Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

Dr. Funke’s Songs of the Week

Posted by DrFunke on July 7, 2009

This will be a weekly post from me, the good doctor. Maybe good isn’t the best word but you follow me. Anyway, I’m spending a lot of time in New York City this summer (*smells own farts*), which means I spend a lot of quality time on the Subway with people who look like circus freaks and smell like their own urine, or people who seem to be a walking anti-tattoo PSA, or, fittingly, some women who make me go from 6 to midnight in a heartbeat. There’s no way I’m going to talk to any of these assholes or lovely ladies, and that means I’m getting a lot of mileage out of my iPod. In these posts, I’ll put up a few songs that I’ve been listening to lately. This will be entertaining for a few reasons: my fellow bloggers will just berate the fuck out of me in the comments section. My music choices will confuse the hell out of you because I have music taste that’s oddly varied but simultaneously extremely specific and generally makes about as much sense as this sentence. If I can promise one thing, it’s that few of my choices will be current or relevant, but then again I think they’re awesome so blow me. Hopefully I’m better at this than I was with my “Links of the week” deal, because that one lasted about 2 weeks. Without further ado:

1. “Little Secrets” by Passion Pit: This song is really poppy and really electronic and hooky, and I always hate stuff like this. Then again, I loved those 3 MGMT songs, and this song is the same sort of style.

2. “Gold Lion” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Watch the video. Jesus it is weird. On the bright side: slow motion, fire, guitars getting smashed, and a solid rock song with nonsensical lyrics.

3. “Massive Nights” by The Hold Steady: I love this band. Their singer basically just talks and sounds a little drunk (which makes sense because they have a bunch of songs about getting wasted), and the band is heavier than you’d expect. *Note: the video isn’t great quality, presumably because it was filmed in Wisconsin and there were too many fat people. Doesn’t make sense? Ask me if I give a shit, fatty.

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“TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY”

Posted by Voltairrible on July 4, 2009

Seriously, don't fuck with us.

Seriously, don't fuck with us.

Happy Independence Day.  Go drink some beer, shoot fireworks, bang sloohas, and remind everyone that America is the greatest country in the world.

(Pullman after the jump)

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in Current Events | Tagged: , , , , | 1 Comment »

The Lost Dave Matthews Band Song

Posted by DrFunke on July 3, 2009

Reader, it’s no secret that I am about as mature as your average 12 year old. The fact that I laughed as hard as I did at this video simply further affirms this. If you ever say the word “vagina” around me, odds are I’ll laugh regardless of context. For example:

Some other fag Doctor, to my future wife: “Mrs. Funke, I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have vagina cancer.”
Me: (giggles)

Also, this video does a great job of making fun of Dave Matthews, which is something I support strenuously. Enjoy.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about "The Lost Dave Matthews Band Song", posted with vodpod

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Reason #31892878 Why the Internet is Amazing

Posted by DrFunke on July 2, 2009

There is nothing I can add to this. It is simply perfect as it is, and almost better without context. The only thing worth noting is that I found this over at Deadspin, and my life will never be the same. You’re all welcome.

Sir, Your Nonsense is Extraordinary and Terrifying.

“(blows out) this remind me of my friend names Helen van Biscuits. There is mexicaned resterant in my town that have contest. They say whoever make loudest fanny cough will get a year supply of burrito for free. We have known for years that our friend names Helen just love them burritos so qwerts call her up and tell her about the contest. Helen get real excited but there is one problem. she can’t make them fanny coughs loud enough. But one thing she do have is a brains.

So she do alotta research. She go to library and get books about intestines. She try eating different food. She try holdin in choclates for weeks. She try stading in diffrent position when making fanny coughs. There is no stones turned. She even have strategy meeitngs with my freind qwerts after work. Qwwerts suggest that maybe he could build tiny microphone that make it sound real loud but she say no. She is very honets and wouldn’t feel good about winnin them burritos like that. She was at the end of a road and almost give up when teh break of a lifetime happen. She watching a tv show about archetecture of buildings and they say that sometime if there the right combonation of curves and openings that sounds can become ampflied and things sound real loud. It say they use these technique in some of the most famous auditorium in all of a world.

That night she try all different things that have curves and opening. She lean her fanny on a wall, teh window, she use kitchen items like a whinsk. But nothing work. As last resort she take her fingers and make opening between middle and next finger just like mr sponk (ecept it is alittle curved). She put her hand like that around the ###### and make a cough. Babooms! It is so loud that it set off 3 car alarms on teh street. But maybe she just get lucky? She try one more time and it is even more loud. She look out a window and there is like 6 animal jsut lookin at her. When you fart is loud enough to make a animal curious you know probably gonna win burritos.

So now she is all set. The contest is today at teh retsaraunt and she knows that destiny is in her bowls. She have her technique and pretty soon she gonna eat burrito for free and the world is her oysters. The contest start and the man who own the restaraunt ( it is called la Pringles) take the stage. “Hello to everyones. Today is day of contest and whoever make teh loudest fanny cough win burrito for a year. on behalfs of me and everyone who work at el pringles, welcome and let teh farters begin! Will all contestant please come to stage.” It turn out there is only two people in contest. One is Helen van bisquits and the other is some lady names maria pringles (but they say she aint related). Teh owner say “OK, it just you two, who ever is loudest win!”

So Helen go first. She take a few deep breath. She close her eyes so she can really concentrate. Everyone get real quiet (it real packed there). She slowly hold up her hand and seperate her fingers and curve them (an old lady gasp). She turn around slow and take her her fingers and place them around the outside of teh angus. Here we go. She begin and she let out what is probly one of teh loudest noise ever to come out of a body including screams. It sound like part boat horn and part nucleared esplosion. It is breathtaking and it last for almost 20 seconds. When it is done there is total silence esept for one old man who lookin around and pointing to his ears and tellin everyone he think he is now deaf, but people is pretty much ignore him. Eventually helen turn around and one person start clappin, then a few more and soon it is become a standing ovation. “Borava!” one lady scream. another little girl go to teh stage and give helen a bouquet of flower. Helen is touched and a tear come out. Even Maria pringles look impressed. What can she do ecept to tip her hat to one hell of a fanny cough.

So teh claps die down (ecept for that old deaf man but he wife tell him to calm down and they will hearing aid later). So now it is maria turn. Everyone get quiet again and give maria they attention. Maria look around, she bite down real hard and skin on her nose scrunch. She start counting…”one….two….THREE!” She let out her cough and it sound like snores, but it get a little louder and a little louder and then suddenly there is a second noise that going with it and then ….BOOM teh window esplode! People is so confused. Where did that second part of teh cough come from and how did them windows broke? How does she do that? Teh owner of La Pringle take the microphone “We have a winner! It is maria pringles! Her farts is so loud they break them windows and is sound almost like simons and Garf’s uncle when it come out. Congratulation to maria and enjoy you burritos!” Maria start jumping up and down and I look at Helen von bicuits and she is devistating. Even people who watching really don’t know what happen. They know that helen probably was louder but Maria broke them windows. So if Helen don’t break teh windows and maria do, maria must have been louder.

Helen walk down teh stage and she is very upset. She come to us and say that she try her best and we agree. Qwerts say that he was so impressed by what she do and say he now really attracted to her because she is so talent. We agree it best to go home but Helen want to go say thank you to teh owner before she leave. She have so much class that even though she lose she gonna say thank you. Her fanny is real impressive but her character is loudest of all.

So she look around for him and cant find him. She check everywhere and then finally she look through teh door into the kitchen. That is when she see something that change she life forever. She see teh a whole bunch of people dancing around and singing. She see teh owner, he family and Maria pringle is there too. They is throwing people around on chairs like it is jewished wedding. They is all singing and laughing. She hear teh owner say that he so proud of maria pringles and that Maria is a long lost cousin and they rig teh conest so Maria would get them free burritos. It turn out that there were two little boys that threw rocks at teh windows (he give them free taco) when Maria was makin her coughs and teh second, higher pitch noise when Maria was makin her cough was actually teh owner blowing into a special ring he was wearin that make whistles. He time everything just right and with the harmony and teh glass breaking everyone get tricked into believing that Maria was making it all happen but it was all mirage.

Helen is now so mad she burst through the door into the kitchen and everybody who was dancing an laughing stop and look at her. Teh owner say, “Oh, uh, helen, oh, i we sorry that you lose and uh, we…” but helen cut him off. She slowly raise her right and seperate her fingers. Now people are getting real serioused and starting to panic. “No, dont do it helen” maria scream. But helen don’t listen. She turn around, put her fingers on teh ######. Me and qwerts have no gone to teh door to watch and helen look over at qwerts and he say to her (real soft) “I love you.” and with those words she let out a cough that so loud you cant hear nothin, you could only see teh looks over terror on teh face of teh pringle family. Some bottles of hot sauce start esploding and Maria Pringle get blown against a wall. Some of them beans also esplode and they go into teh owners eyes and I can see him mouthing “i am blind! I blind.” She finish and say “you can keep you burritos, from now on I only gonna eat chinesed.”

she walk out of teh kitchen and back in the restarant and the people part for her like a red sea. They clappin and pattin her on her shoulders when she walkin by. The old man who went deaf say that teh second farts knock he hearing back and now it is even better than ever. The mayor is there too and he say “I declares today is helen biscuits day.” Helen stop and say thank you to everyone and wave. They all wave back but with they fingers a little apart and curve as a sign of respect. Helen tap her heart and show how much that mean to her. She may not have won all them burritos but she won alotta friends and when it is all done and said, burritos go in you and come out but friends stay in you forever.

stu1ds

p and s when i was writin this i think i hear helen make a loud one …lol hey huerta if you readin this dont tell jimmy **** that i put xlax in teh chuck wagons…lol”

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Wudgles Returns, Acts Xenophobic

Posted by Voltairrible on July 2, 2009

Fellow Members of the Dick-Joke Mafia,

I’m writing this while sitting in an airport.  A foreign airport.  Let the gravity of that sink in for a minute.  Personally, I don’t mind flying.  In fact, it’s what I want to do with my life (which is sort of the reason I’m in this airport anyway), but I really don’t like airports.  Airports are pretty much a step above the DMV for me, since it involves jumping through a bunch of hoops to do something relatively simple, all the while dealing with (1) hordes of people who are dumb as shit (2) airline ticket agents who are either (2a) rude (2b) stupid (2c) both.  Needless to say, I’m pretty pissed at the moment.

“Wudgles, you intrepid traveler, what airport are you in?” you are obviously exclaiming from the edge of your seat.

I’m in the airport that services Batam, Indonesia.

Before you waste your time Googling the little slice of shit that is Batam, let me fill you in: it sucks here.  The entire city of Batam is basically a shithole.  I live and go to college in the South, and I’m used to humidity, but Jesus Tapdancing Christ it’s nothing compared to this. I walked outside the ship I was on at 5 o’fucking’clock this morning and instantly started sweating.  It is downright oppressive here and no one seems to be phased.  So, of course, the airport isn’t air conditioned, because that would be civilized.  There’s a little Indonesian girl running around in a goddamn parka while my grundle dumps sweat like the Padres dump salary.  Fuck me.

Did I also mention that since I couldn’t get on the flight with all my friends, I’m officially the ONLY white person in the airport right now?  And that I’m the only one that speaks English (well, my ticket agent spoke enough to tell me I was fucked and that her country blows).  And the food here is not exactly what I’d call “up to standards.”  Plus, it would make me shit, which is an inconvenience since THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN THE WHOLE GODDAMN COUNTRY.  Holy shit is it so hard to make the jump from using your bare hand to using something that doesn’t make you get shit all over yourself?  Everyone has iPhones, yet they swab shit out of their ass daily.  Wonders never cease.

Another thing that sucks about the airport: no chairs in the waiting area.  I can’t even begin to detail how big of an inconvenience this is.  Imagine to yourself, barely literate reader, how ridiculous the scene is right now: lone white male sitting on questionably clean floor, sweating his ass off in a 3rd world country while his laptop dies and he waits for 4 more fucking hours to check his bags in.  God, I hate everywhere that isn’t America.

Get me the fuck out of here.

I will mention three saving graces of Batam to make it seem that I’m not completely oblivious to some things that other countries have to offer (example: Mexico has burritos and women who fuck horses for a living).  First, the exchange rate is pretty awesome.  It costs roughly 10,000 Indonesian rupiah to equal US$1.  Naturally, I was pretty pumped that my bank statement made me a millionaire as soon as I touched shore here.  Most things cost less than $20, with about half of that stuff being under $10.  It’s amazing walking into restaurants and paying $0.80 for the main course of a meal.  Second, Bintang beer is delicious and cost effective.  Bintang is the local beer brewed in Indonesia, and it reminds me of the Pacific version of Natural Light.  The mall we went to sold a can of this stuff for about a buck, which is amazing for getting drunk in public on the cheap.  Third, it has a whorehouse called the Oar House (see what they did there?) that two of my colleagues visited (one got a free hummer and the other paid ~US$20 to violate some 100 pound Asian girl for half an hour).

Thankfully, I will soon be heading on to the gloriousness that is America.  I’m flying from Batam to Jakarta to Bali, which, to the best of my knowledge, are slightly less shitty.  Then, it’s on to Tokyo, where I will stock up on tentacle porn and used women’s underwear from vending machines.  Apparently, I get free booze on the trip from Tokyo to Dallas, which means that I may or may not be in zip-tie cuffs upon returning to the US of A.

MID-PACIFIC UPDATE

You have got to be fucking shitting me.  It just cost me $3 to leave Batam, and another $15 to leave the shithole that is Indonesia.

Everywhere that isn’t America can fuck off.

Shithole

Shithole

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Top Ten 90s Songs, Part Deaux

Posted by Mac10 on July 1, 2009

If you missed yesterday’s post breaking down 5 of the top 10 songs of the 1990s, then scroll down and read it you lazy fucker. Here are the final 5 (remember these are in no particular order) as well as the 25 honorable mention songs.

6. Matchbox 20- 3 AM

JCVD: Hard to argue with Matchbox 20 in the top 10 as they recorded a number of fairly big hits through the late 90’s.  On a personal note, I thoroughly enjoyed their performance at KISS Concert 98, where they finished off the night with a great set that lasted until the wee hours of the night (about 1130, but that was way past my bedtime).  Any way you slice it, Matchbox 20 deserves to be here, for either “Real World” or a number of other tunes.  While I don’t really appreciate the fact that Rob Thomas is trying to reassert himself on the music scene, I will do what I can to remember him as he was earlier in his career, not as he has been recently (sort of like a lot of people are doing with Michael Jackson…).

Mac 10: Again, another band that needs to be on the list. I would argue that they are the 3rd most important band of the 90s (behind Hootie and TEB), but I would rather have “3 AM” (their first and best hit) than “Real World.” JCVD would also claim that “Push” came out before “3 AM.” Although wikipedia backs him up, I refuse to believe that.

7. Goo Goo Dolls- Iris

Mac 10: I really only look for two things from a band:

1) An incredibly stupid name. Check
2) They sing a theme song to a Sir Nicolas Cage movie. Check

JCVD: Love the addition and slightly embarassed that I left them off.  While I love them for slightly different reasons (obviously the silly name reason, certainly not Sir Nic), I completely agree that they deserve to make the list.

8. Barenaked Ladies- One Week\

Mac 10:

I understand there are thousands of bands and songs to choose from, but the fact that BnL did not even warrant a Honorable Mention is inexcusable. Not only is this song incredibly catchy and nonsensical (like a ll great 90s songs), but it also had the added bonus of a lead singer who sang much faster than you could possibly dream. Did that stop you from trying to sing along? Of course not.

JCVD: For some reason I thought some of their big stuff came early 2000’s, but I was compeltely wrong. While “One Week” is certainly not my favorite BNL song (see “If I Had a Million Dollars”, “It’s All Been Done”, etc.), it was pretty big culturally and received tons of airplay. They should be on the list.

9. Blues Travelers- Run Around

Mac 10: You have to have either Blues Travelers or Sister Hazel (since they sound exactly alike) on this list. Of their combined 3 hits, this one is my favorite.

JCVD: Definitely agree that either they or Sister Hazel should be on here, and since Sister Hazel had a bunch of their hits released in the 2000’s, that leaves one logical choice.  Good pick, should have had them on my original.

10. Wallflowers- One Headlight

Mac 10: I leave this final spot up to you.

JCVD: ForThe Walflowers, “One Headlight”, was obviouly a big hit for them, and they also had 3 other hit singles off of 1996’s “Bringing Down the Horse” (6th Avenue Heartache, The Difference, Three Marlenas”).  They also had the hit single “Heroes” only two years later.  I think this is a very solid repertoire as I enjoy all 5 of those songs. They seem to fit in mold of at least 1 huge song, but also a couple other really good, fairly well known singles

Honorable Mention

Alanis Morissette- You Oughta Know

Deep Blue Something- Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Del Amitri- Roll With Me

Duncan Sheik- Barely Breathing

Eagle Eye Cherry- Save Tonight

Edwin McCain- I’ll Be

Fastball- Out of My Head

Gin Blossoms- Hey Jealousy

Jewel- Foolish Games

Marcy Playground- Sex and Candy

Mighty Mighty Bosstones- The Impression That I Get

Natalie Imbruglia- Torn

New Radicals- You Get What You Give

Oasis- Champagne Supernova

Offspring- Pretty Fly for a White Guy

Paula Cole-I Don’t Want to Wait

Savage Garden- Truly, Madly, Deeply

Semisonic- Closing Time

Shawn Colvin- Sonny Came Home

Sister Hazel- It’s All for You

Smash Mouth- All Star

Sugar Ray- Every Morning

Tonic- If You Could Only See

The Verve- Bittersweet Symphony

Verve Pipe- The Freshman

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Top 10 Songs from the 90s

Posted by Mac10 on June 30, 2009

This post is co-written by Jean Claude Van Dangles (His comments in blue)

These songs are in no particular order

I know, I know another list. But my iPod was stolen recently* (most likely by BobbyGee), which deprived the world of the world’s greatest 90s collection. In tribute to my fallen iPod, I consulted with JCVD, a noted 90s music scholar, to compile the top 10 songs that defined the 90s music scene.

*Having been a victim of a theft, I have changed my stance on the death penalty. Before I thought the death penalty was cruel and unusual punishment for people who broke into cars. Now I would like to personally torture and kill the person who broke into my car and stole my iPod. So basically I’ve become Wudgles.

The more I thought about the top 10 songs of the 90’s, the more difficult I realized that this little endeavor of yours really is.  Think about how many different genres that are involved.  You have the Nirvana type stuff that was obviously really big and you can go from that to bands like TLC, Third Eye Blind, and then of course you have all the great rap.  The point is, this is incredibly difficult, but I will nonetheless give you a top 10, from a bunch of various artists.  Bear in mind that I am incredibly biased and that I am also leaving out all rap, since I just find that to be way easier.  Also I am not putting up a band more than once, even if they had more than one 90’s mega-hit.  Finally, I am trying to avoid putting up bands that, while they had big hits in the 90’s, continue to have big hits today.  For example, the Chili Peppers put out Californication in 99, which I thought was fantastic, but that’s to be expected from them though, which is why I tried to avoid artists that are still huge today.

1. Chumbawumba-Tubthumping

JCVD: I feel like this is pretty much a no brainer as it was a massive hit and the band itself, like many others with huge hits in the 90’s, was a one hit wonder that faded into obscurity after Tubthumping was finally deemed overplayed.  This is a song that everyone knows and associates with the 90′, and I would suspect that many people even bought this CD (or at least I would like to think they did because I still have my copy in my room…).  Easy pick.

Mac 10: Agreed that this is a no brainer. Although I was a little perturbed that you called them a one hit wonder when they had another hit “Amnesia.” Perhaps you forgot that song. God, I’m funny.

2. Third Eye Blind- Semi-Charmed Life

JCVD-Perhaps the quintessential 90’s band, they had multiple hits, but I decided to go with Semi-Charmed life out of personal preference.  Any way you look at it, just a great tune that includes lyrics about bumping crystal meth, which makes it oh so 90’s and oh so awesome.

Mac 10: Your assessment of the band and song was spot on. The moment I learned this song was about crystal meth was probably the official end of my childhood.

3. Eve 6- Inside Out

JCVD-This is a definitely not an easy pick, but its a song that I have always had a spot for and the band fits the criteria of not being very big or famous, besides their 2 hits.  The song itself includes such incredible lyrics such as “I think sick like ginger ale”, which is great because I used to drink Ginger Ale when I was sick, so I can relate to what they’re going through.  The lead singer also insults listeners at one point crooning, “I’m not as ugly, sad as you”, which hurts, but hey he’s the rockstar so he would know (as a side note, there is very little chance the lead singer is not working in the fast food industry).

Mac 10: While I personally prefer “Here’s to the Night,” that is more a song you play at high school graduation parties in an attempt to get laid. “Inside Out” is a much better example of what 90s music was.

4. Spin Doctors- Two Princes

JCVD-This one could be my favorite on the list and the Spin Doctors represent all that was great about the 90’s.  They only have one other particularly notable song, “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”, and were essentially a two and done band.  Two Princes is a phenomenal song detailing the relationship between a poor man and a girl, who’s father clearly does not approve of his low social status.  I think this could be where Taylor Swift got the idea for “Love Story”, in which she seeks paternal approval to marry her Romeo.  In any event, just a classic tale of star crossed lovers set to vibrant, upbeat 90’s music? Yes please.

Mac 10: Simply put, a great choice.

5. Hootie & The Blowfish- Only Wanna Be With You

JCVD-Hootie and the Blowfish were huge in the 90’s and I bet Hootie pulled more tail than anyone else on this list except for Eagle-Eye Cherry, who probably pulled in a ton of chicks.  Hootie and the Blowfish had multiple huge hits, but this was my personal favorite and the fact that they faded out is really a shocker.  They released more albums after the 90’s, but did not find anywhere near the level of success of 1994’s  “Cracked Rear View”, which went platinum an astonishing 16 times and even picked up a Grammy.  Lead singer Darius Rucker has now moved into Country music, which I’m not too happy about.  Unfortunately for the Rucker and the rest of the Blowfish, the 90’s held some awesome mystique that they were unable to carry over into the 21st century.

Mac 10: Obviously, they need to be on the list. They are my favorite 90s band. For the record, I am very happy that Darius Rucker moved to country because it instantly made country music better and who doesn’t like hearing Hootie sing new songs?

6-10 coming tomorrow

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This Video is Really F’n Cool

Posted by DrFunke on June 27, 2009

Fleetwood Mac is one of those bands with a background story almost as famous as its music. They released the album “Rumours” in the 70’s, and for a while it was the highest selling album in music history. Part of what made the album so compelling was the intertwining relationships between band members, most notably singer Stevie Nicks and guitarist/vocalist Lindsey Buckingham. Confusingly enough, Stevie is a chick and Lindsey is a dude.

ANYWAY, Nicks and Buckingham were in the middle of a long-term relationship that was deteriorating, while other band members John and Christine McVie were on their way to getting a divorce, and drummer Mick Fleetwood was getting ready to nail whichever female got single first. While all of this was going on, the band wrote “Rumours” and basically all the songs were about breaking up. This gave the album an extra level of fame and, in my opinion, made all the songs about 10 times more interesting than they would’ve been normally. Take the song “Go Your Own Way” for example. It’s a great song, and people would’ve loved it regardless of context. But listen to the lyrics, and imagine singing it while the girl you’re breaking up with sings the harmony along with you. Heavy stuff.

One song that was written for “Rumours” but wasn’t included was “Silver Springs.” It’s another song about breaking up, and like many other Fleetwood Mac songs, it’s more effective when you know what was happening between Nicks and Buckingham. Knowing about them is what makes this live performance of “Silver Springs” so goddamn mesmerizing after the 4:00 mark. Take a look:

That stare down is absolutely incredible. In the words of Mac 10, “I couldn’t tell if they were more likely to fuck or fight each other right there on stage.” It’s an awesomely emotional performance of a great song, and the video is honestly an amazing thing to watch. Enjoy.

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Dr. Funke Presents: The King of All Douchebags

Posted by DrFunke on June 26, 2009

Camelot had Arthur. France had like 18 Louises. (I dare you to figure out the proper spelling of the plural of that fucking name. France is still for queers.) Boxing has Don. The South has college football/T.I., depending on who you talk to (white people or T.I.). Douchebags have Arthur Kade.

Arthur is an aspiring actor/entertainer/model/someone seeking employment in the general all-around handsome business. If you’re trying to get an idea of what Arthur’s like, do it this way: think of stereotypical movie villains – the comparison I’m coming up with right now is Sack Lodge from “Wedding Crashers.” Basically, they are all incredibly cocky about their popularity and how awesome they are, people seem to like them for some unknown reason, but they ostensibly have no positive qualities. Take one of those characters, Sack for now, and make them twice as douche-y, and then give them a blog to document their douchiness extensively on a daily basis. Now we’ve arrived at Arthur Kade.

Aside from my previous rants against Perez Hilton, my praising of Bobby Motherfucking Gee, my discussion of Mac 10’s previous law troubles, and my journalistically responsible coverage of Wudgles’ child molesting, I don’t really like to discuss individual people on SM. (It’s nice not having any credibility to defend.) But after reading one entry on Arthur’s blog, I was left with no choice. Unintentional comedy was in shambles. Modesty was erased from every Webster’s Dictionary around the world. Quite frankly, I may have briefly blacked out due to overdose of douche.

One sad piece of news from today was the death of Michael Jackson. Say what you want about the guy (“LOL KIDS ARE SAFE NOW *punches self in balls*), but he probably was the second biggest cultural icon of the 20th century behind Elvis Presley. Whereas Elvis died before coming too much of a joke and his legacy improved as a result (like most musicians who die prematurely), Mike lived on and became the Mike of recent history we all remember. The guy meant a lot to a lot of people, and he made some great music with the Jackson 5 and in his solo career that was a definitive part of many people’s childhoods. He is a legend regardless of his alleged Wudgles-esque behavior.

When someone you had some kind of relationship with dies, be it family, friends, or someone who’s cultural contributions meant something to you, is basically the one time where you need to realize it’s not time to talk to about what that death means in relationship to your career and life. If you understand this notion, your first name is not “Arthur”, and your last name is not “Kade”. In the wake of MJ’s death, he posted this link on his blog. Read this article. First off, it’s hilarious because he spends most of the time talking about how sweet he is and about the importance of the “Kade Brand” and blah blah blah dismissive wanking motion. He reacts to MJ’s death the exact opposite of the way a normal human being should. He also somehow manages to work in a paragraph about how important his workout routine is, because somehow that makes sense when talking about a guy whose heart just gave out on him. Arthur, I have a message for you: your bench press does not affect whether or not your heart continues to beat. Diet maybe, running sort of, but getting real huge twice a day like you claim to do? Not at all. Actually, when you get older and you can’t keep up your workout routine and all that muscle turns into fat, you’ll probably be the first in line to have a heart attack. So the moral of the story is that the true barometer of your level of douche peaks when you turn the death of a cultural icon into a discussion on how much you go to the gym and how awesome you are.

Read some more of his entries, because most of them bring the noise regarding unintentional comedy. Full entries regarding how awesome he is and why? Check. Actually, multiple checks because that’s literally every entry. He actually spends one entry about all the hot tail he gets and the kind of shit he used to pull when he was younger. It teeters on the borderline of unintentional comedy and absolutely infuriating, but it’s worth a read for all the reasons Arthur never meant it to be.

And one thing that kills me? HE CAN’T USE FUCKING COMMAS CORRECTLY. It isn’t difficult if you aren’t a retarded person, take the time to learn it. If you don’t, you’re just going to end up looking like a re-tard. If you don’t believe me, read this. Or check this shit out:

Our first tale is a romantic one–or so it may appear. The story begins with an email that John received one day from his new girlfriend. Consider how pleased he must have felt to read this note from Jane:

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?
Jane

Unfortunately, John was far from pleased. In fact, he was heartbroken. You see, John was familiar with Jane’s peculiar ways of misusing punctuation marks. And so to decipher the true meaning of her email, he had to re-read it with the marks altered:

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Jane

FIGURE IT OUT. In conclusion, being a huge asshole in a public forum will never make you look good. Says the pot to the kettle.

My reaction to Arthur in picture form

My reaction to Arthur in picture form

Posted in Rants | Tagged: , , , , , , | 4 Comments »

Guest Movie Review-Transformers

Posted by Mac10 on June 24, 2009

My little brother went to go see Transformers last night. Since it would take an order from Sir Nick himself to get me to see it, I will let him review the movie for you.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Galactically Stupid

Last night I was roped into seeing the new Transformers movie for the midnight showing. I continually protested to my friends that I did not wish to see anything that has Michael Bay anywhere near it, unless of course it’s The Rock (which is only good because of one man: Sir Nick Cage.) My friends told me they would team up and gang rape me if I didn’t go, so in the interest of my asshole, I decided to go. (Step over Dr. Funke, you aren’t the only anal-rapist around) Looking back, I should have just let them gang rape me, for watching Transformers 2 is worse than being anally raped (not that I have been anally raped, but nothing could be more painful than watching Shia LaBeouf act) Well moving on from raping anuses, I would like to give some more details about why this movie was so bad that my butthole hurt afterward.

Warning: The next few paragraphs contain MANY SPOILERS (not that is matters since the script was most likely written by a retarded elk…ya try and imagine that)

The acting, wow the acting. It was just flat out bad, it’s like they just tried one take for every scene and just said, “Ya that’s good enough, we can just blow something up in the background to draw the attention away from actual dialogue.” Shia, what happened, you had such a promising career in front of you while Even Stevens was going on, and I guess we just now realized we only watched that show for Beans. While Shia’s acting leaves a lot to be desired, his character, Sam, does nothing special that anyone else couldn’t do. To be honest, I never saw the first Transformer movie, but you would think that they spend a whole movie with the Transformers before, and the only thing you learned how to do was just run? I don’t remember him ever destroying a single “bad” Transformer in this movie. The only reason he is involved is because he touched a piece of rock that made him see symbols that he doesn’t understand. If you’re going to be the main role in an action movie, you have to be badass in some way, but Sam is just a pussy who screams a lot and runs. Speaking of screaming, while Megan Fox is undeniably tasty, her role involves 2 things: be hot and scream “SAM!!” every 4 minutes. The little struggle that goes on between Shia and Foxy throughout the movie is that they won’t say “I Love You.” Wow, that is the most uninteresting couple problem ever and if you can’t say that you love Megan Fox then you are obviously a faggot.

Shia and Megan take up the two main roles while John Turturro and Ramon Rodriguez take supporting roles. Turturro is usually a very reliable actor, except maybe in Barton Fink which is unbelievably boring, and he performs his role to its mediocre limitation and don’t have a problem with his character too much except for the end when he decides that he needs to climb the pyramid on which the bad transformer is on. He radios to the US Army to shoot down the transformer which they eventually do but there is absolutely no reason for him to be climbing the pyramid, he could have just as easily radioed in from 10 miles away but Michael Bay decides that he needs a somewhat main character near a big explosion. (Quick little side note: I’m pretty sure there was not a 5 minute span in the movie where there wasn’t an explosion. Is there an Oscar for that?) Now on to the newly-named most annoying character in cinematic history (He gladly accepted the title from former title holder Jar Jar Binks): Ramon Rodriguez’s portrayal of Leo, Sam’s college roommate. “Like most college dorms, Leo for some reason has a huge room that has tv and computer screens everywhere, and while it may be moving-in day for the dorm, it looks like he’s been there a good 2 years. Leo, of course gets dragged into the whole Transformer mess and complains constantly about being shot at and screams and cries every time (which in a Michael Bay film is quite a lot.) While he cries and claims that he wants out of the car every 3 seconds, when Turturro is about to leave to perform an inexplicable climb up a pyramid, Leo says he wants to ride with him. Why wouldn’t the guy who won’t stop crying about danger want to go into the most dangerous area, just an obvious move right?

Everybody likes to watch random pieces of metal clash into each other and makes loud noises right? Cause that’s what every fight scene was when it was between 2 or more Transformers. Bay decided to shoot the fights up close so you had absolutely no idea who was hitting who and whether or not the good guys were winning which made me ask myself for 3rd time throughout the movie, “Do I even care?” Also just another random comment about the Transformers, why they hell do they have teeth? And do they have dental plans where they’re from? I guess you could call them all “metal mouths” HAHAHA Oh I make myself laugh. But ANYWAY, some fight scenes were hard to tell what the hell was going on and then 2 different driving scenes bothered me because they are all driving in the desert at one point with nothing around them but sand and then BAM they are in a city, no element of time passage was used, just BAM, we haven’t blow anything up in a while, lets get going. And then right after that, the cops are following them so they say to each other they need to get away from them and then BAM they are hiding in buildings throughout the city, no need to show us how the hell the got out of the car. I’m pretty sure Hayden Christensen wasn’t in there car and “jumped” them out.

Now to discuss the ending. Another little warning, MAJOR SPOILERS HERE (but once again, if you have the IQ of 12 or above you could figure out the ending.) Optimus Prime is killed earlier trying to save Sam and now Sam has to bring him back to life to defeat Megatron. So they have to find this key they could bring Prime back to life and this key is called the “matrix” seriously it is, obviously they ran out of imaginative names and just borrowed it from an amazing movie. (I don’t care if Transformers used the word before the movie came out but The Matrix is an awesome movie and Transformers blows and so ipso facto Transformers is gay) But ANYWAY back to the ending. Sam is blown up right before he gets to Prime (obviously) and he is lying there while Foxy screams “SAM!!” for the thousandth time. We now see Sam in what looks to be “Transformer Heaven” (at this point I am cackling like a hyena from Lion King its so ridiculous) and the other Primes tell him what he already knows, it’s his destiny and he has to save Optimus (actually I’m just guessing here because I couldn’t hear anything over my own laughter, but I’m pretty sure that sounds right.) Also the matrix is the key to blowing up the sun for the transformers to use as energy (the plot of the movie, and ya I just said the plot as an aside) So of course the Transformer named “The Fallen” puts the key into the machine to blow up the sun but it has to warm up like a 1950s TV so that, thank god, give Prime time to go blow it up and kill The Fallen and he may have killed Megatron but you can’t tell who the fuck is who and I didn’t care. And then lastly we see one of the bad Transformers hiding and not getting killed (which could have EASILY happened) to ensure a third installment.

Since there is obviously going to be another one, the second film of a good trilogy is supposed to basically have to bad guys win. See Star Wars. The title was supposed to fulfill that as well, but in the end the bad guys lose anyway and they just let a bad guy get away so they can have another movie. Classic Michael Bay: focus on explosions and waving of arms (preferably with flares in hands) and forget that you have to actually write dialogue and a script. O well, better luck next time and the next time and the next time because for some reason people love his shitty movies.

Posted in Movies | Tagged: , , , , | 10 Comments »