Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

Posts Tagged ‘humor at Mac 10’s expense’

My Immaturity Knows No Bounds

Posted by DrFunke on June 9, 2009

Reader, if you scroll down to the post below this one, you’ll notice that Mac 10 decided to use a stinging analogy to disparage me, the good doctor. In review, he compared me to Lane Kiffin, new coach of the Tennessee Volunteers. UT is one of the country’s top programs. Kiffin was already an NFL coach, who was only fired because *gasp* he disagreed with some of the decisions made by Raiders owner Al Davis. Kiffin gets grief from the media because he performs ill-advised publicity-hounding stunts, essentially meaning that he occasionally makes an entertaining comment as opposed to giving normal football player or coach comments like “PLAY HARD BE GOOD TEAM 110% STEROIDS.” Kiffin’s wife looks like this, plus he played high school football with/hazed this douchebag who was a TA in one of my classes this year (A TA who snitched on a classmate of mine for playing games on his laptop, and god dammit we all know what has to happen to snitches.)

Lane's current motto for the 09-10 Volunteers.

Lane's current motto for the 09-10 Volunteers.

Mac 10 then compared himself to Bobby Johnson, the architect of the Vanderbilt team that has made 1 bowl game during his tenure. The legendary coach who built the legendary offense that’s taking the football world by storm, tentatively titled, “3rd and 6? Yup, QB draw out of a shotgun vs. SEC defences, faggots.” Again, tentative. Also, his nickname is Sarek. According to the most reliable source on Earth, that’s a Star Trek name. That does not inspire confidence in players. The Vols will be chanting “1, 2, 3, STOP SNITCHING!!!!” and Vandy will be chanting “1, 2, 3, SET PHASERS TO 100 TOTAL YARDS OF OFFENSE!!!” You decide which works better.

I never wanted to have to take this route, but I was left with no choice. In order to properly avenge my disparagement, I need to once again release an exclusive interview with one of my fellow bloggers. I once swore to never show this to the public, but my hand has been forced. Here is an exact transcript of the talk I had with Mac 10 only a few weeks ago.

Mac 10: Reed Rothchild as Dr. Funke: Dirk Diggler. Actually, I'm not sure who comes out on top there.

Mac 10: Reed Rothchild as Dr. Funke: Dirk Diggler. Actually, I'm not sure who comes out on top there.

Dr. Funke: Hey Mac 10, glad you could talk. How are you today? (Return of the Mack plays from a boombox Mac brought with him. He plays the song twice.)

Mac 10: Well Dr., quite frankly I’m not doing so great.

DF: I’m sorry to hear that, care to share why?

M10: How would you feel if the people at Chuck E. Cheese refused to let you in?

DF: Mac you’re a 21 year old, why would you go to Chuck E. Cheese anyway?

M10: Don’t you dare judge me Doc. Be straight with me: just because someone catches you jackin’ it in the ball pit doesn’t mean you should be stripped of all your rights as an American. “But Mac, you’re sick, it was a 5-year old boy’s birthday and 20 of his friends were with you in that ball pit!” Fuck that, a little protein never killed anyone. Although it burns when it gets in your eye, let me tell you buddy. It just stings for like 15 minutes. And don’t even get me started on the taste. I mean I like salt on my food but Jesus!

DF: *Dry heaving* I can barely even look at y–

M10: Shut it Doc. Just one harmless little ball pit masturbation incident perpetrated by me, Mac 10, and all of a sudden I can’t be within 100 yards of any elementary school? I’m sorry, I had mistakenly thought this was America. Where the hell am I supposed to hang out from September til’ June from 8 am to 3 pm in my van with heavily tinted windows with a built in heroin slamming center in the back? Trust me, I’ve tried chasing the dragon while choking my chicken in middle school and even high school parking lots all across the country, but dammit it’s just not the same. I guess it’s time to give little league games a second try, but that’s just not the same thing, you know?

DF: I would like to officially state that no, I don’t know.

M10: Haha like I belive that! What’s next, are you gonna tell me you don’t think the “Chronicles of Riddick” movies are better than the “Fast and Furious” movies?

DF: *Slams clipboard down on the floor* GOD DAMMIT I’VE HEARD ENOUGH OUT OF YOU! How fucking dare you! I’ve heard some terrible things in my life. I’ve heard people say 9/11 wasn’t an inside job. I’ve heard people say Nick Cage wasn’t the greatest actor of all time. I’ve had to speak to fucking Wudgles in person, man.

M10: God that’s awful isn’t it?

DF: I know right? He’s just terrible, all the time.

M10: Truly the worst, you know?

DF: Totally. Wait, SHUT THE FUCK UP, this is important! You can tell your stories about jacking off in Chuck E. Cheese ball pits and elementary school parking lots while on heroin, but to insult the “Fast and Furious” franchise? “Chronicles of Riddick” and “Pitch Black” phenomenal, yes, but that statement is just disgusting. I am getting physically ill. You are no longer welcome here, you need to go.

M10: Oh yeah? I’ll show you who’s boss, fucker! *Takes out penis and tries to slam it on the table in order to establish dominance. This move was invented by the greatest alpha male of all time, Ben Affleck. Unfortunately, Mac 10 has forgotten that he lacks in penis size what he has in sexual perversion and heroin addiciton. He misses most of the table, and accidentally slams the tip on the edge, overwhelming him with a horrible pain that should only be reserved for sheeple and Nick Cage haters. He writhes on the ground for several minutes. This action sequence was far too long.*

DF: Looks like somebody… *puts on sunglasses* … lost a game of just the tip. *Cue music* I don’t think that one actually worked too well…

There you have it readers. You decide for yourself who’s the real winner in this battle of grown ass men. Mac 10, the poor man’s Bobby Johnson/Reed Rothchild but rich man’s Wudgles, or me, a solid combo of Lane F. Kiffin, Dirk Diggler and David Caruso.

Also there are 2 morals to this story. 1: I am awful at analogizing. 2: My immaturity is depressingly boundless. Much like LeBron James, it has unlimited potential. See moral 1.

Advertisements

Posted in Current Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

I Want This Show Inside of Me

Posted by DrFunke on June 6, 2009

Before I actually start this post, I’d like to thank Mac 10 for sharing with the entire world what he’s been jerking off to this summer. I think we’d all been wondering about that for a long time, and we can all happily move forward now that we have that vital piece of information. Additionally, I’m happy that he finally managed to do 2 posts in a row without using a list. Things were getting so list-oriented I just assumed he started talking that way. For example: “1, Why hello miss, I’m Mac 10. 2, Haha well yes, I do have an erection right now. 3, I don’t know why it’s so small, it’s cold in here. 4, You’re calling the cops already? 5, God this is the third time tonight. 6, Time to drive drunk to Taco Bell.” But apparently my theory was mere inaccurate speculation.

Now that the important business is out of the way, I’d like to introduce to you one of the best shows on TV right now. It’s called “Party Down,” and it airs on Starz. Basically, it’s about a bunch of struggling/failed actors and writers in LA who work together in a catering business, and it is absolutely hilarious. To give you some basis of comparison, it’s kind of like a cross between “Arrested Development” and “The Office.” (And I think it might be a little funnier than “The Office,” because I laugh like a 4 year old whenever I get to hear the word “fuck”.) Most of the comedy comes from witty dialogue, but there’s also a lot that comes from the sheer absurdity of the characters involved. Another awesome comedy aspect of the show is that a lot of the actors have slight “that guy” status, meaning you kind of recognize them from a minor part in a bunch of other shows or movies. Let me give you a little character run-down:

Henry Pollard – Henry (played by Adam Scott, who you’ll recognize as Derek from “Step Brothers.”) is the main character of the show. He’s a former actor who achieved his 15 minutes of fame for being in a few popular beer commercials and saying the catchphrase, “Are we having fun yet?” The commercials essentially were the end of his career, and he comes to Party Down catering to make a little cash to stay on his feet via bartending. Henry is basically the Jim Halpert of the show. He hates the situation he’s in, but he ends up getting fun out of it because he doesn’t give a shit about the job and just drinks and abuses painkillers. Comedy ensues.

Casey Klein – Played by Lizzy Caplan, Casey is a struggling comedian. She’s struggling because she sucks, which oddly enough makes her character funnier. She’s basically the Pam Beesly of the show: she isn’t the funniest, but having her there makes for some of the funnier situations.

Ron Donald – Ron is fucking awesome, I’ll say it right now. He’s the head of the catering team, and takes the job and himself far too seriously. The problem for Ron is that no one else on the team respects him at all, and no one on the team gives a fuck about the job. This leads to awesome situations like this one, where people just give him as much shit as is humanly possible. Also, Ron’s dream is to open a “Soup-or-Crackers,” the fastest growing non-coffee non-poultry franchise in Southern California. He tends to ask the hypothetical “What will you think when you come into my Soup-or-Crackers…” type questions, which leads to responses like, “What the fuck am I doing in a Soup-or-Crackers?” Ron is like the Michael Scott of the show.

Roman – You probably recognize Roman from his role as beard guy in Knocked Up. (He was also awesome in the movie Adventureland, but apparently no people saw that.) Roman is a sci-fi writer. He basically has no people skills, hates everyone except Henry, and is absolutely hilarious. A majority of his scenes involve him being socially inept, or having interactions like this one with the mildly retarded other members of the team, like:

Kyle – Kyle basically plays the talentless handsome guy who is a complete idiot. To get a good idea of his character, look back at that video in Roman’s description.

Constance – After Role Models (she runs the big brother business) and 40 Year Old Virgin (Steve Carrell’s boss), everyone will recognize Constance. She’s an aging actress who has never been successful, but refuses to give up the dream. She has ridiculous stories from back in the day, and she’s consistently hilarious.

I can’t really say much more than this show is absolutely amazing, and unless you’re a sick freak who hates comedy, then check out the first episode and you’ll be hooked. The other good quality of this show is that you eventually really start to care about the main characters, and by the end of the season, it becomes an all around great show rather than just a funny comedy. Enjoy.

Also, as an aside, this is absolutely mesmerizing. I wish I could find the full video, learn all the songs from this sketch, and become a street musician. I’m very career-oriented.

How awesome am I? I can pour 2 bottles at once. Don't act like you're not impressed.

How awesome am I? I can pour 2 bottles at once. Don't act like you're not impressed.

Posted in TV | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »