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Archive for the ‘True American Heroes’ Category

Hunter S. Motherfucking Thompson

Posted by DrFunke on July 10, 2009

Readers and other assorted hoes, there are few people who represent what this blog stands for better than the late Hunter S. Motherfucking Thompson. You decide which parts of that actually made up his legal name. Anyway, Hunter drank hard liquor, did drugs (our stance is hazy but for the purposes of this post, I’m for it), wrote some amazing goddamn stuff (and that’s only one article), and shot guns at shit like it was nobody’s business.

Other people who are awesome: Conan O’Brien. His humor is nerdy enough to attract my nerd sensibilities, but not quite nerdy enough for me to punch myself in the face for laughing at his jokes. If you’ve learned anything from my writing, then you’re severely lacking in education, common sense, and chromosomes. But that aside, you may have noticed that I have an odd enough sense of humor to enjoy the combination of gunshots, hard liquor, and nerdy jokes all at once. I’m sorry if you’ve read enough things I’ve written to notice this, and I present the link to this video as my apology:


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True American Heroes: Greatest Criminal Charge Ever

Posted by DrFunke on August 15, 2008

A sketch artist's rendition of Adam Hinton.

A sketch artist's rendition of Adam Hinton.

There’s one slight kink that needs to get worked out here. And that would be the fact that this week’s American hero, Adam Hinton, is not American, but British. “But Dr. Funke British people aren’t American LOL,” you say.

“Shut up,” I reply. “I thought this was America. If I say he’s an American hero, then you can just suck it.” Aren’t you glad we worked that one out together?

Listen, I could post things about talented people or people who might actually be our messiah, but fuck that. I’d much rather post about people who do such ridiculous things that they become more than mere mortals. For like 5 minutes anyway.

Like our newly adopted American Adam Hinton, who was banned from being within 100 meters of his girlfriend’s apartment because they had sex so loud that it disturbed the neighbors. Reader, I think you were just like me before I read about Adam. You’d had a career total of approximately six seconds of sexual experience, and had made the logical conclusion that the female clitoris is like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster: it’s real, but we’re not ever going to fucking find it. Adam, on the other hand, seems to have concluded an investigation that lead to the discovery of this “clitoris,” and joyous experiences for his girlfriend’s neighbors ensued.

Residents of Norris’s home had been complaining since 2006 about thumping music, banging headboards and screamed obscenities, Taggart (a city counsil spokesman) said.

Neighbors… were upset that a six-year-old child in the building had been “subjected to the sort of obscenities you wouldn’t want a six-year-old to hear,” the spokesman said.
Norris last week was forced to pay STG300 ($A641) pounds in fines and court costs for breaking the “noise abatement order,” Taggart said.

That. Fucking. Rules. In short, they had such awesome sex that the girlfriend got fined for it, and it’s now illegal for Adam to be within 100 yards (fuck meters, Adam’s an American now) of her apartment. Despite the fact that he could probably be a more satisfying sexual partner from that far away than I could be with a biology textbook and 3 days set aside for the project. To be fair to myself, I’d have to get past my debilitating premature ejaculation problem (Personal record: 1.54 seconds. Metric seconds.), which is usually accompanied by a wind sprint out of the room and hours of tears.

Regardless, there are some things we know about Adam now that we didn’t know before. Like the fact that he most likely wrote this article.

Or how Adam and his lady friend are like an insane combination of cartoon characters, porn stars, and Ray Liotta’s character from Goodfellas. As far as I can tell, they spend their days doing massive amounts of cocaine, blasting techno, and banging the hell out of each other while taking the lord’s name in vain.

There was almost definitely more than one occasion where a neighbor knocked on the door to say something, and he answered the door naked except for a rubber dish-washing glove, a la Tyler Durden.

For the rest of his life, he will have job interviews funnier than any imagination could’ve ever conceived. Essentially, he’ll have a “Disturbing the Peace” charge to explain to the people interviewing him. When he tells the interviewer that he was charged because his girlfriend and he had sex so loud, obscene, and outrageous, that it actually became illegal, do you think he can possibly get that job? Can he possibly not get that job? Does the interviewer offer him a high five? I really think a few of those need to get videotaped.

When the cops were brought in on this, did it go anything like this?

Look at his picture in the article. Nevermind all of the story’s details. I just need to know, how the fuck can someone have a penis haircut like that and still get laid? Especially by a girl who seems to be pretty attractive. But, although I’m not a detective, I feel like the sunbathing naked in the yard of an apartment building may suggest she has flexible morals and keeps her mind open in her sex life. OK, she’s clearly a sloot.

I could do this for pages, so for the sake of my mental health I’ll stop. But Adam Hinton, congratulations on your newly acquired American-hood, and try to enjoy your time in the spotlight. Because I sure am.

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True American Heroes 2: This May’ve Been Illegal

Posted by DrFunke on August 9, 2008

There are moments when you get to thinking, “How dumb are people, exactly?” After reading this article, I had one of those moments. This week’s heroes were inspired by Ben Hawkins, who should be the one whose stupidity is worrying me. Right? Sort of, yes. Let’s re-cap what exactly Mr. Hawkins is in the news for:

A man accused of conning parents into allowing him to be alone with their children to conduct a ”marketing survey” of underwear was indicted Monday on 19 criminal counts involving 11 minors.
He contacted parents by taking out ads in an alternative newspaper and online and by responding to ads for in-home child care, investigators said.

He would meet the families at public places such as schools and hospitals or at the children’s homes, then he would tell parents he needed to be alone with the children for research, prosecutors said.

Police said Hawkins told the children he wanted to measure their underwear and then touched them sexually.

Alright, this is all pretty ‘tarded. Normally I would praise Ben’s enterprising strategies. The only issue there is that these weren’t grown women he was conning into letting him touch their lady parts. In fact it wasn’t all girls either:

The scam was perpetrated on boys and girls between the ages of 9 and 16 over a five-month period starting in March, prosecutors said.

Well then. Even if this had been just like 18 year old high school girls, Ben would’ve been one of the greatest patriots in recent memory. But little boys and girls? That’s just wrong. I only know of one person who would touch little children, and he’s the worst human being I’ve ever known. Listen, pedophilia is disgusting, and is just ahead of raping or hitting a woman as the most cowardly and despicable crime you can commit. (Side-note on rape: To quote Louis C.K., rape is OK if you have a good reason for it. Like you want to fuck someone and they won’t let you.) Ben, you were so close to doing it right, but instead now you’re just a guy who’s going to get his lunch stirred by 6’6″ prison inmates named Bubba every time you shower for the next few years.

“But Dr. Funke, if Ben Hawkins isn’t a hero, then who is?” Good question reader. The heroes here are the parents of the children. When someone abuses a children like Hawkins did, it’s terrible. But here’s my question: what in the name of fuck were these parents thinking? Honestly, consider this. This exchange must have occurred at some point:

44 Year-Old Man: Hello ma’am. Do you have a child between the ages of 9 and 16?

Mom: Why yes sir, I do. A young boy named Tommy.

44YOM: Great! I’m doing research for a marketing company, and I’d love to meet him. The only catch here is that when you meet me in front of a school or in a mall but not definitely not near my office, and remember I’m a man who is 44 and you have never met before in your life, I’m going to need you to leave me alone with your child for a few hours. Um, for research. Remember, I’m a grown man and you’ve never met me before and I have shown you nothing proving I work for the company I claim to work for. This is not a scam, and there’s no way I’m some sort of pedophile.

Mom: … Sounds perfect!

I’m sorry, what dipshit parent would really leave their kid alone with a strange 44 year-old man who has in no way proven he is actually researching something for a company? Though they are from Ohio. Combine these parents with the fact that an angry mob hasn’t publicly executed the Jonas Brothers or The Pussycat Dolls, and I think we can be pretty sure that Western Civilization is in trouble here. How can we save the world from itself? (Hint: Nickelback is heavily involved, and Nick Cage shall be our leader.)

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New Weekly Feature: True American Heroes

Posted by DrFunke on July 28, 2008

This Sunday marks the inauguration of a new weekly segment, celebrating the people who have truly made this country so beautiful to live in. How do I pick from so many different options? Simple. Start at the place where we find the inhabitants of American high brow culture. The Maury Povich Show. And his specials on paternity tests. Lucky for all of you, there are two heroes I’d like to show you today. First, we have Dion.

To start, I’d like to note that the woman in this video is as annoying as she is slutty. Which is to say, very, seeing as this is the 11th paternity test she’s had to find her child’s father. And Dion lets her know it too (“Man, I ain’t the last one. There’s gonna be 12, a 13, a 14, a 15…”) Now this is where Dion’s true greatness reveals itself. When Maury lets him know he’s not the father, he literally falls over in his chair (1:16). Mother crying? Who gives a shit. Fatherless child? No one’s really concerned. And he gets literally infinite extra points for crowd interaction. At full sprint, he high-5’s the entire aisle. But he gets extra credit for his solid dance moves. Why only solid? Because you haven’t seen Andrew yet.

I mean… Jesus. Think about this, long and hard. Has there ever been a better reaction to anything? Ever? I say no. Again, with no concern for the father-less child, Andrew celebrates his single-hood with authority. And with a dance that may have actually been rehearsed beforehand. Now if that’s not good enough, he actually manages to get the crowd dancing with him, while yelling “Hey!” with him too. I actually just got home from a Bruce Springsteen concert. I’m not sure who was more impressive with crowd interaction. I just wish Andrew had 100,000 people to work with. God, I’d love to get onto Maury’s show.

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