Sans Morality

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Guest Movie Review-Transformers

Posted by Mac10 on June 24, 2009

My little brother went to go see Transformers last night. Since it would take an order from Sir Nick himself to get me to see it, I will let him review the movie for you.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Galactically Stupid

Last night I was roped into seeing the new Transformers movie for the midnight showing. I continually protested to my friends that I did not wish to see anything that has Michael Bay anywhere near it, unless of course it’s The Rock (which is only good because of one man: Sir Nick Cage.) My friends told me they would team up and gang rape me if I didn’t go, so in the interest of my asshole, I decided to go. (Step over Dr. Funke, you aren’t the only anal-rapist around) Looking back, I should have just let them gang rape me, for watching Transformers 2 is worse than being anally raped (not that I have been anally raped, but nothing could be more painful than watching Shia LaBeouf act) Well moving on from raping anuses, I would like to give some more details about why this movie was so bad that my butthole hurt afterward.

Warning: The next few paragraphs contain MANY SPOILERS (not that is matters since the script was most likely written by a retarded elk…ya try and imagine that)

The acting, wow the acting. It was just flat out bad, it’s like they just tried one take for every scene and just said, “Ya that’s good enough, we can just blow something up in the background to draw the attention away from actual dialogue.” Shia, what happened, you had such a promising career in front of you while Even Stevens was going on, and I guess we just now realized we only watched that show for Beans. While Shia’s acting leaves a lot to be desired, his character, Sam, does nothing special that anyone else couldn’t do. To be honest, I never saw the first Transformer movie, but you would think that they spend a whole movie with the Transformers before, and the only thing you learned how to do was just run? I don’t remember him ever destroying a single “bad” Transformer in this movie. The only reason he is involved is because he touched a piece of rock that made him see symbols that he doesn’t understand. If you’re going to be the main role in an action movie, you have to be badass in some way, but Sam is just a pussy who screams a lot and runs. Speaking of screaming, while Megan Fox is undeniably tasty, her role involves 2 things: be hot and scream “SAM!!” every 4 minutes. The little struggle that goes on between Shia and Foxy throughout the movie is that they won’t say “I Love You.” Wow, that is the most uninteresting couple problem ever and if you can’t say that you love Megan Fox then you are obviously a faggot.

Shia and Megan take up the two main roles while John Turturro and Ramon Rodriguez take supporting roles. Turturro is usually a very reliable actor, except maybe in Barton Fink which is unbelievably boring, and he performs his role to its mediocre limitation and don’t have a problem with his character too much except for the end when he decides that he needs to climb the pyramid on which the bad transformer is on. He radios to the US Army to shoot down the transformer which they eventually do but there is absolutely no reason for him to be climbing the pyramid, he could have just as easily radioed in from 10 miles away but Michael Bay decides that he needs a somewhat main character near a big explosion. (Quick little side note: I’m pretty sure there was not a 5 minute span in the movie where there wasn’t an explosion. Is there an Oscar for that?) Now on to the newly-named most annoying character in cinematic history (He gladly accepted the title from former title holder Jar Jar Binks): Ramon Rodriguez’s portrayal of Leo, Sam’s college roommate. “Like most college dorms, Leo for some reason has a huge room that has tv and computer screens everywhere, and while it may be moving-in day for the dorm, it looks like he’s been there a good 2 years. Leo, of course gets dragged into the whole Transformer mess and complains constantly about being shot at and screams and cries every time (which in a Michael Bay film is quite a lot.) While he cries and claims that he wants out of the car every 3 seconds, when Turturro is about to leave to perform an inexplicable climb up a pyramid, Leo says he wants to ride with him. Why wouldn’t the guy who won’t stop crying about danger want to go into the most dangerous area, just an obvious move right?

Everybody likes to watch random pieces of metal clash into each other and makes loud noises right? Cause that’s what every fight scene was when it was between 2 or more Transformers. Bay decided to shoot the fights up close so you had absolutely no idea who was hitting who and whether or not the good guys were winning which made me ask myself for 3rd time throughout the movie, “Do I even care?” Also just another random comment about the Transformers, why they hell do they have teeth? And do they have dental plans where they’re from? I guess you could call them all “metal mouths” HAHAHA Oh I make myself laugh. But ANYWAY, some fight scenes were hard to tell what the hell was going on and then 2 different driving scenes bothered me because they are all driving in the desert at one point with nothing around them but sand and then BAM they are in a city, no element of time passage was used, just BAM, we haven’t blow anything up in a while, lets get going. And then right after that, the cops are following them so they say to each other they need to get away from them and then BAM they are hiding in buildings throughout the city, no need to show us how the hell the got out of the car. I’m pretty sure Hayden Christensen wasn’t in there car and “jumped” them out.

Now to discuss the ending. Another little warning, MAJOR SPOILERS HERE (but once again, if you have the IQ of 12 or above you could figure out the ending.) Optimus Prime is killed earlier trying to save Sam and now Sam has to bring him back to life to defeat Megatron. So they have to find this key they could bring Prime back to life and this key is called the “matrix” seriously it is, obviously they ran out of imaginative names and just borrowed it from an amazing movie. (I don’t care if Transformers used the word before the movie came out but The Matrix is an awesome movie and Transformers blows and so ipso facto Transformers is gay) But ANYWAY back to the ending. Sam is blown up right before he gets to Prime (obviously) and he is lying there while Foxy screams “SAM!!” for the thousandth time. We now see Sam in what looks to be “Transformer Heaven” (at this point I am cackling like a hyena from Lion King its so ridiculous) and the other Primes tell him what he already knows, it’s his destiny and he has to save Optimus (actually I’m just guessing here because I couldn’t hear anything over my own laughter, but I’m pretty sure that sounds right.) Also the matrix is the key to blowing up the sun for the transformers to use as energy (the plot of the movie, and ya I just said the plot as an aside) So of course the Transformer named “The Fallen” puts the key into the machine to blow up the sun but it has to warm up like a 1950s TV so that, thank god, give Prime time to go blow it up and kill The Fallen and he may have killed Megatron but you can’t tell who the fuck is who and I didn’t care. And then lastly we see one of the bad Transformers hiding and not getting killed (which could have EASILY happened) to ensure a third installment.

Since there is obviously going to be another one, the second film of a good trilogy is supposed to basically have to bad guys win. See Star Wars. The title was supposed to fulfill that as well, but in the end the bad guys lose anyway and they just let a bad guy get away so they can have another movie. Classic Michael Bay: focus on explosions and waving of arms (preferably with flares in hands) and forget that you have to actually write dialogue and a script. O well, better luck next time and the next time and the next time because for some reason people love his shitty movies.


10 Responses to “Guest Movie Review-Transformers”

  1. DrFunke said

    I’d just like to comment that there’s no such thing as rape. Only surprise sex.

  2. Jean Claude Van Dangles said

    I only read the first paragraph of that post, but it was just so wrong that I had to stop reading. Shia Laboeuf can’t act? Please Little Mackey. Maybe you were too young for Even Stevens (though I always thought of myself as way too old…), but that was one of the great comedies of our time. Shame on you.

  3. Coughlin's Law said

    This is “Little Mackey”

    Well if you hadn’t stopped reading, you would have seen this statement:
    “Shia, what happened, you had such a promising career in front of you while Even Stevens was going on, and I guess we just now realized we only watched that show for Beans.”
    I enjoyed Even Stevens as much as any kid, but maybe Shia just peaked too soon.

  4. Jean Claude Van Dangles said

    Fair enough. But again, I have to take issue with saying Beans was the best character in the show. Kid was ugly and creepy, at best. I consider myself somewhat of an amateur scholar on the show and know for a fact that the best character was obviously Coach Tugnutt and that point is not up for debate.

    Louis-“Coach, are you eating sausages up on the roof?”

    Tugnutt-“PSHHH You think this chiseled body would be eating fatty sausages? These are tofu dogs. And I don’t eat up here, I just grill up here and then go eat alone in my car. I’m no goofball.”

  5. DrFunke said

    This comment section is so Raven.

  6. Mac10 said

    I never watched Even Stevens but I’m going to assume it wasn’t Shia’s best role. That would obviously be Holes. Since starring in this soaring epic of love and redemption, Shia has ruined his reputation by trying to become an action star. Shia should leave the action movies to the professionals (Sir Nick, Sean Bean, everyone else from National Treasure) and go back to making quality films. Holes 2 anyone?

  7. DrFunke said

    You left out a key star from the National Treasure films, Mac 10: Justin Bartha. Clearly he learned much under the tutelage of the Cage. Starring as Doug in The Hangover, he showed off some of his comedy skills. We all know the level of performance he can bring to serious dramas, like National Treasure, or National Treasure 2. And who can forget his delivery of the greatest line in movie history, as Riley from National Treasure 2. “Does it involve treasure?”

  8. Coughlin's Law said

    Van Dangles, I must agree that Tugnutt may be one of the best characters in television history (2nd to Mr. Feeny, of course) but let me just remind you, Beans’s name was Beans, and from there his hilarity has no bounds.

  9. T Bone said

    (SPOILERS) Hold on a second. I have seen Transformers also and i have to say you left out what I think was the most major flaw to this movie (yes the “Most major” is needed to clarify). Sam has the symbols that he doesnt understand and is told that it is the language of the Primes. So he goes to find an ancient transformer at the smithsonian. (the black bird plane, who as a transformer with a crutch was my favorite character. and had some of the best acting ability). And Sam uses this piece of rock from the first movie to bring this guy to life.

    But, why didnt he just go to optimus prime who had just died. And use the stupid rock on him in the first place so that he wouldnt have to get the second regenrative device of the movie (the previosuly mentioned Matrix)to use on optimus. Im so upset by this. fuck you michael bay.

    Also the other girl, isabel Lucas (check her out) in this movie is rediculously hot, until a metal tail comes out of her ass. It was extremely uncomfortable knowing I was attracted to her despite this.

  10. Coughlin's Law said

    Thank you T Bone for enlightening us on another major flaw, I guess I forgot that Michael Bay does not use “logic” in his movies. Also I would like to point out during that scene when they bring the old guy back to life, they dont check whether or not he is a good guy or bad guy before bringing him back. Seriously? Not that I could ever replace the great Sam, but if I were him that would probably be the first thing I did.

    Also about the really hot chick, Isabel Lucas, yes she is quite hot. And to be honest, while the tail was a little disconcerting, I thought the long-ass tongue was quite a turn-on.

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