time figuring out that this is completely retarded.

Tonight, I went to a Chuck Klosterman book signing. (If you don’t know Klosterman, look him up. He is one of the funniest and smartest writers in the world, and his books are absolutely worth your time and money.) Klosterman is a pretty level-headed guy; he gets people and the way they interact much better than anyone I can think of, and he rarely gets too worked up or upset about anything. He went on a 10 minute rant about how the Perez Hilton story was the first thing that he read that day. At first it confused him, then it started bothering him, and when he finally figured out that Hilton expected the worst insult he could think of to have no consequence and then twittered to try to summon the cops, Chuck decided that it had ruined his day. He described the situation as “mind-blowingly stupid,” and said of Hilton, “I can believe someone is actually capable of thinking they are above reproach for what they do.” Basically, the moral of the rant is that people like Perez Hilton are the problem in America, and they make him (and me) die on the inside.

It’s hard enough for me to believe that Perez has achieved some level of fame, but the fact that this is a newsworthy story is absurd to me. The only way this should warrant mention is in a piece praising the guy who actually hit him: Will.i.am’s awesomely named bodyguard, Polo. Or praising the Toronto cops for basically telling Hilton to fuck off, because they had real problems to deal with. I really hope this derails Hilton’s career, because at this point I am just beyond sick of everything I hear about the guy. Polo, you’re a good man.

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