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Best College Basketball Program of this Decade (2000-2009)

Posted by Mac10 on July 27, 2009

Sorry for the month long delay between posts, but I will make up for it with the best researched post in the history of this blog. This is a list of the best college basketball programs of this decade (2000-2009).

The point structure:

2 points for every NCAA Tourney appearance

5 points for every regular season conference title

5 points for every conference tourney title

5 points for every Sweet 16 appearance

10 points for every Elite 8 appearance

20 points for every Final 4 appearance

30 points for every Finals appearance

50 points for every National Championship

(The tourney points are cumulative ex. 2009 UNC team won 117 points for its tourney run and 2009 MSU won 67)

20. Xavier (91)

A very consistent team throughout the decade that has taken advantage of a weakened A-10 with 5 regular season conference titles. They have made the NCAAs 8 times in 10 years, but have only advanced to the Sweet 16 3 times. They are 2-1 once they get to the Sweet 16, but failed to make a Final 4. It will be interesting to see if they keep this up if they continue to lose good young coaches (Thad Matta, Sean Miller).

19. Kentucky (93)

A very down decade for one of college basketball’s premier programs. Tubby Smith got them to the tourney every year, but only made 2 Elite 8s and no Final 4s. Billy Gillespie missed the tourney in his 2nd year and was quickly escorted from the state. Look for them to take back their rightful place among the game’s elite with great recruiter/probable cheater John Calipari at the helm.

18. Wisconsin (100)

Consistent and consistently boring, Wisconsin made the tourney every year. They only had 2 regular season conference titles and 2 conference tourney titles, but they were helped by 2 Elite 8 appearances and a surprising Final Four run in 2000 as a 8 seed.

17. Oklahoma (103)

I am still bitter at Oklahoma for not winning it all when I picked them as my dark horse in the Hollis Price year. Anyway, they haven’t been great in conference play (1 reg season, 3 conf tourney), but they have taken advantage of good tourney runs by going 3-0 in Sweet 16 games and advancing to one Final Four.

16. Louisville (104)

They have come on strong with two straight Elite 8 appearances after a weak start to the decade. Expect to see them near the top all next decade with Rick Pitino constantly bringing in talented athletes with questionable motors and basketball IQs.

15. Texas (105)

Texas has been helped by its consistency and ability to play up to its seed by making the tourney every year and advancing to 5 Sweet 16s. Once you make it to the second weekend, though, coaching usually matters, thus explaining why Texas has only made it to 1 Final Four.

14. Ohio St. (107)

They only made it to the tourney 6 times. They only made 1 Sweet 16. Still, they are #14 because they did really well in their conference (4 reg season, 2 conf tourney) and turned that Sweet 16 appearance into a Finals appearance. They will probably be higher next decade if Thad Matta can ever get a big guy to stay longer than one year.

13. Gonzaga (125)

Playing the WCC does have its advantages (9 reg season, 8 conf tourney), but the lack of NCAA success keeps Gonzaga out of the top 10. Gonzaga does have 4 Sweet 16 appearances and should have an Elite 8 appearance if JP Batista was strong with the ball, but look for them to be a dark horse next year now that team cancer Austin Daye is gone.

12. Illinois (126)

(Note: I am a Jazz fan) Deron Williams is so awesome. That game against Arizona in the Elite 8 when they were down 15 and he simply refused to lose is probably my favorite NCAA tourney game. Anyway, they have been solid the rest of the decade, but Bruce Weber needs to recruit better players than Jeffrey Jordan if they want to get back to this level.

11. Arizona (145)

Is there anybody out there who likes Arizona? The way Lute Olsen handled his retirement was pretty despicable and unfair to nice guy/Hoop Dreams guest star Kevin O’Neill. They benefited from making the tourney every year as well as making it to the 2001 championship game.

10. Memphis (157)

They would be #6 if only they learned, like I did as a youth basketball player, that you have got to make your easys. And not give them easys, of course. Alas, brilliant scholar Derrick Rose couldn’t make his FTs and they are #10. They took advantage of C-USA once all the other big boy schools left (the last 4 reg season and conf tourney titles) and have made it to 3 out of the last 4 Elite 8s. Also, thanks for ruining my bracket by losing to Missouri. Tyreke Evans, why hast thou forsaken me?

9. Syracuse (169)

Winning a title sure will ease the pain of missing 3 NCAAs this decade. While they have made 5 Sweet 16s, their title run in 2003 was their only foray into the Elite 8. They have also done decently well in the rugged Big East with 2 reg season and 2 conf tourney titles. They also have one of my favorite players of the decade in G-Mac.

8. Maryland (176)

Much like Syracuse, they would have no business in the Top 10 except for their 2002 title.  They missed the NCAAs 3 times, they only won 1 reg season and 1 conf tourney title,  and they only made the Sweet 16 3 times. Still, they turned those 3 Sweet 16 appearances into 2 Final Fours and managed to regroup in 2002 after choking away the Finals to Duke in 2001.

7. UCLA (201)

They really haven’t done as well as I thought in the Pac-10 (3 reg season and 2 conf tourney titles), but their 3 straight Final Four appearances make them a very worthy Top 10 entry. They still can’t get that elusive national championship as the curse of Steve Lavin lives on.

6. UConn (231)

Just a very solid resume for UConn this decade. 1 Title, 2 total Final Four appearances, 4 Elite 8s, and 4 reg season titles. Looks like Jim Calhoun earns every dime. Also, they are probably a bunch of paid cheaters who are coached by a complete asshole, but that’s just my opinion. And Rudy Gay is the softest player* in college basketball history.

5. Duke (255)

No matter how I messed with the numbers, I couldn’t keep Duke out of the top 5. I ran some of the numbers for the 90s and Duke blows everybody out of the water so it’s nice to see them fall this far. The recent tourney failures has shown that Duke no longer has elite talent and Coach K might want to spend a little less time on Team USA and more time telling John Wall that Durham homes are much easier to break into than Lexington homes (more homeowners have shotguns in Lexington).

4. MSU (310)

I am required by law to mention blue collar worker and rebounding when I talk about MSU. Now that the legal requirements are out of the way, it’s safe to say Tom Izzo is a pretty great tourney coach. They have made 6 Sweet 16s which led to 5 Elite 8s which led to 4 Final 4s. That is a sign of great coaching. Also, a sign of blue collar workers and great rebounding.

3. Kansas (325)

Is Bill Self a good coach? The question has tormented me. Unquestionably, he is a great recruiter. On the sidelines, though, I think I could have done a better job than him in the 2008 tourney. How a team that talented almost lost to Davidson, I’ll never know. They have dominated the Big XII (7 reg season and 3 conf tourney titles) and have 7 Sweet 16 appearances and 5 Elite 8 showings to go along with 3 Final 4s.

2. UF (336)

Outside of 2000, 2006, and 2007, this is a not a good program. Winning 2 titles and making another Finals appearance, though, will put you in the top 2. They actually only have 1 regular season conference title. I still don’t think Donovan is a very good coach. He had one fluky run in 2000 that should have ended in the first round to Butler, and a great recruiting class that led to 2 titles. Much more representative of his coaching skills are his losses to Manhattan and Creighton in the 1st round as well as the last 2 NIT teams.

1. UNC (366)

Philosophical question: If no one else was on the court, could Tyler Hansbrough still draw a foul? I say yes. He is simply that good. Not only is UNC the best program of the decade, they also have the best team of the decade (2009). For those of you who point out the 2007 Gators, I need only point out the Taurean Green-Ty Lawson matchup and you will be silenced. The Heels have 5 reg season conf titles, but only 2 conf tourney titles (because Roy knows when to keep his players fresh. He is so wise.) They have far and away my favorite player of the decade, Rashad McCants (who is inspiring my tattoos on both arms: “Born to be Hated” on one and “Dyin to be Loved” on the other). They have 4 Final 4s with 2 titles and one year we don’t talk about (thanks for the turnovers, Brian Morrison). They also completely owned Duke recently, and that should make everyone happy.

*Except for Austin Daye

The rest of the top 50 after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Posted in Sports, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , | 7 Comments »

Bobby Gee is an F’n Genius

Posted by DrFunke on June 22, 2009

Readers, now that we’ve officially become a baseball/steroids blog, it’s time that I bring something to your attention. If you’ve been reading the comments on our last few articles, then I have 2 questions for you. 1: How much free time do you have exactly? 2: Have you realized, like Mac 10 and me, that Bobby Gee is the first person to figure out the steroid problem?

Bobby commented on my last post, and unleashed his epic theory upon the world. His words:

bobbygee said
June 20, 2009 at 10:44 am

Not in this lifetime. Baseball was different back then. It’s a sign of our times… It’s all spiritual.. Without God watch the mess unfold before our eyes.

OH. MY. GOD. I had to read it twice, but I figured out what Bobby was saying. Obviously, I immediately begged Bobby to answer more of my questions, for I am merely a sheep in his flock.

DrFunke said
June 20, 2009 at 3:17 pm

Bobby what are you, drunk? That comment makes absolutely no sense. If I understand properly, which I’m sure I don’t because that would be impossible to do, you’re saying that Jesus used to play baseball? And that he didn’t do steroids? And the Jews are responsible for starting steroids because they don’t believe in Jesus? That’s what I took from your comment. And no, I’m not checking your blog.

Bobby Gee knew all along that it was the Jews who started the steroid problem in baseball, and Bobby Gee developed this theory. Mac 10 and I were both shaken to our cores and, dare I say, we came the closest we ever will to feeling like sheeple. We thought we knew about the tricks of the Jews and their attempts to start a New World Order by using Obama as a puppet and suppressing the greatness of Sir Nick Cage. It hurt my pride to beg him for more answers, but as you can see, I did so graciously. It was at this point that Mac 10 entered the conversation, and using my findings and the teachings of the almighty Bobby Gee, he found further evidence blaming the Jews for steroids in baseball.

Mac10 said
June 20, 2009 at 9:13 pm

Bobby obviously is not a sheeple. He understands the Jews were responsible for introducing steroids to baseball. Let’s review the facts:

Shawn Green was drafted by the Blue Jays in 1991.
Steroids were introduced into baseball in 1992.

I think it’s obvious that Shawn Green is a Jewish infiltrator who is a part of the MSM plot to bring down Major League baseball.

Shawn Green, the bastard who single-handedly ruined the Mets 2006 run to the ALCS and then orchestrated 2007’s choke-a-palooza, was the one who started it all. In review, Bobby Gee, the creator of this theory and noted hater of all things Jewish, discovered the following: Jesus was sent down to play baseball by God in order to prevent other players from using steroids. It is also worth noting that Jesus, while not a power hitter, hit for excellent average. Frankly, it’s hard to be powerful when you’re wandering around the desert for 40 days and 40 nights without eating and shit. Also, the fact that he spent all this time in the desert leads me to believe he played in Arizona. After Jesus left the league the Jews put their plot into play, creating Shawn Green in a lab and preparing him to ruin baseball and the lives of many Mets fans. The Jews simultaneously created steroids in preparation for the execution of the plan. Using the MSM, which they control, they turned everyone into a sheeple, leaving us blind to steroid use in baseball until it was too late. But thanks to Bobby Gee, who created this theory blaming the Jews for all of baseball’s problems, all baseball fans can see clearly and move forward from this era.

Thank you Bobby Gee. You have saved us all. But I’m still not going to check out your blog.

An artist's sketch of Bobby Gee.

An artist's sketch of Bobby Gee.

Posted in Sports | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »

Can We Stop Talking About Steroids Please?

Posted by DrFunke on June 19, 2009

I’ve pretty much had it at this point. The steroid controversy in baseball has been back in the news after the leaking of Sammy Sosa’s name from a 2003 list of MLB players who tested positive for steroids. Basically there are only 2 justifiable reactions to this news:

1. Didn’t we pretty much already know this like 10 years ago? Why is this surprising?
2. This whole story is just some kind of conspiracy by the Jews or something.

When the first stories about star players and steroids broke a few years back, I felt like every other baseball fan: betrayed, cheated, fooled, all that fun stuff. Moments that I associated with joy and greatness, like the ’98 home run race, all felt cheapened. (Quick aside though: McGwire was taking Andro. Andro was over the counter and legal in MLB at the time. Why does McGwire get killed for doing something legal? But hey, why think about that when we can all just pretend to be outraged?) Legendary games like the Aaron Boone game (Game 7, 2003 ALCS, Yanks vs. Sox) where he hit the extra innings walk off homer felt ruined, because (and no one remembers this) Jason Giambi, who was juicing at the time, hit 2 huge home runs to get the game to extras in the first place. Folk heroes turned into pariahs, giving us our own class of modern day Pete Roses. Happy memories turned sour, kind of like finding out 6 months after a break up that your ex was cheating on you. At first, it was sad.

But now I don’t give a shit, and frankly I don’t see any reason anyone should. One reason that people lash out at juicers so much is because they broke records that were set by guys who were clean in a past era. There’s a famous picture of Barry Bonds running to the outfield after the whole steroid controversy broke out that shows a group of fans in the section behind him holding a sign that says “Ruth did it on beer & hot dogs.” (Not pictured: the sign extended to say “and Hank did it with class. How did you do it?”)

bonds

At the time, these fans got praised by other fans and by the media for their criticism of Bonds. It was witty, and it had a hint of truth to it. But it also left out one of the most important details: Ruth didn’t have to do it against black or Hispanic players. He also didn’t do it against pitchers who could throw as hard as most pitchers have to be able to throw now just to make it to the league in the first place. So sure, he did steroids, but he also faced guys like Randy Johnson and Pedro Martinez who probably would’ve made the Babe shit his pants in the batter’s box. And just because Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in the 40’s doesn’t mean black and Hispanic dudes showed up all over the league right away. It took time. (Fun aside: When the Brooklyn Dodgers manager, Leo Durocher, decided Robinson was joining the major league roster, he said this to his team: “I do not care if the guy is yellow or black, or if he has stripes like a fuckin’ zebra. I’m the manager of this team, and I say he plays.” How bad ass is that?)

Bob Gibson had the greatest season ever by a starting pitcher in the late 60’s because the mound was 10 inches higher than it is now, giving him more leverage and letting him generate more power than any hitter could handle. The next season, they lowered the mound to its now standard height and no one, including Gibson, could even sniff the records he set with the higher mound.

Hank Aaron set his record because he was a great hitter who was blessed with durability and the ability to sustain a long career while playing at a consistently high level. But his home run record might’ve only had a chance to exist because MLB didn’t allow Josh Gibson to play in the league because he was black. Gibson was known as the “black Babe Ruth,” and according to Wikipedia some people thought he was great enough that they called Babe Ruth the “white Josh Gibson.” He hit a staggering amount of home runs in Negro League games and in other assorted leagues, but no stats were kept. It pretty much comes down to guesses and estimates, but some have speculated he hit over 800 career homers. And oh yeah, this was all before he turned 33 and went into a coma because he had a brain tumor. I’m sorry, but Hank’s record was not as pure and sacred as we all made it out to be when all along there was a guy stuck in the Negro Leagues hitting 800 homers with a FUCKING BRAIN TUMOR.

Another thing that blows my mind. Starting about 50 years ago (maybe even earlier), amphetamines started to become popular among ball players. One point people always make about steroids is that they can make you stronger but they can’t make you hit the ball. Conversely, amphetamines didn’t make you stronger but increased your focus, energy, and reaction time. Which is to say, they made you hit the ball better. When he retired, Tony Gwynn gave an interview in which he said he thought over 50% of professional baseball players regularly took amphetamines before games, and an even higher percentage at least dabbled in amphetamine use. Why does this never get brought up? If Gwynn was right and 50% of guys did it before every game, then why are steroids such a huge controversy and amphetamines never get mentioned?

So rip steroid users. If they deserve to get criticized for anything, it’s because of the suspicions their use has now cast on all players. Clean players who perform at a high level are now just assumed to be steroid users by most. Think about this whole Raul Ibanez thing that just happened. Roy Oswalt gave an interview once where he talked about the problems of steroid use, and not once did he mention the sanctity of all-time records. He said the problems were that users ruined the reputations of clean guys, and they also effected the well-being of other players. If a user had a big season because of steroids then got a huge contract, that takes away from the money clean guys could be making. If a guy breaks into the majors because he took steroids and got a little extra power, then what about the guys who never get their shot in the majors because they chose not to juice? They get condemned to a life of bus rides and shitty salaries because they made the proper decision. Oswalt’s interview was interesting because it showed that the fans and the media were focusing their outrage in all the wrong places. People get all worked up about records and sanctity and blah blah blah, and they pretend to care about the disrespect to other players. But think about this: when was the last time you read an article on ESPN or wherever that discussed guys who weren’t given there fair shot because they stayed clean? Never. (Same goes for football. Guy gets caught juicing, no one gives a shit. Think about Shawne Merriman. He makes his money because he’s unnaturally big and fast and strong. Why is he that way? Because he’s juicing. Furthermore, his job is to find a way to get to the QB unnoticed and hit him as hard as possible. Why is it okay and forgotten that he took steroids? He could’ve literally killed a person already just because of the nature of his position, how is it even moderately excusable that he made it even more dangerous by taking HGH? I think it’s because the average IQ of the NFL fan is in Paris Hilton territory.)

So from now on, when you talk about baseball and steroids, use your head. Don’t just do the Skip Bayless, get angry, yell, then assume you’re right because apparently if you’re yelling your arguments are infallible. Think about what’s really wrong with steroid use, think about whether it really matters or not, and then then start your arguments. Otherwise you’re just going to sound annoying, like a Cubs fan who talks about how hard it’s been rooting for a team that hasn’t won in 100 years even though they’re only like 20 years old, but also always talks about how it’s their year even though their horribly un-clutch line-up is the same as last year except for the loss of one of their best players (Mark DeRosa) and the addition of a player who is about as sane as Charles Manson (Milton Bradley).

One last thing: don’t give up on baseball. Despite the flaws it’s always had, it’s a beautiful sport that just isn’t comparable to anything else. Thinking about steroid users and cheaters and even the flaws of old legends is depressing. But sometimes, baseball moments can be amazing enough to transcend the sport itself. I’m a Mets fan. I’ve never seen them win a championship, and I’m skeptical of the idea that I ever will at this rate. But regardless, I’ve never been a part of a better sports moment than the Mets first game after 9/11. Where I’m from, everyone was directly affected by this. For 2 weeks, you could see the smoke and debris rising from ground zero from my front yard. It was impossible to escape the thought of it, and it didn’t help that everything, TV, sports, news, whatever, had all shut down. But finally, it came back. The Mets played the Braves on the first game back. All the emotion and energy that everyone had in those few weeks off was pent up, and you could feel it during the game. The fans in the stadium were ready to explode; I was watching with a lot of my extended family on TV, and the tension from the game was palpable even there. The Mets were down 1 run late in the game, I want to say the 8th inning, and Mike Piazza and his fantastic hair cut came up to the plate andblasted a 2-run homer to put the Mets ahead for good. People lost their minds. At Shea, cheering was so loud that our TV’s speakers nearly blew out and the TV cameras were shaking from all the vibration. Fans were cheeing and hugging, guys from the NYPD and FDNY, some of the world’s bravest men, were crying like babies, and some other fans were too. Regardless of the cheating and the scandals that we now know were happening in the game at the time, that moment will always be bigger than baseball to any Mets fan with a memory.

Those moments are why I watch baseball, and I know I’m not alone. I’ll slog through hours of boring ass games every summer just to make sure I don’t miss that one moment, when it’s about more than the game. Steroids are just a story line, and a temporary one at that. Even if it is a little disturbing, we can’t let it ruin a game that means this much to so many people. Sorry this was long as hell.

Also, Mac 10 – the annoying Cubs fan from like 3 paragraphs ago was only 50% derived from you.

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Sammy Sosa is Clean

Posted by Mac10 on June 17, 2009

This whole Sammy is on the PED-list is a conspiracy by the MSM to try to ensure the HR record is held by a white man (Roger Maris). Since everyone knows that Bonds and McGwire are juicers, all reasonable people acknowledge that Sammy is the true holder of the single season HR record. For the powers that be (read: MSM), this cherished record being held by a black Dominican player is unacceptable. Thus, some mysterious lawyers pop up out of the blue to claim that Sammy is on the list, but please don’t quote me as a source. This story was broken by the New York Times. Do you know what Times stands for? The Information Must be Edited for Sheeple. I will not rest until I discover the truth about this list and reveal it to the world. And then I will not rest until a movie is made about my quest for truth starring Sir Nicolas Cage. The tagline will be “One man’s quest not to be a sheeple.”

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I’m Tired

Posted by Mac10 on June 2, 2009

Let me channel my inner Mike Valenti for a second.

I’m tired of watching the Cubs bullpen pull this shit year after year, game after game.

I’m tired of watching Soriano and Lee stroke leadoff HRs and HRs with 4 run leads, then flail at bad pitches when we need them late in close games.

I’m  tired of watching Michah Hoffpauir and Jake Fox, two guys who can absolutely rake, sit on the bench while Milton Bradley trots his injury-prone, no-hitting ass out to right field.

I’m tired of Randy Wells doing everything possible to get his first major league win, like almost throwing a fucking no-hitter, only to see Carlos “Where has my command gone?” Marmol and Kevin “There’s a reason even the fucking Marlins didn’t want me” Gregg blow the game AGAIN.

I’m tired of seeing Aaron Heilman on the mound cuz I know there isn’t a point to watch the game anymore. He is a poor man’s Bob Howry, which is the worst insult I can think of for a reliever.

I’m tired of seeing Alfonso Soriano play in the left field corner when there is a man on 2nd in the bottom of the 12th. You know you have a good arm right? You are allowed to throw it home to possibly get the guy out, you fuckin dumbass.

I’m tired of seeing Mark Derosa and Kerry Wood on the Indians. The Cubs should never have let those guys go to free up money for Milton. Great fuckin play Hendry.

I’m tired of watching Lou just sit there as the bullpen implodes again and again. Just kill one of them, Lou. No jury in Chicago would convict you. Then they might actually throw some fucking strikes.

I’m tired of our refusal to ever steal a base in extras. Have you ever heard of scoring position? It’s an 0-2 count on Lee with Fukudome on 1st. Even if Fukudome gets thrown out, Lee leads off the next inning. Plus, maybe Fukudome stealing will cause Lee to lay off that outside slider that he always misses. Always.

I’m tired of Zambrano acting like a fucking baby all the time. Grow the fuck up and act like the ace that we are paying you to be.

I’m tired of knowing that I’m going to watch tomorrow’s game with some fresh optimism that maybe we will turn it around. God being a Cubs fan is fucking tiring.

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Why You Should Watch the NHL Playoffs

Posted by DrFunke on May 10, 2009

This will be my one post about hockey (probably), because pretty much no one seems to give a shit about the NHL. I, on the other hand, am a huge hockey fan and do give a shit. Several shits in fact. So I will try my hardest and subsequently fail horribly by giving you, the morally bankrupt and bestiality practicing Sans Morality reader, a few not-so-obvious reasons to tune in and watch some of what has been a pretty amazing chase for the cup so far.

1. The league’s top 3 forwards in one series: Pens vs. Caps. This one is actually pretty obvious, and the series is already at 3-2 Pens. But Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby’s Penguins playing Alexander Ovechkin’s Capitals has been an absolutely ridiculous series. Malkin was the NHL’s top scorer during the regular season, followed by Ovechkin in 2nd and Crosby in 3rd. Crosby is the one of the best technical and all-around players in the league, but Ovechkin is possibly the most dominant athlete playing team sports right now (Blah blah blah LeBron, but watch Ovechkin play before you really make a decision. I’m an NBA fan too, and it’s damn close between who’s more dominating, physically and skillwise). Watching him on the ice when he’s playing against your team is absolutely terrifying. He takes about 10 shots again, and every time you will be absolutely convinced he is going to score. An underrated part of his game is how physical he is; the dude is built like a linebacker at 6’3″ 225 lbs, and he occasionally just destroys people on the ice (generally because most of his hits are pretty illegal, but it’s still hardcore as hell). Probably the best part about watching him, though, is how much you can tell he loves the game. When he scores he doesn’t act like he’s been there before, he loses his goddamn mind and it’s fun every single time. In the NBA, you need to wait for the finals to (maybe) see Kobe vs. LeBron. In the NHL, it’s happening right now, but only if D-Wade was playing too.

As you may have figured, both of these teams are heavy on offensive talent, which means these games are incredibly fun to watch. Pittsburgh has another budding young star in Jordan Staal, cousin to famed Icelandic player Gunnar Stahl. In addition to Ovechkin, the Caps have 2 young players named Nick Backstrom and Alex Semin who finished in the top 20 in scoring in the league, aging but still lethally effective superstar Sergei Federov, and Mike Green, the league’s top scoring defender and a nominee for the league’s best defenseman. They are also starting a rookie goalie, Simeon Varlamov, who is talented but ridiculously unpolished, meaning any game he’s in could be a shutout or he could surrender 5 goals, and there’s no way to know in advance. The absurd thing about this paragraph? Aside from Federov, the oldest player is Alexander Semin, who’s 25. The second oldest is the 23 year-old Ovechkin. But jokes on you fags, I write for a high-profile blog that pays me millions upon millions of dollars per word after beautiful word I publish. You can all suck it, if you know what I mean.*

*(I meant my penis.)

2. A Young Underdog: The Chicago Blackhawks. There are a whole bunch of reasons this team is worth watching, so I’ll try and curb my bandwagon fandom and keep this relatively short. First off, they have Nikolai Khabibulin (that took about 448 tries to spell right) in net. He’s pretty good, but his nickname is “The ‘Bulin Wall,” and that’s fucking awesome. Second, their captain is 21 year-oldJonothan Toews (pronounced “Taves”), and one of their top 3 players is 20 year-old Patrick Kane, who is a FUCKIN’ AMERICAN WHOOOO!!!!! Third, they have a black guy who is listed at 6’4″ and 250, but is actually pushing 270. He is a ridiculously fast and physical skater, and he lays some hits on people that will make you wonder why anyone would ever want to play hockey. He also provides the Hawks with an advantage because Canadians are scared of black people, which I believe is why Chicago is now up 3-2 in games on Vancouver right now. Chicago also has the most comeback wins of any playoff team right now, which makes all their games even more exciting than a Vin Diesel movie (Fast and Furious franchise obviously excluded, Chronicles of Riddick up for debate).

Probably the best reason to watch them play, however, is for the few minutes before their home games start. The Blackhawks secretly have the best national anthem tradition in America. All the fans stay standing and scream at the absolute top of their lungs the entire time. The video I linked to is good, but I haven’t met a single person who has watched the national anthem on live TV and not gotten the chills. Even if you don’t intend on watching the game, tune in about 5 or 10 minutes before game 6 on Monday night. It’s one of the best things happening in sports right now that, for whatever reason, no one seems to know about.

3. Canadian People + Having to Talk on Live TV for a few Hours = Unintentional Comedy. It’s hard to put into words how bad announcing is in hockey. The guys are brutally unfunny (bad joke = 10 seconds of depressingly forced laughter), they rarely say anything that’s insightful, and they say “aboot.” Really the best comparison I could think of is that it’s like watching a 2 and a half hours of the writers from “Tyler Perry’s House of Payne” describe a hockey game. Feel the excitement.

4. The Physicality. Recently, the Lakers and Rockets series has become a big deal because of how physical the play has been. The series that really should be focused for it’s physical nature is Detroit vs. Anaheim. Every game of this has absolutely brutal; after about 3/4 of every play, there is some kind of scrum or altercation between at least 2 players, and generally more like 5 or 6 are involved. Many people asked how the Celtics were supposed to play another series after their wild first round match-up against the Bulls, but if you watch one game of the Wings vs. the Ducks, you’ll wonder how either team will be able to walk onto the bus, let alone play again in 2 days.

5. Intensity. There isn’t a single sport that has a postseason that requires more intensity than the NHL’s. You might think there is, and you would be wrong. In hockey more than any other sport the talent level is so high that you can’t slack off or mess around on any single shift, or else your team will most likely get scored on and it will be your fault. I already talked about the step up in physical play, but the intensity is most evident in the skating and puck possession. Players skate for every lose puck like it’s life or death, and the physical sacrifice they make is enough to make you wonder how well their brains function. Hockey players earn their tough reputation.

Honorable Mention: 1. Those awesome new commercials the NHL managed to not fuck up, unlike everything else it’s ever done. (My personal favorite is this one, Stephane Matteau’s double OT goal in game 7 of the eastern conference finals to send the Rangers to the cup in 1994.) 2. The Detroit Red Wings are one of the 3 most impressive franchises in sports right now. They’ve been one of the league’s top teams for about 15 years, and maintained their success after the lockout and rule changes. I don’t think they’ve ever made a dumb personnel decision. 3. Most teams now play an offensive style that relies on putting the puck to the front of the net and getting in the goalie’s face. This means that pretty much every time a team takes a shot, it feels like a goal might get scored, and I pee a little in my pants. 4. Great goalies: Roberto Luongo is the best of the bunch, Chris Osgood is one of the best playoff winners any team could ask for, the Bulin Wall is involved, Ducks rookie Jonas Hiller has been doing his best impression of a brick wall for most of the playoffs, Tim Thomas vs. Cam Ward is the best goaltending matchup of the playoffs so far, and Marc-Andre Fleury vs. Simeon Varlamov are both pretty shitty to meh. 5. This has nothing to do with the playoffs, but Scott Gomez of the Rangers might give one of the funniest interviews in sports. Watch this, and this to watch him in his element. Any time he has to talk to the TV network’s interviewer between periods, he gives them as much shit as humanly possible, and it’s generally amazing to watch.

So the choice is yours reader. There’s a lot to love about these playoffs, and hopefully I will not the only person in America watching. Also, sorry this is so long.

And this is a celebration for a regular season goal.

And this is a celebration for a regular season goal.

Posted in Sports | 2 Comments »

THE GREATEST NEWS EVER

Posted by Voltairrible on May 7, 2009

This man swears he "didn't know."  What an asshole.

This man swears he "didn't know." What an asshole.

Manny Ramirez, slugger for the subhuman entity known as the Los Angeles Dodgers, has been suspended for 50 games.  Why, you ask?

Because he fucking loves steroids.  Let’s blockquote, shall we?

Ramirez, a baseball source told SI.com, explained to baseball officials he was uncertain he was taking a banned substance and may have had a medical reason for using the substance. After consultation with the Major League Baseball Players Association and his representatives, Ramirez has decided not to challenge the suspension, according to an MLBPA statement.

Translation:  “Yeah, I was taking steroids. The only real thing I can do to try to save face is act like I didn’t know I was taking horse steroids.”  Jackass.  His excuse was that it was a banned performance enhancing drug that was prescribed by his physician without clearance from the MLB front office.  Seriously, what other kind of performance enhancing drug would he be taking?  Meth?

That’d be kinda cool, actually.

Anyway, it’s his entire job to know exactly what he’s putting into his body (which I imagine is a bunch of dicks).  For $25 million a year, you should probably consult the MLB on anything and everything your doctor gives you.  It’s not that goddamn hard, especially since you play a goddamn game for more money than I’ll make in my entire life.  Given the witch hunt (that I completely approve of) in the MLB for people who use performance enhancers of any kind, it’s probably prudent to check on this type of stuff.  That’s just me using logic, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

As a Padres fan, this makes my day.  Ramirez will lost $7.65 Million of his $25 Million salary (that’s 30.6% for you add-wizards out there) and will be able to return on July 3rd.  Until then, I’m hoping the shithole that is LA descends into another round of riots resulting in a sort of genetic purging (people form LA suck).

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An Open Letter to the World, From Michael Phelps

Posted by Voltairrible on August 16, 2008

"SUCK MY DICK, CHINA!"

"SUCK MY DICK, CHINA!"

FUCK YEAH!

I’M THE BEST!  FUCK YOU EVERYONE WHO ISN’T AMERICAN!  YOU ALL SUCK COMPARED TO ME AND MY PENIS, WHICH IS NOW MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF GOLD MEDALS!

YEAH!  I BEAT MARK SPITZ, AND HE HAS A KICKASS MUSTACHE!  WOO-HOO!  GO AMERICA!

USA! USA! USA!

Remember that time everyone was like, “There’s no way he’ll do it, he’s got to swim 17 races against the best in the world.  It’s impossible!”  Oh yeah?  Well, guess what?  I FUCKING DID IT AND THEN I FUCKED YOUR SISTER!  SHE GIVES GOLD MEDAL DOME-PIECE!  TURNS OUT THE “BEST IN THE WORLD” IS AMERICA!  OH, BUT WE ALREADY KNEW THAT!

AMERICA!  FUCK YEAH!

I AM THE GREATEST OF THE GREAT!  I AM UNSTOPPABLE!  I’M GOING TO USE UP ALL OF THE CONDOMS IN OLYMPIC VILLAGE FUCKING THE FINE GERMAN WOMENS!  I WILL CROSS THEIR RHINE, AND BY THAT I MEAN PUT IT IN THEIR POOPERS!  THAT’S RIGHT!  I MAKE HISTORICAL WORLD WAR REFERENCES ABOUT KNOCKING UP GERMAN SLUTES!  HOW CAN I DO THAT?  BECAUSE I’M FUCKING MICHAEL PHELPS AND I FUCK WORLD RECORDS, COMMUNISTS, AND FINE GERMAN WOMENS IN THE BUTTHOLE!

GET USED TO THE “STAR SPANGLED BANNER”, MOTHERFUCKERS!  OH… WHAT’S THAT?  YOU ALREADY HAVE?  THAT’S BECAUSE IT’S MY GODDAMN THEME SONG!  BET IT PISSES YOU OFF THAT ALL YOUR PISSANT NON-AMERICAN WOMEN GET THEIR PANTIES WETTER THAN A MALAYSIAN TSUNAMI WHEN THEY SEE ME AND OL’ GLORY AT THE TOP OF THE MEDAL STAND!

I AM THE OPTIMUS PRIME OF THE OLYMPICS!  MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT ANALOGY MAKES NO SENSE?  FUCK YOU, I’M MICHAEL PHELPS!  I AM THE GREATEST!

I AM THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST WITH THE FLUID DYNAMICS AND GRACE OF A PORPOISE!

I AM THE LUKE SKYWALKER OF FUCKING SWIMMING!  I BRING BALANCE TO THE FORCE, MOTHERFUCKERS!  AND BY BALANCE, I MEAN BANGING.  AND BY FORCE, I MEAN THE WOMEN OF YOUR PATHETIC NON-AMERICAN COUNTRY!  MY MIDI-CHLORIANS ARE OFF THE SCALE, MOTHERFUCKER!  AND BY THAT, I MEAN I RAW-DOG THAT SHIT, BECAUSE I’M FUCKING MICHAEL PHELPS!

USA!  USA!  USA!

WHEN THEY MAKE A MOVIE OF MY LIFE, I HOPE THEY DON’T LEAVE OUT THE PART WHERE I DRINK BEERS AND BANG A PRODIGIOUS AMOUNT OF SLUTS AFTER WINNING FUCKING 8 GOLD MEDALS IN ONE OLYMPICS!

DRINKIN’ BEERS!  BANGIN’ SLUTS!  DRINKIN’ BEERS!  BANGIN’ SLUTS!

REST OF THE WORLD, YOU CAN SUCK MY OBVIOUSLY LARGE PENIS!

USA!  USA!  USA!

-Michael Phelps

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Communism Gets Rare Win Over Capitalism

Posted by Mac10 on August 14, 2008

I’m sorry, I thought this was America. As of right now, the United States of America (home of the brave, land of the free, etc.) is losing the medal count to the no-good, commie pinko Chinamen (edit from Walter: Dude, Chinamen is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please). Not only are we losing the overall medal count, but the red bastard Chinese have doubled our gold totals. Looks like it’s high time to start injecting more ‘roids into our track-and-field athletes for a comeback. Quick Olympic recaps:

Women’s Gymnastics: Alicia Sacramone completely choked on the balance beam and floor exercises to give China the win. You really would expect more out of Johnny Sac’s kid. If it’s any consolation, Alicia, I would still bang you (edit from Alicia: it’s not).

Men’s Basketball: We beat Angola a lot to a little. Wake me up when we get out of group play. If this team loses, though, it’s time to adopt my idea of fielding a team with Americans who all play ball in Europe. At least they understand the international style and rules. Mainly, though, it would be awesome to see former college stars like Blake Stepp and Khalid El-Amin in the Olympics.

Synchronized Diving: Still rigged for the Chinese.

Women’s Swimming: Where have you gone, Amanda Beard? A nation turns its horny eyes to you.

Men’s Beach Volleyball: The nicknames for the American players are The Professor and The Thin Beast. I’m gonna take the high road and avoid the obvious joke about how those are the names of my balls. Instead, I would like to comment on how President Bush gave these guys new nicknames: Toddly (for Todd Rogers) and The Big Guy. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Editor-in-chief of Sans Morality

Editor-in-chief of Sans Morality

Posted in Olympics, Sports | Tagged: , , , , | 3 Comments »

Michael Phelps Amused by Mere Mortals

Posted by Mac10 on August 12, 2008

Bob Costas. Random sports you only care about every four years. The music. Man, I love the Olympics. My cable was fixed yesterday so I finally got to watch some of the events. Here’s a quick recap:

Synchronized diving: If you want your kids to become Olympic athletes, train them in an obscure sport like synchronized diving. There are probably about 5 diving pairs in the country so the competition is not that tough. Also, I love any event that is decided by judges. It’s always fun to point out the fix is in for the home country.

Beach Volleyball: Misty May and Kerri Walsh made quick work of some commie Cuban chicks last night. After that, I changed my shorts.

Misty May is borderline attractive

Misty May is borderline attractive

Swimming: By far, my favorite event. It has all the qualities necessary for good TV: it has exciting finishes, Americans are dominant, and world records are often broken. Also, Michael Phelps’s performance at this Olympics is nothing short of Nicholas Cage-esque.
Men’s Gymnastics: I’m not gay, but this was awesome last night. American Johnathan Horton, the perfect example of the Ugly American and Napoleonic complex, is my new favorite gymnast with his unintentionally hilarious speeches and over the top enthusiasm. Any time a medal is decided by the former 2nd alternate, whom the announcers call “explosively inconsistent,” I’m in. Also, the judges were clearly paid off by the Chinese.

Badminton: I watched the “American” team (comprised of two Asians) defeat the South African team. The melodramatic announcer made this event including the best moment of the Olympics so far when he referred to Howard Bach as the “self-proclaimed bad boy of badminton.”

Indoor Volleyball: Not as sexy as beach volleyball, mainly because it was men this time, but still pretty awesome. The Americans had a player who was about 6’8″ 250 and had been let out of prison to compete in this Olympics. Needless to say, he was my favorite player.

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