Wudgles Returns, Acts Xenophobic
Posted by Voltairrible on July 2, 2009
Fellow Members of the Dick-Joke Mafia,
I’m writing this while sitting in an airport. A foreign airport. Let the gravity of that sink in for a minute. Personally, I don’t mind flying. In fact, it’s what I want to do with my life (which is sort of the reason I’m in this airport anyway), but I really don’t like airports. Airports are pretty much a step above the DMV for me, since it involves jumping through a bunch of hoops to do something relatively simple, all the while dealing with (1) hordes of people who are dumb as shit (2) airline ticket agents who are either (2a) rude (2b) stupid (2c) both. Needless to say, I’m pretty pissed at the moment.
“Wudgles, you intrepid traveler, what airport are you in?” you are obviously exclaiming from the edge of your seat.
I’m in the airport that services Batam, Indonesia.
Before you waste your time Googling the little slice of shit that is Batam, let me fill you in: it sucks here. The entire city of Batam is basically a shithole. I live and go to college in the South, and I’m used to humidity, but Jesus Tapdancing Christ it’s nothing compared to this. I walked outside the ship I was on at 5 o’fucking’clock this morning and instantly started sweating. It is downright oppressive here and no one seems to be phased. So, of course, the airport isn’t air conditioned, because that would be civilized. There’s a little Indonesian girl running around in a goddamn parka while my grundle dumps sweat like the Padres dump salary. Fuck me.
Did I also mention that since I couldn’t get on the flight with all my friends, I’m officially the ONLY white person in the airport right now? And that I’m the only one that speaks English (well, my ticket agent spoke enough to tell me I was fucked and that her country blows). And the food here is not exactly what I’d call “up to standards.” Plus, it would make me shit, which is an inconvenience since THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN THE WHOLE GODDAMN COUNTRY. Holy shit is it so hard to make the jump from using your bare hand to using something that doesn’t make you get shit all over yourself? Everyone has iPhones, yet they swab shit out of their ass daily. Wonders never cease.
Another thing that sucks about the airport: no chairs in the waiting area. I can’t even begin to detail how big of an inconvenience this is. Imagine to yourself, barely literate reader, how ridiculous the scene is right now: lone white male sitting on questionably clean floor, sweating his ass off in a 3rd world country while his laptop dies and he waits for 4 more fucking hours to check his bags in. God, I hate everywhere that isn’t America.
Get me the fuck out of here.
I will mention three saving graces of Batam to make it seem that I’m not completely oblivious to some things that other countries have to offer (example: Mexico has burritos and women who fuck horses for a living). First, the exchange rate is pretty awesome. It costs roughly 10,000 Indonesian rupiah to equal US$1. Naturally, I was pretty pumped that my bank statement made me a millionaire as soon as I touched shore here. Most things cost less than $20, with about half of that stuff being under $10. It’s amazing walking into restaurants and paying $0.80 for the main course of a meal. Second, Bintang beer is delicious and cost effective. Bintang is the local beer brewed in Indonesia, and it reminds me of the Pacific version of Natural Light. The mall we went to sold a can of this stuff for about a buck, which is amazing for getting drunk in public on the cheap. Third, it has a whorehouse called the Oar House (see what they did there?) that two of my colleagues visited (one got a free hummer and the other paid ~US$20 to violate some 100 pound Asian girl for half an hour).
Thankfully, I will soon be heading on to the gloriousness that is America. I’m flying from Batam to Jakarta to Bali, which, to the best of my knowledge, are slightly less shitty. Then, it’s on to Tokyo, where I will stock up on tentacle porn and used women’s underwear from vending machines. Apparently, I get free booze on the trip from Tokyo to Dallas, which means that I may or may not be in zip-tie cuffs upon returning to the US of A.
You have got to be fucking shitting me. It just cost me $3 to leave Batam, and another $15 to leave the shithole that is Indonesia.
Everywhere that isn’t America can fuck off.