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Archive for the ‘Rants’ Category

Wudgles Returns, Acts Xenophobic

Posted by Voltairrible on July 2, 2009

Fellow Members of the Dick-Joke Mafia,

I’m writing this while sitting in an airport.  A foreign airport.  Let the gravity of that sink in for a minute.  Personally, I don’t mind flying.  In fact, it’s what I want to do with my life (which is sort of the reason I’m in this airport anyway), but I really don’t like airports.  Airports are pretty much a step above the DMV for me, since it involves jumping through a bunch of hoops to do something relatively simple, all the while dealing with (1) hordes of people who are dumb as shit (2) airline ticket agents who are either (2a) rude (2b) stupid (2c) both.  Needless to say, I’m pretty pissed at the moment.

“Wudgles, you intrepid traveler, what airport are you in?” you are obviously exclaiming from the edge of your seat.

I’m in the airport that services Batam, Indonesia.

Before you waste your time Googling the little slice of shit that is Batam, let me fill you in: it sucks here.  The entire city of Batam is basically a shithole.  I live and go to college in the South, and I’m used to humidity, but Jesus Tapdancing Christ it’s nothing compared to this. I walked outside the ship I was on at 5 o’fucking’clock this morning and instantly started sweating.  It is downright oppressive here and no one seems to be phased.  So, of course, the airport isn’t air conditioned, because that would be civilized.  There’s a little Indonesian girl running around in a goddamn parka while my grundle dumps sweat like the Padres dump salary.  Fuck me.

Did I also mention that since I couldn’t get on the flight with all my friends, I’m officially the ONLY white person in the airport right now?  And that I’m the only one that speaks English (well, my ticket agent spoke enough to tell me I was fucked and that her country blows).  And the food here is not exactly what I’d call “up to standards.”  Plus, it would make me shit, which is an inconvenience since THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN THE WHOLE GODDAMN COUNTRY.  Holy shit is it so hard to make the jump from using your bare hand to using something that doesn’t make you get shit all over yourself?  Everyone has iPhones, yet they swab shit out of their ass daily.  Wonders never cease.

Another thing that sucks about the airport: no chairs in the waiting area.  I can’t even begin to detail how big of an inconvenience this is.  Imagine to yourself, barely literate reader, how ridiculous the scene is right now: lone white male sitting on questionably clean floor, sweating his ass off in a 3rd world country while his laptop dies and he waits for 4 more fucking hours to check his bags in.  God, I hate everywhere that isn’t America.

Get me the fuck out of here.

I will mention three saving graces of Batam to make it seem that I’m not completely oblivious to some things that other countries have to offer (example: Mexico has burritos and women who fuck horses for a living).  First, the exchange rate is pretty awesome.  It costs roughly 10,000 Indonesian rupiah to equal US$1.  Naturally, I was pretty pumped that my bank statement made me a millionaire as soon as I touched shore here.  Most things cost less than $20, with about half of that stuff being under $10.  It’s amazing walking into restaurants and paying $0.80 for the main course of a meal.  Second, Bintang beer is delicious and cost effective.  Bintang is the local beer brewed in Indonesia, and it reminds me of the Pacific version of Natural Light.  The mall we went to sold a can of this stuff for about a buck, which is amazing for getting drunk in public on the cheap.  Third, it has a whorehouse called the Oar House (see what they did there?) that two of my colleagues visited (one got a free hummer and the other paid ~US$20 to violate some 100 pound Asian girl for half an hour).

Thankfully, I will soon be heading on to the gloriousness that is America.  I’m flying from Batam to Jakarta to Bali, which, to the best of my knowledge, are slightly less shitty.  Then, it’s on to Tokyo, where I will stock up on tentacle porn and used women’s underwear from vending machines.  Apparently, I get free booze on the trip from Tokyo to Dallas, which means that I may or may not be in zip-tie cuffs upon returning to the US of A.


You have got to be fucking shitting me.  It just cost me $3 to leave Batam, and another $15 to leave the shithole that is Indonesia.

Everywhere that isn’t America can fuck off.




Posted in Random, Rants | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Dr. Funke Presents: The King of All Douchebags

Posted by DrFunke on June 26, 2009

Camelot had Arthur. France had like 18 Louises. (I dare you to figure out the proper spelling of the plural of that fucking name. France is still for queers.) Boxing has Don. The South has college football/T.I., depending on who you talk to (white people or T.I.). Douchebags have Arthur Kade.

Arthur is an aspiring actor/entertainer/model/someone seeking employment in the general all-around handsome business. If you’re trying to get an idea of what Arthur’s like, do it this way: think of stereotypical movie villains – the comparison I’m coming up with right now is Sack Lodge from “Wedding Crashers.” Basically, they are all incredibly cocky about their popularity and how awesome they are, people seem to like them for some unknown reason, but they ostensibly have no positive qualities. Take one of those characters, Sack for now, and make them twice as douche-y, and then give them a blog to document their douchiness extensively on a daily basis. Now we’ve arrived at Arthur Kade.

Aside from my previous rants against Perez Hilton, my praising of Bobby Motherfucking Gee, my discussion of Mac 10’s previous law troubles, and my journalistically responsible coverage of Wudgles’ child molesting, I don’t really like to discuss individual people on SM. (It’s nice not having any credibility to defend.) But after reading one entry on Arthur’s blog, I was left with no choice. Unintentional comedy was in shambles. Modesty was erased from every Webster’s Dictionary around the world. Quite frankly, I may have briefly blacked out due to overdose of douche.

One sad piece of news from today was the death of Michael Jackson. Say what you want about the guy (“LOL KIDS ARE SAFE NOW *punches self in balls*), but he probably was the second biggest cultural icon of the 20th century behind Elvis Presley. Whereas Elvis died before coming too much of a joke and his legacy improved as a result (like most musicians who die prematurely), Mike lived on and became the Mike of recent history we all remember. The guy meant a lot to a lot of people, and he made some great music with the Jackson 5 and in his solo career that was a definitive part of many people’s childhoods. He is a legend regardless of his alleged Wudgles-esque behavior.

When someone you had some kind of relationship with dies, be it family, friends, or someone who’s cultural contributions meant something to you, is basically the one time where you need to realize it’s not time to talk to about what that death means in relationship to your career and life. If you understand this notion, your first name is not “Arthur”, and your last name is not “Kade”. In the wake of MJ’s death, he posted this link on his blog. Read this article. First off, it’s hilarious because he spends most of the time talking about how sweet he is and about the importance of the “Kade Brand” and blah blah blah dismissive wanking motion. He reacts to MJ’s death the exact opposite of the way a normal human being should. He also somehow manages to work in a paragraph about how important his workout routine is, because somehow that makes sense when talking about a guy whose heart just gave out on him. Arthur, I have a message for you: your bench press does not affect whether or not your heart continues to beat. Diet maybe, running sort of, but getting real huge twice a day like you claim to do? Not at all. Actually, when you get older and you can’t keep up your workout routine and all that muscle turns into fat, you’ll probably be the first in line to have a heart attack. So the moral of the story is that the true barometer of your level of douche peaks when you turn the death of a cultural icon into a discussion on how much you go to the gym and how awesome you are.

Read some more of his entries, because most of them bring the noise regarding unintentional comedy. Full entries regarding how awesome he is and why? Check. Actually, multiple checks because that’s literally every entry. He actually spends one entry about all the hot tail he gets and the kind of shit he used to pull when he was younger. It teeters on the borderline of unintentional comedy and absolutely infuriating, but it’s worth a read for all the reasons Arthur never meant it to be.

And one thing that kills me? HE CAN’T USE FUCKING COMMAS CORRECTLY. It isn’t difficult if you aren’t a retarded person, take the time to learn it. If you don’t, you’re just going to end up looking like a re-tard. If you don’t believe me, read this. Or check this shit out:

Our first tale is a romantic one–or so it may appear. The story begins with an email that John received one day from his new girlfriend. Consider how pleased he must have felt to read this note from Jane:

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?

Unfortunately, John was far from pleased. In fact, he was heartbroken. You see, John was familiar with Jane’s peculiar ways of misusing punctuation marks. And so to decipher the true meaning of her email, he had to re-read it with the marks altered:

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

FIGURE IT OUT. In conclusion, being a huge asshole in a public forum will never make you look good. Says the pot to the kettle.

My reaction to Arthur in picture form

My reaction to Arthur in picture form

Posted in Rants | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

People Who Must Be Stopped: Adam Lambert

Posted by DrFunke on May 7, 2009

Friends, brothers, fellow angry bored people. I come to you today the humblest of humble pissed off bloggers, seeking to recruit you for a cause. This cause? (Warning on the upcoming link, I searched for a picture of the dude and this was the first link that came up and it’s pretty gay. Clearly I was not pleased because queers are for fags and they can go fuck themselves somewhere on some secret island and stay there because this is America, but it did further prove my point. Sigh, the pressures of being a high-culture writer. Also, if you’re gay, maybe the link is your thing.*) (*It’s two dudes making out.) To stop the faggot of all faggots, American Idol contestant Adam Lambert, from ever achieving any form of success. Why you ask?

Any further questions?

Any further questions?

Let’s start here: he’s famous for being on American Idol. I can’t really begin to explain to you why I hate this show, because it’s hard to start an explanation of something by listing every detail about it. “BUT DR FUNKE THEY ARE BIG STARS AND THEY’RE SO TALENTED LISTEN TO THEM SING MELIKES DICKS LOL.” Well suck one of said dicks reader, and in the meanwhile let the good Doctor drop a little knowledge on you. If you memorize a piece of writing from another author then publish it in a public forum that doesn’t make you talented, it makes you a plagiarist. Even if you change a couple parts but keep all the same main ideas and plot points and themes and characters, you’re still a plagiarist even if you think you slightly improved it. The only way it becomes your own work is if you happen to borrow some themes or plot elements, but make drastic changes otherwise in order to make the work original enough to be considered your idea. That’s where most of our ideas come from anyway. (Think “Simpsons Did It” from South Park.)

That said, American Idol is a fucking karaoke contest. If you’re a fan, your natural reaction will be to protest that statement. But take a deep breath and think. That’s all American Idol is. People take songs written and performed by other people, then sing them on stage in front of other people, then other people come on stage after them to perform different songs written and performed by different people. A few people sit at a table in front of them and judge them. During the Spring, Wudgles and I were those judges. We went to many a karaoke bar, got inappropriately drunk, and judged people for being horrible at singing in a vein similar to that of Simon Cowell. Differences: the Idol judges make millions of fucking dollars giving opinions on said karaoke competition, and you’re out of your goddamn mind if you think Wudgles and I couldn’t get shitfaced and do that about twice a week. Also, even the best singers at a dive-ass karaoke bar don’t get any more recognition than some applause and a high-five or two. Ever wonder why? Because that’s the most they deserve. Then again, this is our ass-backwards society where Heidi and Spencer Pratt probably have just about as much name recognition as President Obama. Of course, this means the winner of America’s favorite unoriginality contest gets a multi-million dollar record deal and endless fame.

I knew how this was since the show started airing, and frankly I didn’t feel like bothering. But I reached the breaking point when people began saying that this performance was better than the original version:

Really? This emo-haired leather covered douche is more talented than arguably one of the 3 best rock bands ever? Zeppelin is one of the few bands or artists that managed to have a long successful career while still staying creative and relevant throughout the entirety of their existence (Only people who did it better were Miles Davis and Springsteen, unless I’m forgetting someone). Maybe the Beatles couple years together were the best all-around, and you can argue the Rolling Stones best stuff is better than Zeppelin’s best. I’d disagree, but I’d listen to the argument. Those bands came up with their own stuff, from sound to lyrics to image to mystique and legend. Those bands are the definition of talent. Talent’s importance can be studied pretty easily in country. Mac 10 and I disagree on country music. It’s Mac’s favorite, and I’m not a fan. I can see some of the appeal; the singers have good voices and everything, and lyrically it’s by far the best genre. But so few of them write their own songs that it’s not at all rewarding to hear. It’s like putting that book A Million Little Pieces into music form. If neither the book or the author was authentic, how come there isn’t the same outcry about musicians who don’t write their own stuff and therefore aren’t singing something truthful and personal? Anyone want to explain this to me?

This asshole put on some leather and got a shitty haircut, and for whatever reason he’s now more talented than the dudes from Zeppelin? Sorry, but screw that noise. Just because he can shriek and sing high enough to make me question whether or not he possesses testicles doesn’t make him a good singer, in rock or any genre. If a guitarist were to just shred ridiculously all the time then, okay, we get it, you can shred, but it doesn’t mean it sounds good. It might resemble the above video, where Lambert’s voice is annoying as shit and he sounds like that noise Dane Cook makes when he talks about braking in a parking garage. (Am I making Dane Cook and American Idol references in one post? I just died on the inside.) What makes bands great is how they learn how to play with each other and eventually within each other to create a signature sound where the sum is greater than the parts. Pete Townshend would’ve smashed this Twilight-reading tool over the head with a guitar. The fact that the Zep comparison was ever even thought of, much less mentioned, is completely absurd.

Why is it that people in our society refuse to think for themselves? These ball-gargling retards from American Idol are going to be famous millionaires for singing karaoke? Really? Next thing you know, people are going to find a way to make ridiculous amounts of money for reading words off paper. Oh, too late, we have actors make $20 million dollars for putting on costumes, pretending they’re someone else, and saying what a script tells them to say. Am I crazy for thinking that the screenwriter, who creates all the characters and dialogue and plot and themes deserves the most credit? Followed by the director for maybe creating something extra with certain shots and contributing to the world the characters live in? Then the actors, for reading and being told what costumes to wear? Maybe I am, and maybe that’s why I’ll never like American Idol or buy into an Idol winner as a legitimate artist. In retrospect, my favorite part about this whole post is that when you think about it, blatant plagiarism really only matters in books. It never does in movies, and creativity doesn’t matter for shit in movies as anyone whose ever seen an action movie can attest to. Does anyone else get as much enjoyment as me out of the fact that the only people who care about plagiarism are people who we know for sure can read? Sorry, this post was an actual semi-logical and angry rant. Also far too long. But sometimes people just confuse me. For the love of God, I hope Adam Lambert doesn’t get famous for performing a shitty version of one of the best rock songs ever.

Posted in Music, Rants | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »


Posted by DrFunke on August 16, 2008

Today marks one of the greatest days in the history of my life. Why so great? Because my horrible, boring internship, that spent every day sucking the will to live directly from my soul, is finally over. I was basically counting down the time until my shift ended out loud, much to the dismay of my boss who had already written me a recommendation letter. When I finally finished, I celebrated in a manner that looked extremely similar to this:

Unfortunately, I was short on boozing options for this night, so instead I spent my time triumphantly masturbating in my neighbors’ front yards until the police were called to intervene. Anyway, two important questions:

1. If your boss spends 2 minutes talking about how great you were as an intern and how much they’d love to have you back, but then describes your work as “swell” in his last sentence of your evaluation, do you dismiss all of his previous compliments as heavy sarcasm? Or, as Mac 10 theorized, was my boss trying to have sex with me?

2. Is there anything more American than spending your first day as a free man by waking up early at the crack of noon, driving an hour, and spending the rest of your day/night getting unreasonably shit faced at a part with former fratsmen and other assorted college grads? I’ll be finding out.

You may be asking yourself, “What’s the point of this post, Doctor?”

Well said.

Posted in Rants | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

IMDb: Sex, Lies, and Censorship

Posted by DrFunke on July 26, 2008

My name is Dr. Funke. Commander of the armies of Sir Cage, General of the Cage legions. Father to a murdered thread, husband to a murdered post. Loyal to the one true Cage. And I will have my vengeance.

My name is Dr. Funke. Commander of the armies of Sir Cage, General of the Cage legions. Father to a murdered thread, husband to a murdered post. Loyal to the one true Cage. And I will have my vengeance.

Friends, brothers, Sans Morality readers. This post’s title sounded good so I left it, but it doesn’t really make sense. Moving on. It is with great regret that I come to you today imprisoned by the yoke of censorship. “But why, aside from your foul language, heavy sarcasm, and hatred of others, would you be censored, kind Doctor?” Good question, loyal reader. Now, it is time that I shared this truth with you, before the people at IMDb and the rest of the MSM.

Firstly, the MSM is “the mainstream media” for all you sheep out there keeping score. Goddamn sheeple, don’t know about the mainstream media trying to control the masses through lies and propaganda. Well let me tell you some things right now that you need to know, just so you can start to pull the veil of the MSM from back over your eyes. JFK assassination? The CIA and the mob collaborated, strictly because they thought it sounded fucking awesome. Roswell? That shit happened, the aliens are all around us. “Men In Black” and its sequels were documentaries. The Cold War? That didn’t end through diplomacy. Rocky Balboa ended it by beating Ivan Drago in Russia and uttering the immortal phrase: “If I can change, and you can change, maybe we all can change.” Weird a politician didn’t think of that one first. Vietnam War? The Jews were responsible for that one. (If you don’t think that makes sense, it’s probably because it doesn’t) Oh, and 9/11? President Bush organized that one, which is weird because he has trouble putting together sentences. But come on, you saw “Loose Change,” if vague questions over ominous music don’t prove that Bush is responsible, what does? Some insiders, however, have speculated the Arabs were involved because they hate freedom, despite what some people will have you believe. I think I pretty much enlightened all of you sheeple bitches.

Now, the important question: what was IMDb trying to hide from its members? What secret could be so explosive, so potent, that the Statist bastards at IMDb needed to bury it six feet under? The answer: Sir Nick F. Cage, Esq., is the single greatest actor that has ever lived or will ever live, and may in fact be the messiah. How did I figure out that Cage was Christ? Nicolas Cage Christ? I watched the single greatest film ever made, “The Wicker Man.” This movie takes the honest temperature of the world we live in, and asks the important questions about our culture. Like, how’d it get burned? We never find out. Cage also delivers some of the most unforgettable and powerful lines in movie history. Like “NOT THE BEES! ARGHHGH!! AHHHH THEY’RE IN MY EYES!! AHHH!!” Also, Cage teaches us that if you’re going to beat women, do it in a bear suit, and then it will be socially acceptable. Cage’s performance as Detective Edward Malus is absolutely powerhouse material. Not to take anything away from Keanu Reeves in “Point Break,” but Cage’s performance in TWM is the single greatest performance to ever grace the big screen, which is just one of the many reasons TWM is the single greatest motion picture ever made.

But Cage’s fine performances don’t stop there. What about his role as magician and psychic (you are reading that right) Cris Johnson in the movie “Next”? And don’t forget his role as Johnny Blaze, aka the Ghost Rider, in Cage’s semi-autobiographical film, “Ghost Rider.” With one best actor Academy Award already under his belt, Cage is getting somewhat of the Shaq/MJ treatment: everyone knows he’s by far the best out there, so the academy gets bored voting for him every year. Of course this leads to Cage getting revenge by making world changing movies, i.e. “The Wicker Man.” But still, if all was fair and honest, they would cancel the Oscars every year and just give every award to Cage. In order to pretend like other actors can hold a candle to Nick, they just keep him unjustly out of award consideration. Why is Cage so much better? Because he is our savior, here to save us from our sins and spread his word through his work. (That IMDb post is the work of Mac10. My contribution to that post has been deleted, for I had been spreading Cage’s word for months. Hopefully they don’t catch on to Mac10 anytime soon.) It will be Cage who either condemns you to hell or opens the pearly gates for you once judgment day comes. “Judge not, lest ye be Cage.” Well said, accurate bible quote.

Aware of this, I tried to change things, starting on the IMDb boards. But my efforts were all for naught, because an administrator deleted all of my work. Thus, being a Cage fan is like life. All your hard work and effort can be nullified and voided by the stroke of a pen from one powerful man. Not a woman though, a woman in a position of power is just ridiculous. I really lost my train of thought here.

Oh right, Sir Cage, Esquire. Friends, before we are all censored by the statist sheeple over at IMDb, we must rise up and gather the armies of Cage. One day, there will be a time where Cage will rise above all others to be recognized as the greatest actor of all time. Oh, and as the second coming of Christ too (first if you’re Jewish). With his new movie, “Bangkok Dangerous” being released, and action like this and this promised, Cage’s time is surely coming soon. It is our responsibility to prepare to serve him when he rises to power. To accurately quote the bible again, “What communion hath greatness with Cage? A lot.” Agreed, Jesus. Agreed.

Cage at his first job. He was soon bored with saving the world on a daily bais.

Cage at his first job. He was soon bored with saving the world on a daily bais.

Posted in Rants | 5 Comments »

Mac10 Has Horrible Taste

Posted by Voltairrible on July 23, 2008

The harddeck for this hop is "Mac10 is a faggot"

The hard deck for this hop is "Mac10 is a faggot"

I’m extremely disappointed in Mac10 and his reviews of the Top 10 Tom Cruise Movies.  And by that, I mean that I think he’s an extremely unfratty douchebag.

How can you neglect mentioning the single greatest movie of all time, Top Gun?  Honestly, Mac10, why hast thou forsaken Maverick, Goose, and the Spirit of Tom Skerritt (Viper be his name)?

Top Gun is fucking awesome, and if you don’t like it, I don’t think we can be friends anymore.  Sure, you may say that I’m foolish for basing my entire career choice on the 109 minutes of action, witty dialogue, shirtless male volleyball, and more action.  But, that’s just your opinion.  And, in contrast, my opinion about this wonderful piece of American cinema is entirely correct.  If you disagree, then go be an hero.

Here are the reasons that Top Gun deserves to be #1 on that previous list, as well as spots 2 through 10:

  • Naval Aviation – best in the world (eat a dick, you Air Force pussies.  No one made a sweet movie about Red Flag, so blow it out your ass)
  • Sweet callsigns, such as Maverick, (Mother) Goose, Iceman, Jester, Viper, Hollywood.  Don’t act like you don’t want one.
  • Sweet callsigns and blatant racism – the black dude was known as “Sundown”
  • Incredibly pro-American propaganda – “keeping up international relations” by giving a bird to a MiG in a negative 4G inverted dive AND blowing up said MiGs at the end.  Absolutely erection-worthy
  • Witty banter, as follows:

Slider: Goose who’s butt did you kiss to get in here anyway?
Goose: The list is long, but distinguished.
Slider: Yeah, well so is my Johnson.


Viper: Good morning, gentlemen, the temperature is 110 degrees.
Wolfman: Holy shit, it’s Viper!
Goose: Viper’s up here, great… oh shit…
Maverick: Great, he’s probably saying, “Holy shit, it’s Maverick and Goose.”
Goose: Yeah, I’m sure he’s saying that.


[watching a video of planes being shot down]
Wolfman: This gives me a hard on.
Hollywood: Don’t tease me.

  • Anthony Edwards as LT (jg) Nick “Goose” Bradshaw – if you don’t like Goose, I will stab you
  • Pre-Scientology Tom Cruise – Tommy was pretty much at his peak when he made this movie
  • F-14 Tomcat – last pure air superiority fighter in the US Navy
  • The line “That’s a negative, Ghost Rider.  The pattern is full”, which my father has used as his answer “no” to every question I ever asked throughout my life
  • Val Kilmer doing that bite-click thing = best movie line ever written in any script ever
  • The volleyball scene with the flexing
  • The “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” scene in the bar
  • Air Boss Johnson saying, repeatedly, “I WANT SOME BUTTS!”
  • The Russians lose in the end, as they should
  • The Top Gun Theme – it’s playing in your head right now
  • “Danger Zone” by Kenny Loggins – there is no way that anyone doesn’t like this song, unless they’re a Communist
  • Kelly McGillis Meg Ryan looking hot
  • Male chauvinism

Top Gun is basically the greatest movie ever.  It should have won every Oscar the year it was made, as well as every Oscar since then.  That is a fact.

Mac10, you deserve an eternity in Hell for neglecting Top Gun.

*Oh, Days of Thunder was noticeably absent from your list, but I don’t hold that one against you.

Posted in Movies, Rants | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Analog Dinosaur

Posted by Voltairrible on July 22, 2008

Analog Dinosaur is afraid of your knowledge

Analog Dinosaur is afraid of your knowledge

For anyone that doesn’t know (and why would you?), Dr. Funke, Mac10, and myself are all college students at the moment.  Yes, we all go to the same school.  And, yes, it’s better than the one you go to.

Currently, I’m the only one unfortunate enough to be taking summer classes, since I don’t have an internship and karma pretty much hates me.

Anyway, I’m in the second session right now, but I took an information management type course earlier this summer.  It was pretty easy, because I’m super internet savvy (90% of the class dealt with TEH INTRAWEBS!).  However, there was one guy in there that I wanted to stab in the back of the head from Day 1, and I eventually named him “Analog Dinosaur.”  He was a middle aged guy, probably slightly older than my dad, and he honestly had no fucking clue what was going on.  At all.  He eventually ended up dropping the course about two weeks into it, but not before I managed to catalogue all the stupid shit he said during class.  Here’s the list:

  • Asked for the origin and definition of the term “end user”
  • Requested the professor detail the difference between the World Wide Web and the Internet for a second time, roughly 5 minutes after we had moved on from the first 30 second explanation
  • Uttered a bedazzled “WOW!” during the first seven seconds of the explanation of the binary system; “Binary is a system of zeroes and ones” blew his fucking mind
  • In the middle of class, pointed out (for no reason at all) that transistors are the reason we were able to land on the moon
  • Pleased with himself that he remembered that 8-bit memory means 256 (2^8), roughly 3 seconds after the professor explained this
  • Noted that, due to physics, our local power company is SELLING US THE SAME ATOMS! OH  NOES!
  • Asked if “thumb drives” dealt with art, because small pictures are called “thumbnails”
  • When the professor remarked that computers may one day surpass the complexity of the human brain, Analog Dinosaur remarked that “mankind probably won’t be around when that happens”
  • Asked what a “stylus” is (yes, as in the little PDA pointer stick)
  • On the topic of security devices, his reaction was basically RETINAL SCANNING = HOLY SHIT
  • When asked what was wrong on a particular powerpoint slide being used, he replied that the pictures were not “balanced”, a la his document design class
  • Asked if it would be good to study the book, the study guides, the chapter summaries, powerpoints, examples, and handouts — EVERYTHING WE’D EVER DONE– to study for the exam

I’m actually proud I didn’t maim him.  Did I mention he was creepy as shit, too?

Posted in Random, Rants | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »


Posted by DrFunke on July 18, 2008

Wudgles\' favorite QB, taking part in Wudgles\' favorite pastime.

Wudgles' favorite QB, taking part in Wudgles' favorite pastime.

I, Dr. Funke, am officially no longer friends with my fellow blogger Wudgles. You may be asking yourself, “Why, Dr. Funke?” Well, poorly conceived literary device, I’ll tell you. Because earlier on this date, July 18, 2008, Wudgles put an evil, Padre fan jinx on my beloved Mets . They lost their bid for their 11th straight win because Wudgles is a faggot of mythically astronomical proportions. And also because John Maine decided to walk in 3 runs in a row, and because the Mets apparently no longer enjoy driving in runners who lead off innings with triples, but clearly that’s all the fault of Wudgles. The Mets looked pretty awful tonight. They kind of looked like, um… the Mets of 3 weeks ago I guess. And all because Wudgles decided that he wanted to ruin the run for them? Why would Wudgles do such a thing? Well, beloved readers, today is your lucky day, because I got a “Sans Morality” exclusive interview with Wudgles, the man himself, so we could all get a little more insight in to why he does the horrible, miserably things he does.

Dr. Funke: Wudgles, nice of you to join me today. How have you been?

Wudgles: Gotta be honest with you on this one Doc, I’ve been pretty exhausted lately. *Looks like he just got out of bad and is horribly hung over. It is 10 PM.*

DF: Oh, really Wudgles? Would you care to share with our readers why that is?

W: Well Doc, my dungeon filled with 8-10 year old sex slaves won’t re-populate itself, will it? So, in order to pick up more young children, mostly boys, I need to meet with Yuri. Yuri, of course, is my favorite boy-sex-slave trafficker. Sadly, he only arranges meetings at my local abandoned warehouse around 4 or 5 AM, so I didn’t get much sleep last night. *Takes 3 pills of E, starts rubbing nipples.*

DF: Wait, you buy young boys as sex slaves? You’re joking right, you can’t possibly be serious?

W: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley. *Laughs to self, puts thumb in own rectum.*

DF: Wudgles, that is horrible and perverted and wrong, why would you do that to young boys?

W: Well give me some credit here Funke, these aren’t just any young boys. These are young Eastern European boys, who have been sold as sex slaves by their family because the rest of the family would’ve starved without the money made from his sale. While many of them are aware of this, it doesn’t alleviate the depression that causes their soul to die, as they suffer cold, depressed, and alone. This, of course, helps me maintain my erection. An erection I can only achieve in the first place by killing a human being. Or by banging a wide variety of farm animals. But I digress. I can see in these young boys’ eyes that their souls are dead and empty, and look deader and emptier every time I successfully force myself upon them. This look, a combination of depression, terror, and utter hopelessness, only makes me more aroused, thus allowing me to have sex with more young boys. *Does line of cocaine off ass of nearby transvestite that he brought for company.*

DF: You are without a doubt the single worst human being to ever exist on the face of this earth. Just one last question, what does any of this have to do with jinxing the Mets?

W: Well Funke, one of the boys was a Mets fan. It’s really the only thing he’s got left that gives him any joy, seeing as I bought him from his family so I could repeatedly have non-consensual sex with him. *Offers me a high-five.*

DF: This is the worst interview ever.

Well. There you have it. That is Wudgles, unabridged and uncensored. That, sick, sick bastard. I hope you, the Sans Morality readers, now have an idea of what it’s like to deal with Wudgles on a regular basis. May God have mercy on his soul. Also, I really hope the Mets don’t lose like 7 games in a row.

Wudgles, trying to get an erection

Wudgles, trying to get an erection

Posted in Rants, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Yankees Fans Are Classy

Posted by DrFunke on July 16, 2008

Derek Jeter is the best of all time. 26 Championships. You won't like me when I'm angry.

Derek Jeter is the best of all time. 26 Championships. You won't like me when I'm angry.

As a Mets fan, I’m made perpetually aware that the Yankees are New York’s favorite team. Not to say the Mets don’t get attention, but they are essentially the equivalent of the Chicago White Sox, only if the Cubs had actually won something. They’ll always be second class citizens. I can’t explain to you how flustering it is to try to explain to someone why Carlos Beltran is better than Melky Cabrera, or how Jose Reyes is simply more effective than Derek Jeter and has a higher career ceiling, to simply have them reply with, “26 world championships, what do you think about that?” I think it’s not relevant, and that you’re a total prick.

To further my case, I’ll cite Yankees fans (and some media members who are the object of my utter hatred) saying the Yankees are “the greatest sports franchise in world history,” and that Yankees Stadium is “the greatest stadium in the world.” It’s probably worth noting that they say this while ignoring all other major sports, and especially while ignoring the rest of the world. For example, to use a world sport, Real Madrid, a Spanish soccer club, has won 31 domestic league titles (World Series equivalent, basically), a European record 9 Champions League titles, and 58 total trophies. Like the Yankees, they’ve had some of the best players of all time put on their organization’s jersey, the most recent example Zinedine Zidane of awesome head-butt fame, who is widely considered one of the 3 best soccer players ever along with Pele and Maradona.

Or how about a North American sport? Like hockey, and the Montreal Canadiens. The Canadiens have won 24 Stanley Cups, which is the best trophy in sports by a long shot as far as tradition and the players’ respect for it goes (An NHL player will under no circumstances touch the Stanley Cup, ever, unless he has won it. This avoids NBA Finals-style commercials of Paul Pierce and Kobe jerking off all over the trophy.). Their 24 cups have been won since 1916, which means they have won 35% of every NHL Championship that has ever been played, which is ahead of the Yankees success rate of 25% of championships won. And, comparatively, the Canadiens have a more important legacy of legendary hockey players. They have had three of the best four goalies ever (Patrick Roy, Ken Dryden, Jacques Plante), possibly the single most talented pure scorer in NHL history (Maurice Richard), and enough other truly great players to fill up about half a roster of an all-century NHL team. The Yanks had the Babe and the Mick and DiMaggio, but no team has a more rich history of players than the Canadiens do. Speaking of history, Canadiens fans almost got the province of Quebec to declare independence from the rest of Canada after starting an actual revolution when Maurice Richard was suspended from the Stanley Cup. They only stopped because Richard went on TV and radio and the papers and told them to stop what they were doing. But hey, Yankees fans got really upset when Joe Torre left! (Also, if you say hockey’s not a sport, you’re a complete dickhead. People bitch and moan constantly about how players in football and basketball take plays off and don’t try hard or respect the game, and how they are too hard to relate to because, unlike NFL players, less than 85% of normal people are felons. But people don’t watch hockey because there’s not enough scoring? In the NHL this year, the average game had approximately 5 goals between both teams. That’s basically a 21-14 football game. Unless of course you live and die for field goals, then I can understand your preference of an NFL with maybe 3 or 4 good teams and only 2 real contenders to an NHL where every season ends up with minimum 5 teams that have the talent win the Cup. Finally, if you tell me you can’t see the puck, watch 1 NHL game in HD. Just 1. You can see perfectly, and you don’t sound like a tard when you say “I don’t ever know where the puck is lol.” If you still present the TV argument, go see a game live. It’s the best sport to be at live, in contention with maybe boxing and college basketball.)

Obviously the Yankees have the best franchise in baseball history, but what really eats at me is when Yankees fans claim to be the best fans in sports. Now I’m going to ignore the fact that at the barest of bare minimums, 50% of Yankees fans are Fairweather Johnson’s and front-runners who are truly clueless about the game of baseball. What I won’t ignore is 2 years ago when A-Rod, coming off an MVP season, hit something like 35 HR’s and 120 RBI’s while batting barely below .300, and spent the whole season being booed at home and having newspaper headlines printed about how terrible he was. Fun fact: that year, Justin Morneau won the MVP with 24 HR’s, 130 something RBI’s while batting around .325. But A-Rod gets booed? That makes sense.

Part of that comes from Yankees fans sense of entitlement, which is the single most annoying, pathetic thing a sports fan base can collectively feel. Why did Boston fans become so unlikable over the last few years? Because after the Sox broke “The Curse,” and the Pats turned into a dynasty, and the C’s recently won again, they took on a sense of entitlement. They talked and wrote about how they “deserved it.” In any other aspect of life, if you sit your ass on a couch watching TV or reading the papers waiting for something good to happen to you, you don’t deserve shit because you haven’t done anything. Being a sports fan is no different, because A.) you sit on your ass watching games on TV and reading the papers not doing shit, and B.) aside from the rare games when a crowd can shift momentum, fans have absolute zero effect on the outcome of a team’s season. Just because you watched a lot of games for a few years doesn’t mean you earned something your team won. The team did, you were just fortunate to be around for it.

Where am I going with this? Good question, because I don’t remember. But I do remember that the collective sense of entitlement felt by “Yankees Nation” (shoot me) finally made me reach my boiling point when Billy Wagner came to the Mets, and the “controversy” about the use of closer theme songs started. If you don’t already know, both Wagner and Mariano Rivera use Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” as an entrance song. This should not have been a big deal, but, instead, Yankees fans got their panties all in a bunch, and started getting as upset as they’ve ever been because Wagner and Rivera were using the same song. How dare Wagner use the same song as the greatest post-season closer of all time? (Also, stop fucking calling him the greatest post-season closer of all time. If he’s so great, then why was he on the wrong side of one of the biggest upsets in World Series history in 2001, and the wrong side of the single biggest choke in baseball history against the Red Sox in 2004? Can someone explain that to me without saying “26 world championships” and making me punch them in the face?) Did it matter to them that 1.) Mariano didn’t pick the song himself, Yankees Stadium employees did, and he hadn’t even heard it until they played if for him? Or, 2.) that Wagner had loved the song since it came out and had been using it for a couple years before Mariano started using it? No, of course it didn’t matter, because that would’ve made sense. I truly hated Yankees fans already.

Now, since Yankees fans have to have everything, that means their rivalry with the Red Sox has to be the best in sports. Even if it’s like a brutally violent big brother vs. little brother relationship, with the oldest brother being a 25 year old MMA fighter and the little brother being a 12 year old autistic kid. I get it they compete for division titles year in and year out blah blah blah, fans hate each other even though the players have gone on record saying they don’t really give a shit about the rivalry, stupidity ensues. I understand booing players from opposing teams, especially “rivals,” but eventually you’d think there’s a point where it stops, right? Not for Yankees fans, who threatened to literally murder Sox closer Jon Papelbon’s pregnant wife during the all-star parade in NYC. reported that during a red carpet parade for the All-Star Game that went down Sixth Avenue in Manhattan, Papelbon and his wife Ashley were bombarded by insults from fans.

“I feel like I needed to be in a bullet-proof car,” Papelbon said, according to the Web site. “My wife is pregnant and she’s getting her life threatened. It’s stupid.”

The reason for this? Papelbon said he would like to close out the game if given the opportunity. Not that he should, or that Mariano shouldn’t, but that he’d like to. Of course he’d like to, he’s a pro athlete with a competitive streak. As a semi-professional masturbator, I’d like to flog my dolphin to pictures (Video is also an acceptable medium) of a nude Megan Fox if she’d be generous enough to provide me with such materials. But unlike myself, Papelbon knew he wouldn’t be presented with the opportunity, he was merely expressing his desire to pitch on the biggest baseball stage you can possibly be on in the middle of July. This should be beyond understandable, granted the only criteria for being a Yanks fan is to stop watching games if the team isn’t in 1st place, having a chinstrap beard, taking steroids so you can get really huge but start wearing smaller shirts, using excessing amounts of hair-gel, having a terrible fake orange tan, and calling everyone “douchebag,” but you would think maybe have a little class? Honestly, if you are a Yankees fan, be ashamed. Threatening a pregnant woman for marrying a closer who would like to pitch in an important situation? The Yankees are the best organization in baseball history without a doubt, but at this point, its fans are no better than a total fucking disgrace.

Posted in Rants, Sports | Tagged: , , , , , | 2 Comments »

If you drink Diet Coke, you are a terrorist

Posted by Voltairrible on July 10, 2008

I’m not even fucking kidding on how much I hate Diet Coke.  Honestly, why the fuck would you drink something laden with sugar and caffine if you were going to get the “diet” style.  That’s about as asinine as getting a hooker but telling her you just want a handjob. Not only is it proven that only teenage girls and fags like Diet Coke (don’t even get me started on Coke Zero), it has now come to light that Diet Coke is, in fact, anti-American.

In this story from the British rag The Daily Mail, it turns out the leader of Al-Queda in Europe drinks that Communist propoganda sugar water bullshit.

Despite being under virtual house arrest, the cleric appeared relaxed as he walked to nearby shops occasionally stroking his bushy, greying beard.

At one stage, he shared a joke with a woman about his brown prayer beads, laughing and then beaming after her comments.

Later, they were replaced in his right hand by a six-pack of Diet Coke bottles while under his left arm he clutched a bumper-pack of toilet rolls.

There you have it. Not only are those British pansies letting him walk around after being convicted of blowing up innocent Brits and their horrendous teeth, they’re paying him. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? The man is arguably the most dangerous man in England, and you’re fucking paying him? And what, pray tell, is he spending his money on? Diet Coke.

Basically, what I’m saying is: If you drink Diet Coke, fuck you.

Posted in Rants | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »