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Best College Basketball Program of this Decade (2000-2009)

Posted by Mac10 on July 27, 2009

Sorry for the month long delay between posts, but I will make up for it with the best researched post in the history of this blog. This is a list of the best college basketball programs of this decade (2000-2009).

The point structure:

2 points for every NCAA Tourney appearance

5 points for every regular season conference title

5 points for every conference tourney title

5 points for every Sweet 16 appearance

10 points for every Elite 8 appearance

20 points for every Final 4 appearance

30 points for every Finals appearance

50 points for every National Championship

(The tourney points are cumulative ex. 2009 UNC team won 117 points for its tourney run and 2009 MSU won 67)

20. Xavier (91)

A very consistent team throughout the decade that has taken advantage of a weakened A-10 with 5 regular season conference titles. They have made the NCAAs 8 times in 10 years, but have only advanced to the Sweet 16 3 times. They are 2-1 once they get to the Sweet 16, but failed to make a Final 4. It will be interesting to see if they keep this up if they continue to lose good young coaches (Thad Matta, Sean Miller).

19. Kentucky (93)

A very down decade for one of college basketball’s premier programs. Tubby Smith got them to the tourney every year, but only made 2 Elite 8s and no Final 4s. Billy Gillespie missed the tourney in his 2nd year and was quickly escorted from the state. Look for them to take back their rightful place among the game’s elite with great recruiter/probable cheater John Calipari at the helm.

18. Wisconsin (100)

Consistent and consistently boring, Wisconsin made the tourney every year. They only had 2 regular season conference titles and 2 conference tourney titles, but they were helped by 2 Elite 8 appearances and a surprising Final Four run in 2000 as a 8 seed.

17. Oklahoma (103)

I am still bitter at Oklahoma for not winning it all when I picked them as my dark horse in the Hollis Price year. Anyway, they haven’t been great in conference play (1 reg season, 3 conf tourney), but they have taken advantage of good tourney runs by going 3-0 in Sweet 16 games and advancing to one Final Four.

16. Louisville (104)

They have come on strong with two straight Elite 8 appearances after a weak start to the decade. Expect to see them near the top all next decade with Rick Pitino constantly bringing in talented athletes with questionable motors and basketball IQs.

15. Texas (105)

Texas has been helped by its consistency and ability to play up to its seed by making the tourney every year and advancing to 5 Sweet 16s. Once you make it to the second weekend, though, coaching usually matters, thus explaining why Texas has only made it to 1 Final Four.

14. Ohio St. (107)

They only made it to the tourney 6 times. They only made 1 Sweet 16. Still, they are #14 because they did really well in their conference (4 reg season, 2 conf tourney) and turned that Sweet 16 appearance into a Finals appearance. They will probably be higher next decade if Thad Matta can ever get a big guy to stay longer than one year.

13. Gonzaga (125)

Playing the WCC does have its advantages (9 reg season, 8 conf tourney), but the lack of NCAA success keeps Gonzaga out of the top 10. Gonzaga does have 4 Sweet 16 appearances and should have an Elite 8 appearance if JP Batista was strong with the ball, but look for them to be a dark horse next year now that team cancer Austin Daye is gone.

12. Illinois (126)

(Note: I am a Jazz fan) Deron Williams is so awesome. That game against Arizona in the Elite 8 when they were down 15 and he simply refused to lose is probably my favorite NCAA tourney game. Anyway, they have been solid the rest of the decade, but Bruce Weber needs to recruit better players than Jeffrey Jordan if they want to get back to this level.

11. Arizona (145)

Is there anybody out there who likes Arizona? The way Lute Olsen handled his retirement was pretty despicable and unfair to nice guy/Hoop Dreams guest star Kevin O’Neill. They benefited from making the tourney every year as well as making it to the 2001 championship game.

10. Memphis (157)

They would be #6 if only they learned, like I did as a youth basketball player, that you have got to make your easys. And not give them easys, of course. Alas, brilliant scholar Derrick Rose couldn’t make his FTs and they are #10. They took advantage of C-USA once all the other big boy schools left (the last 4 reg season and conf tourney titles) and have made it to 3 out of the last 4 Elite 8s. Also, thanks for ruining my bracket by losing to Missouri. Tyreke Evans, why hast thou forsaken me?

9. Syracuse (169)

Winning a title sure will ease the pain of missing 3 NCAAs this decade. While they have made 5 Sweet 16s, their title run in 2003 was their only foray into the Elite 8. They have also done decently well in the rugged Big East with 2 reg season and 2 conf tourney titles. They also have one of my favorite players of the decade in G-Mac.

8. Maryland (176)

Much like Syracuse, they would have no business in the Top 10 except for their 2002 title.  They missed the NCAAs 3 times, they only won 1 reg season and 1 conf tourney title,  and they only made the Sweet 16 3 times. Still, they turned those 3 Sweet 16 appearances into 2 Final Fours and managed to regroup in 2002 after choking away the Finals to Duke in 2001.

7. UCLA (201)

They really haven’t done as well as I thought in the Pac-10 (3 reg season and 2 conf tourney titles), but their 3 straight Final Four appearances make them a very worthy Top 10 entry. They still can’t get that elusive national championship as the curse of Steve Lavin lives on.

6. UConn (231)

Just a very solid resume for UConn this decade. 1 Title, 2 total Final Four appearances, 4 Elite 8s, and 4 reg season titles. Looks like Jim Calhoun earns every dime. Also, they are probably a bunch of paid cheaters who are coached by a complete asshole, but that’s just my opinion. And Rudy Gay is the softest player* in college basketball history.

5. Duke (255)

No matter how I messed with the numbers, I couldn’t keep Duke out of the top 5. I ran some of the numbers for the 90s and Duke blows everybody out of the water so it’s nice to see them fall this far. The recent tourney failures has shown that Duke no longer has elite talent and Coach K might want to spend a little less time on Team USA and more time telling John Wall that Durham homes are much easier to break into than Lexington homes (more homeowners have shotguns in Lexington).

4. MSU (310)

I am required by law to mention blue collar worker and rebounding when I talk about MSU. Now that the legal requirements are out of the way, it’s safe to say Tom Izzo is a pretty great tourney coach. They have made 6 Sweet 16s which led to 5 Elite 8s which led to 4 Final 4s. That is a sign of great coaching. Also, a sign of blue collar workers and great rebounding.

3. Kansas (325)

Is Bill Self a good coach? The question has tormented me. Unquestionably, he is a great recruiter. On the sidelines, though, I think I could have done a better job than him in the 2008 tourney. How a team that talented almost lost to Davidson, I’ll never know. They have dominated the Big XII (7 reg season and 3 conf tourney titles) and have 7 Sweet 16 appearances and 5 Elite 8 showings to go along with 3 Final 4s.

2. UF (336)

Outside of 2000, 2006, and 2007, this is a not a good program. Winning 2 titles and making another Finals appearance, though, will put you in the top 2. They actually only have 1 regular season conference title. I still don’t think Donovan is a very good coach. He had one fluky run in 2000 that should have ended in the first round to Butler, and a great recruiting class that led to 2 titles. Much more representative of his coaching skills are his losses to Manhattan and Creighton in the 1st round as well as the last 2 NIT teams.

1. UNC (366)

Philosophical question: If no one else was on the court, could Tyler Hansbrough still draw a foul? I say yes. He is simply that good. Not only is UNC the best program of the decade, they also have the best team of the decade (2009). For those of you who point out the 2007 Gators, I need only point out the Taurean Green-Ty Lawson matchup and you will be silenced. The Heels have 5 reg season conf titles, but only 2 conf tourney titles (because Roy knows when to keep his players fresh. He is so wise.) They have far and away my favorite player of the decade, Rashad McCants (who is inspiring my tattoos on both arms: “Born to be Hated” on one and “Dyin to be Loved” on the other). They have 4 Final 4s with 2 titles and one year we don’t talk about (thanks for the turnovers, Brian Morrison). They also completely owned Duke recently, and that should make everyone happy.

*Except for Austin Daye

The rest of the top 50 after the jump.

Read the rest of this entry »

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Awesome TV Show Review: The 650LB Virgin

Posted by jeanclaudevandangles on July 13, 2009

Now right off the bat I just want to say that while this title is certainly nothing short of awesome, the show actually had some sad parts mixed in the unintentional comedy. The title itself is also somewhat deceptive since the dude is not actually 650 lbs. I would say that a more accurate title would be “The formerly really fat guy who know is a very average weight but who is way too socially awkward to ever get laid”. Anyway, the opening sequence was arguably the best part and it was like a preview for the movie Bruno in that it showed most of the funny parts in the preview and the feature presentation was more disgusting than anything. For example the preview had such wonderful stories like the time when the guy went for a goodnight kiss and ended up missing and kissing the poor girls eye. But then you get to the main show where he talks about how he has no friends because his first friend ever molested him. Awkward, and a real buzz kill. Don’t get me wrong, the show did contain plenty of hilarious moments, but it didn’t always follow the scientific premise that all fat people are jolly. One of my favorite parts when he went to this dating coach to help with his flirting, or as he likes to call it, “Flirt Camp”. While at “Flirt Camp”, his instructor asks him what he would rate himself on a Flirt Scale of 1-10 and his response is “I would rate myself a 5, but ultimately I would like to be a master jedi. Right now I think I’m only at Luke Skywalker level”. Really? Answers like this could perhaps be the reason you have trouble talking to women. Just a thought. At this same camp he was doing a sort of “Flirting Walkthrough” and was trying to seal the deal to get this chicks number. He elected to go with the classic, “How should I get in contact with you? Oh you have a phone? I have a phone too!”. While certainly a textbook line, I would have expected him to come up with something better seeing as he pretty much didn’t leave his house from the ages of 17-30. In all that time, and in all the TV that he most certainly watched, was there really no better line that he saw used? Anyway, the moral of the story is that this guy was a huge morale booster, since his slump is like a million times longer than mine and I am at least a 6 on the flirting scale. In closing, I wanted to point out that at one point he said that the worst thing ever thrown at him in high school was dog poop and that it made him feel a lot like garbage. Interestingly enough dude I don’t think even garbage gets dog poop thrown at it. So, yeah that really sucks…

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Awesome TV Show Review of The Week: 16 and Pregnant

Posted by jeanclaudevandangles on July 8, 2009

So I decided for my first post I would follow the rich tradition already laid out by Dr. Funke: Starting weekly things that won’t necessarily last more than a week. I feel like I watch plenty of awesome TV shows, so what better place to review them then here? For the first installment, I feel that I have chosen an absolute gem, the new MTV reality show, “16 and Pregnant”. Now right off the bat you might wonder, is this one of MTV’s world famous incredibly subtle, creative titles that tell you nothing about the show (see “Is She Really Dating Him”, “Room Raiders, etc”). The answer is surprisingly no, making this show about what the title says: Redneck high school sluts that get knocked up by redneck guys that in general can be older and usually work full time at the local Kentucky Wal-Mart. While the show provides many laughs (most of them completely unintentional), the main focus is the drama of the young adults adjusting to their new life as parents. The drama is the main focus, but I much prefer the intentional comedy. The main problem with the drama is that these chicks play it up way too much. They claim that theyre moody because they’re “pregnant”, but I’m not buying it. I feel like all those bitches do is complain about the most minute details and are just constantly bugging their boyfriends about the most minor shit like “helping out” or “giving a shit about the child”. As a viewer you really find yourself sympathizing with these poor (in every sense of the word) guys who are stuck with these nagging bitches. All they try to do is hang out with their friends and spend $500 on rock band (which was hysterical since that was arguably worth more than the guys house) but the chicks just continue to nag nag nag. I think more so than glorifying teen pregnancy and how awesome unprotected sex is, as I’m sure MTV meant to portray it, this show comes off as rather sad and discouraging. I do not mean this in the sense that the girls have to raise a baby now, but in the sense that the guy did nothing except stick his penis in her and now he can’t hang with his boys or buy awesome video games without getting constantly nagged and yelled at. In closing, I would like to wish those young gentlemen the best of luck and hopefully their stupid girlfriends will get the point as ease up some time in the very near future.

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Top 10 Songs from the 90s

Posted by Mac10 on June 30, 2009

This post is co-written by Jean Claude Van Dangles (His comments in blue)

These songs are in no particular order

I know, I know another list. But my iPod was stolen recently* (most likely by BobbyGee), which deprived the world of the world’s greatest 90s collection. In tribute to my fallen iPod, I consulted with JCVD, a noted 90s music scholar, to compile the top 10 songs that defined the 90s music scene.

*Having been a victim of a theft, I have changed my stance on the death penalty. Before I thought the death penalty was cruel and unusual punishment for people who broke into cars. Now I would like to personally torture and kill the person who broke into my car and stole my iPod. So basically I’ve become Wudgles.

The more I thought about the top 10 songs of the 90’s, the more difficult I realized that this little endeavor of yours really is.  Think about how many different genres that are involved.  You have the Nirvana type stuff that was obviously really big and you can go from that to bands like TLC, Third Eye Blind, and then of course you have all the great rap.  The point is, this is incredibly difficult, but I will nonetheless give you a top 10, from a bunch of various artists.  Bear in mind that I am incredibly biased and that I am also leaving out all rap, since I just find that to be way easier.  Also I am not putting up a band more than once, even if they had more than one 90’s mega-hit.  Finally, I am trying to avoid putting up bands that, while they had big hits in the 90’s, continue to have big hits today.  For example, the Chili Peppers put out Californication in 99, which I thought was fantastic, but that’s to be expected from them though, which is why I tried to avoid artists that are still huge today.

1. Chumbawumba-Tubthumping

JCVD: I feel like this is pretty much a no brainer as it was a massive hit and the band itself, like many others with huge hits in the 90’s, was a one hit wonder that faded into obscurity after Tubthumping was finally deemed overplayed.  This is a song that everyone knows and associates with the 90′, and I would suspect that many people even bought this CD (or at least I would like to think they did because I still have my copy in my room…).  Easy pick.

Mac 10: Agreed that this is a no brainer. Although I was a little perturbed that you called them a one hit wonder when they had another hit “Amnesia.” Perhaps you forgot that song. God, I’m funny.

2. Third Eye Blind- Semi-Charmed Life

JCVD-Perhaps the quintessential 90’s band, they had multiple hits, but I decided to go with Semi-Charmed life out of personal preference.  Any way you look at it, just a great tune that includes lyrics about bumping crystal meth, which makes it oh so 90’s and oh so awesome.

Mac 10: Your assessment of the band and song was spot on. The moment I learned this song was about crystal meth was probably the official end of my childhood.

3. Eve 6- Inside Out

JCVD-This is a definitely not an easy pick, but its a song that I have always had a spot for and the band fits the criteria of not being very big or famous, besides their 2 hits.  The song itself includes such incredible lyrics such as “I think sick like ginger ale”, which is great because I used to drink Ginger Ale when I was sick, so I can relate to what they’re going through.  The lead singer also insults listeners at one point crooning, “I’m not as ugly, sad as you”, which hurts, but hey he’s the rockstar so he would know (as a side note, there is very little chance the lead singer is not working in the fast food industry).

Mac 10: While I personally prefer “Here’s to the Night,” that is more a song you play at high school graduation parties in an attempt to get laid. “Inside Out” is a much better example of what 90s music was.

4. Spin Doctors- Two Princes

JCVD-This one could be my favorite on the list and the Spin Doctors represent all that was great about the 90’s.  They only have one other particularly notable song, “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”, and were essentially a two and done band.  Two Princes is a phenomenal song detailing the relationship between a poor man and a girl, who’s father clearly does not approve of his low social status.  I think this could be where Taylor Swift got the idea for “Love Story”, in which she seeks paternal approval to marry her Romeo.  In any event, just a classic tale of star crossed lovers set to vibrant, upbeat 90’s music? Yes please.

Mac 10: Simply put, a great choice.

5. Hootie & The Blowfish- Only Wanna Be With You

JCVD-Hootie and the Blowfish were huge in the 90’s and I bet Hootie pulled more tail than anyone else on this list except for Eagle-Eye Cherry, who probably pulled in a ton of chicks.  Hootie and the Blowfish had multiple huge hits, but this was my personal favorite and the fact that they faded out is really a shocker.  They released more albums after the 90’s, but did not find anywhere near the level of success of 1994’s  “Cracked Rear View”, which went platinum an astonishing 16 times and even picked up a Grammy.  Lead singer Darius Rucker has now moved into Country music, which I’m not too happy about.  Unfortunately for the Rucker and the rest of the Blowfish, the 90’s held some awesome mystique that they were unable to carry over into the 21st century.

Mac 10: Obviously, they need to be on the list. They are my favorite 90s band. For the record, I am very happy that Darius Rucker moved to country because it instantly made country music better and who doesn’t like hearing Hootie sing new songs?

6-10 coming tomorrow

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Dr Funke: Me as Lane Kiffin: Bobby Johnson

Posted by Mac10 on June 7, 2009

That’s right, it’s an SEC football coach analogy. You see, readers, Dr. Funke, much like Lane Kiffin, is good at what he does. Lane Kiffin is an excellent recruiter and a great offensive coach. Dr. Funke writes funny blog posts and links to entertaining, time-wasting websites. Yet, neither of these skilled professionals can help the fact that they are douchebags who have to call out their peers for no apparent reason. I chalk it up to inadequacy issues. Lane knows that he will never be as good a coach as his father, great Bucs defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin. Dr. Funke knows that no matter what he does in life, he will always be shorter than the average male.

On the other hand, you have Bobby Johnson and me. Johnson isn’t as flashy or nearly as talented as Kiffin. I am not as funny or talented a writer as Dr. Funke. We both try to accomplish our goals with a strong defense (Weekend Box Office Recaps), a methodical offense (making copious amounts of lists), and a few lucky plays (online porn reality shows). We try to go about our business in a professional manner without insulting anyone else to make us seem better. In the end, we both know that this type of behavior will win out over the headline-seeking antics of Kiffin and Dr. Funke.

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Terminator Salvation Sucks Robot Balls

Posted by DrFunke on May 25, 2009

Clever title, thou art mine. Also, bad job by me: I thought a movie directed by “McG” might not suck. The man made “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” for God’s sake, and his name is fucking McG. To be fair to him all the action scenes actually looked really cool, and the CGI worked much better than I expected it to. For the most part, the movie’s problem lay with the screenplay. I imagine the writing process going something like this: the writers came up with an outline heavy on tired action movie cliches, and when someone suggested they get to writing the actual important content the head writer stood up at the table, dropped his pants, and wiped his ass with the script. McG quickly picked up the ass-wiped script and began filming.

The script.

The script.

Obviously, the lack of necessary substance led to a pretty craptacular movie. Elements that were supposed to be subtly introduced as metaphoric or symbolic were about as a kick to the junk. The movie’s big metaphor was that a heart and compassion are what makes humans special, and the cyborg character (Marcus Wright, played by Sam Worthington) was supposed to be the focal point of that. But of course because this movie was stupid, that only came about in scenes where Hot Asian Soldier Chick (the movie blew, I’m not looking up her name) was listening to his heart and said something like “Your heart is so strong and loud!” (Quick bitch: Hot Asian Soldier Chick looked great the whole movie except for one problem. She always looked like she had a stripe of black paint across her eyes. It was distracting and looked stupid. In conclusion, Hot Asian Soldier Chick hangs out with Michael Stipe from R.E.M.) It was handled stupidly and it was way too heavy-handed, and because of that it just made the movie worse.

Something that didn’t help that at all was the movie’s use of worn out cliches from other crappy action movies. Probably the best example comes up about 15 minutes in. John Connor (Christian Bale) just lost all his men in some robot attack, and is demanding to see the human resistance leaders who are based in a submarine. They say they don’t want to talk to him and he’s on a need-to-know basis about whatever the hell is happening. He proceeds to leap out of the helicopter he’s in wearing full combat gear into a stormy ocean with like 50 foot swells. Somehow, this leads to him being on the leaders’ submarine in the next shot. The ensuing conversation between Connor and the resistance leader includes a few gems. Leader: “Dammit Connor, your stunt is going to cost you! You’re out of control!” Where have I heard that befo– oh wait every movie ever. A great exchange comes after this, when Connor asks General Goateeface man about new intel or something. Leader: “You’re on a need-to-know basis Connor.” Connor: “AND I NEED TO KNOW!” And that’s just one of many possible examples. Shoot me.

Another problem was plot holes. They were all over the place and very problematic. Here’s one that killed me: these robots are killing machines that have pretty much wiped out humanity. You would expect them to be lethal, but of course their only move is to throw people at stuff or punch them real hard without killing them. Come on, that’s just lazy. A second one (THIS ONE IS SPOILER-Y: Near the end of the movie, Marcus sneaks into Skynet HQ so that he can help, long story short, Connor rescue Kyle Reese (Franklin McDouchenstein*) (*Not his real name, but I don’t really care) because something something past future you better remember the other Terminator movies real well. He shuts down all of Skynet’s defenses after accessing the main computer system, because he apparently can access all of these things and control Skynet. Of course this happens even though he was created as a cyborg 15 years earlier, had been in essentially a coma until like 4 days before, and he was only created to essentially go undercover into the human resistance to kill human leaders. This would be like if “The Departed” started off like normal, only once Leo got into the mob Jack Nicholson let him call all the shots on day one, then Leo called the cops and arrested everyone after like 2 minutes. Which is to say, “retarded.” SPOILER OVER. There are plenty more, but I don’t feel like writing about anymore because it makes me think of the 9 bucks I wasted.

Also, what the hell happened to Christian Bale? Maybe he’s still a great actor, but he hasn’t been taking any roles to showcase that recently. The Dark Knight was great, but he doesn’t act in it, he just growls and drinks coffee while his stunt double films fight scenes. Terminator is not a whole lot different. He just shoots fake guns and yells all the damn time. Half the time I felt exactly like this. After seeing American Psycho I thought he might be one of the best actors around, but I don’t know how true that is any more.

Final point. I hate when movies get lazy. This manifests itself in a few ways. One of these I will describe as the “Ocean’s 12” phenomenon, when the people making the movie just get lazy enough to include a moment like this one in “Ocean’s 12”: In order to get access to some faggy diamond, they had Julia Roberts’ character pretend to be Julia Roberts. I swear to Jesus when I saw that in theaters I started dry heaving. As if every other part of the movie wasn’t shitty enough, that was just the icing on the turd. A second one comes up mostly in sequels, when they use famous lines from the first movie as if to say “I hope you all know we think you’re retarded and will actually enjoy this.” In TS, this happens twice. At one point, Kyle Reese says “Come with me if you want to live,” which bothered me a little bit. But the worst part? Before going on his final mission, John Connor says “I’ll be back.” No dry heaving this time, but I responded the only way I know how:

Dr. Funke reacting to Terminator Salvation

Dr. Funke reacting to Terminator Salvation

All in all, I give this movie: 4 out of 5 Dismissive Wanking Motions. Or a D+.

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Top 10 TV Comedies

Posted by Mac10 on May 7, 2009

This list is only comprised of TV shows from my lifetime so anything pre-90s was not considered.

Just Missing the Cut

How I Met Your Mother – I just started watching this show recently and it’s pretty hilarious. You always hear about how great Neil Patrick Harris is in this show, and he lives up to the hype. It also features Jason Segel and Alyson Hannigan, two of the most likeable people in Hollywood. Too much of a generic sitcom to make the top 10, but it definitely stands out from most of the crap on CBS.

Flight of the Conchords – You have to be in the right frame of mind to watch this show because it is incredibly quirky. It can be pretty slow, but anytime the band manager Murray is on screen, you have to watch. He is one of the all time great characters. It has very creative writing and subtle humor that keep you coming back even when you start to drift off during the songs.

Family Guy – When you understand the pop culture references, it is hilarious. When you don’t, it’s just confusing noise.

Top Ten

10. 30 Rock – Before the writers’ strike, I would have had this in the top 5. I have been very disappointed with the show’s progression this season. That said, when they focus on Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan, the show is unbelievably smart and funny.

9.The Office – I have to turn away sometimes because of all the uncomfortable moments (Michael’s toast at Phyllis’ wedding comes to mind), but the show usually strikes the right balance between awkward and humorous. The minor characters are what really stand out in this show. Michael, Jim and Dwight are great, but the great use of Oscar, Creed, and Kevin makes this show great.

8. Curb Your Enthusiasm – This show is pret-ty, pret-ty good.

7.The Simpsons – I haven’t watched this in several years, but no has done it for longer (or, for a few seasons, better) than The Simpsons.

6. Scrubs – Even though Scrubs had dropped in quality in the last season, it was still very sad to see it end last night. No show better combined comedy and emotional drama. The bromance between JD and Turk, the sheer insanity of the Janitor (Tony?), and everything Dr. Cox related will be greatly missed on television. Or maybe not since Scrubs reruns are on 24/7.

5. Chappelle’s Show – The highest comedy peak of any show. “Black White Supremacist”, “Mad Real World”, and “The N-gger Family” are three of the greatest sketches in comedy history. The show is only #5 because it was only on for 2 years (I don’t count the Lost Episodes) and everyone started over-using “I’m Rick James, bitch!”

4. South Park – Although I’ve been moderately disappointed by this season (even with the legendary Economy episode), the show remains required viewing every Wednesday for the 13th straight season. Family Guy could learn how to properly integrate comedic music into their show from South Park.

3. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia – The best show on TV right now. If you are not watching this yet, I strongly recommend you get off your ass and watch the first season online. For those who do watch it, the who is funnier Dennis vs. Charlie debate is one that will rage for centuries, but I will boldly make a stand and proclaim Charlie slightly funnier. (Charlie’s best episode is probably “The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis” and Dennis’s best is “The Gang Finds a Dead Guy”)

2. Arrested Development – The smartest show, comedy or otherwise, in television history. There are jokes that are slyly placed into episodes that reference events in future episodes. The show was brilliantly planned out and gets better with every viewing. Continuing on my bold statements, GOB is better than Dr. Tobias Funke.

1. Seinfeld – I struggled with this decision for several years. I know Dr. Funke will strongly disagree with AD not being #1, but Seinfeld is the greatest of all comedies. It has provided us with so many phrases that we all use in everyday conversations that it’s only comparison is Shakespeare. And this isn’t really a bold statement, but if you don’t think George is the best character, then you don’t deserve to watch the show.

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The Glorious Return Of: Weekend Box Office Recap

Posted by Mac10 on May 4, 2009

After a brutal school year filled with drinkin’ beers and bangin’ sluts (Editor’s note: sluts should read “a slut”), I am excited for a summer with no job, no money, and no friends in town. On that uplifting note, let’s get back to everyone’s favorite blog post. This is where I recap the top 5 grossing movies of the weekend without seeing them. Good times are had by all.

1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine  – This movie has some serious pros and cons. Pro: It includes the 2 best X-Men characters (Wolverine and Gambit) with certified bad-ass Taylor Kitsch (Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights) as Gambit. Con: How am I supposed to take Hugh Jackman seriously as Wolverine after that incredibly gay one-man musical he performed at the Oscars? It will take a lot for me to lose respect for Australia, but Hugh Jackman’s performance put a dent in my belief that all Australians were sweet and in a frat.

2. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past – That’s what I love about Matthew McConaughey movies. I get older, they stay the same.

3. Obsessed – This movie joins Varsity Blues on the list of most unrealistic movies ever. In both movies, the lead guy turns down an opportunity to sleep with Ali Larter because they are in a relationship. I don’t care who you are or who you are with, if Ali Larter wants to sleep with you, then you aren’t going to say no.

4. 17 Again – Here’s a fun game: Go into this movie wearing nothing but a trench coat and sit next to a row of pre-teen girls and see how long it takes for you to be escorted from the theater. My record is 4 minutes 32 seconds.

5. Monsters vs. Aliens – Any animated movie not made by Pixar gets several dismissive wanking motions.

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Dual Movie Reviews: Pineapple Express Vs. Step Brothers

Posted by DrFunke on August 13, 2008

I'd be doing myself a disservice, and every member of this band, if I saw Pineapple Express.

I'd be doing myself a disservice, and every member of this band, if I saw Pineapple Express.

So as of now, it seems like there are going to be three big comedies this summer. Tropic Thunder comes out soon, and I have high hopes for that. The two that are already out would be Pineapple Express and Step Brothers. I’ve heard a lot of debating about which of the two is a better comedy, and I have to say, how is this even a question? PE was OK at best, and SB was as good as Talladega Nights though not as funny as Anchorman. Few movies are Anchorman funny though so it’s not fair to make that a knock on Step Brothers. People didn’t rip on Knocked Up for not being as funny as 40 Year-Old Virgin, so I don’t see why Ferrell movies get that treatment but the Apatow movies don’t. Anyway, I’m going to just go ahead and review these two side by side for your reading pleasure so you don’t make the same mistake I did and pay money to see Pineapple Express.

Pineapple Express
It should be abundantly clear to you at this point that I didn’t really like this movie. It wasn’t unwatchable or anything, but I only laughed out loud about 3 or 4 times, which was definitely disappointing. Now, there are two things I need to get off my chest. First, in official interviews for the movie, James Franco claimed that he didn’t smoke pot. Consider that. Then watch this video. After watching what may be the most unintentionally hilarious interview in MTV history, you might not believe that Franco doesn’t partake in some ganja every once in a while. Second, there are certain things that I really hate only because of their fan bases. Like the Yankees, because Yanks fans are 80% retarded front-runners posing as actual baseball fans. Like Dave Matthews Band, because his fans are all dudes from places like Nantucket and Park Avenue who wear popped-collared pastel-colored polos, talk about how much money mommy and daddy have, and say “brah” without a hint of irony. Dave’s voice, though, does sound like he’s groaning with his mouth full of food, and that’s annoying and makes his lyrics unintelligible. In a similar vein to DMB, Phish is annoying because people who enjoy it are generally too high to have ever actually listened to how boring it is and how shitty the songs and lyrics are, but still say it’s their favorite band because people who smoke weed like it because the band smokes weed, and weed automatically makes things cooler to idiots. I don’t mind people who smoke weed and are relaxed about it. If someone smokes but is still a normal dude, I’m cool with it. But if someone is a militant stoner (Fav. movie: Half Baked, fav. band: Phish, wears Birkenstocks and hemp bracelets, this is what I mean by militant.), I would fully support their legally sanctioned castration, because no one is more dull or stupid to listen to or just to be around, and pothead culture bothers me enough that I pray for a meteor to hit the Burning Man Festival every year. When potheads try to get philosophical, it’s generally as stupid and vague as a question asked by a 9/11 truther, and makes equally as upset that those people are viewed by the law as my equal.

Which brings me to Pineapple Express. If you go to the IMDb page for the movie and look at the message boards, you’ll find threads that start with the title “If Everyone in the World Smoked Weed…”, then has a body that reads “The world would be a much more peaceful place.” Really? That’s your post? People like that guy should be euthanized, or at least sterilized. I’m not kidding. Oh, and the movie itself was pretty boring, a few good laughs, the best of which were ruined by the previews for the most part. James Franco (plays Saul) is pretty funny, and Danny McBride (plays Red) has some pretty hilarious moments. Seth Rogen was alright, but he is kind of wearing on me though. He was priceless in 40 YOV, pretty good in Knocked Up, and had a couple great lines in Superbad. But I’m getting to the point where I find his mannerisms and way of speaking and (you guessed it) aggressive pot-headed-ness to be sort of annoying. And regardless the whole movie is basically just one joke played out in several scenarios and a few throw away one-liners. That joke being, “Hey, people are slower and stupider but sometimes in a kind of charming way when they’re high!” Using one joke didn’t work when they tried it in Chuck and Larry, and it didn’t really work here either.

Asians get made fun of a little in the movie, which is fine with me because good stereotype jokes are comfortable and funny. The plot of the movie makes sense, it’s basically just a comedy set within the plot of a standard action movie. I was a little confused by what they were trying to do with the action though. Sometimes the action scenes would be kind of over the top funny action, sometimes they would be really intense and kind of brutal, and sometimes they were painfully stupid and cliched. I feel like the director couldn’t make up his mind on what direction to take it in. Probably because he was high.

It wasn’t bad, but it definitely wasn’t good enough to pay to see. I didn’t go high, because that’s fucking stupid. “But everyone says it was funny high!” Everything is dipshit, why would this be different?

When the movie itself finished, the friend I was with just frowned, shrugged his shoulders, and disappointedly stated, “I mean, OK.” It wasn’t as bad as Wanted, which is surely the sign of the Judgment Day’s arrival. The movie’s annoying fans have managed to ruin some of the movie for me too, which is tough because I already left the theater disappointed. Final Grade: a generous C.

Step Brothers

Seeing as I enjoy laughing when I go to comedies, I found Step Brothers to be miles better than Express. One of the big knocks on the movie is that the plot is stupid, and all it does is just look for laughs. It’s a comedy, who gives a shit if the premise is that two 40 year old dudes still act like kids then basically just fuck around for an hour and a half? Comedy is kind of like porn in the sense that plot really doesn’t matter that much. People watch each of the two genres for one reason only. They watch comedy to laugh, and porn because this is America and if you don’t like it you can just get out. I’ll reference The Big Lebowski, when the Dude says, “He fixes the cable?” The plot means nothing, no one’s trying to win an award when they’re making a pure comedy. They do have porn awards though. Anyway, I don’t see the point of fucking around, and I like it when comedies make the jokes their priority.

And secondly, Airplane, one of the greatest comedies ever, had a massively retarded plot, and spent the entire time doing anything to get a laugh. If the plot being stupid bothers you, but enough that you don’t find this or this or this funny, then I’m sorry, but we can’t be friends. So honestly, when did lack of intricate plot turn into a bad thing for comedies? Does that really annoy people more than when Adam Sandler movies spend their last 15 minutes attempting to show you that the movie has an extremely generic message? (Examples of Sandler movie morals: “Being yourself is the only way to be truly happy” or “Being yourself is the only way to be truly happy.”)

Basically from start to finish, every scene with Brennan (Ferrell) and Dale (John C. Reilly) on screen together is absolutely hilarious. It starts at the first family dinner, with Dale coming back to a Brennan insult by saying, “Oh yeah. That joke is so funny, the last time I heard it I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur,” followed by Dale on the verge of tears for the next 15 seconds. After that, it never really looks back, except a slight lull towards the end of the movie which I won’t spoil for you. Honestly, the non-sports Ferrell comedies are all known quantities. (NASCAR isn’t a sport, so Ricky Bobby counts in the good Ferrell category.) You know what you’re getting when you go into them. There are always some side-splitting moments, and they are almost guaranteed to be as dumb as shit. Like the things they say immediately after waking up, or when they make the music video for their song “Boats N Hoes.”

Part of the fun of the movies though is a bit of a carry-over from Ferrell’s SNL days, when he would routinely crack up his co-stars on live TV. Since a lot of the lines in Step Brothers were improv, you can see that Ferrell and Reilly come dangerously close to making each other break out in laughter in pretty much every scene. I hadn’t laughed this hard at a movie since Superbad, and though Step Brothers was not quite as funny as that, it was still worth the money and had some moments that were among the funniest I’ve ever seen. The lines that sum up the movie for me are these two: “Oh God, it’s so slippery!” and “Oh my God that is so beautiful. What poem is that from, is that James Joyce?” Watch the movie with these in mind, and you’ll see that they basically sum up the movie’s essence. Incredibly stupid, and much much funnier for it.

Not the best comedy I’ve ever seen, but it was a lot of fun to watch. Highly recommended if you need a laugh: A-.

One of America's heroes, ridding the world of annoying hippies.

One of America's heroes, ridding the world of annoying hippies.

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Motivational Monday: Manliness

Posted by Voltairrible on July 14, 2008

Starting today, I will post a different (de)motivational poster every week.  Is it because we all need a little help to get through the week, especially right at the start?  Is it because I enjoy crude and offensive visual humor?  Is it because my harddrive is bloated with nonsense and I need a “creative” outlet in which to release the denizens of my “Random” folder upon the Intrawebs?

Nope.

I just want an easy way to inflate my post count that requires little or no original creativity on my part.

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