Reader, if you scroll down to the post below this one, you’ll notice that Mac 10 decided to use a stinging analogy to disparage me, the good doctor. In review, he compared me to Lane Kiffin, new coach of the Tennessee Volunteers. UT is one of the country’s top programs. Kiffin was already an NFL coach, who was only fired because *gasp* he disagreed with some of the decisions made by Raiders owner Al Davis. Kiffin gets grief from the media because he performs ill-advised publicity-hounding stunts, essentially meaning that he occasionally makes an entertaining comment as opposed to giving normal football player or coach comments like “PLAY HARD BE GOOD TEAM 110% STEROIDS.” Kiffin’s wife looks like this, plus he played high school football with/hazed this douchebag who was a TA in one of my classes this year (A TA who snitched on a classmate of mine for playing games on his laptop, and god dammit we all know what has to happen to snitches.)
Mac 10 then compared himself to Bobby Johnson, the architect of the Vanderbilt team that has made 1 bowl game during his tenure. The legendary coach who built the legendary offense that’s taking the football world by storm, tentatively titled, “3rd and 6? Yup, QB draw out of a shotgun vs. SEC defences, faggots.” Again, tentative. Also, his nickname is Sarek. According to the most reliable source on Earth, that’s a Star Trek name. That does not inspire confidence in players. The Vols will be chanting “1, 2, 3, STOP SNITCHING!!!!” and Vandy will be chanting “1, 2, 3, SET PHASERS TO 100 TOTAL YARDS OF OFFENSE!!!” You decide which works better.
I never wanted to have to take this route, but I was left with no choice. In order to properly avenge my disparagement, I need to once again release an exclusive interview with one of my fellow bloggers. I once swore to never show this to the public, but my hand has been forced. Here is an exact transcript of the talk I had with Mac 10 only a few weeks ago.Dr. Funke: Hey Mac 10, glad you could talk. How are you today? (Return of the Mack plays from a boombox Mac brought with him. He plays the song twice.)
Mac 10: Well Dr., quite frankly I’m not doing so great.
DF: I’m sorry to hear that, care to share why?
M10: How would you feel if the people at Chuck E. Cheese refused to let you in?
DF: Mac you’re a 21 year old, why would you go to Chuck E. Cheese anyway?
M10: Don’t you dare judge me Doc. Be straight with me: just because someone catches you jackin’ it in the ball pit doesn’t mean you should be stripped of all your rights as an American. “But Mac, you’re sick, it was a 5-year old boy’s birthday and 20 of his friends were with you in that ball pit!” Fuck that, a little protein never killed anyone. Although it burns when it gets in your eye, let me tell you buddy. It just stings for like 15 minutes. And don’t even get me started on the taste. I mean I like salt on my food but Jesus!
DF: *Dry heaving* I can barely even look at y–
M10: Shut it Doc. Just one harmless little ball pit masturbation incident perpetrated by me, Mac 10, and all of a sudden I can’t be within 100 yards of any elementary school? I’m sorry, I had mistakenly thought this was America. Where the hell am I supposed to hang out from September til’ June from 8 am to 3 pm in my van with heavily tinted windows with a built in heroin slamming center in the back? Trust me, I’ve tried chasing the dragon while choking my chicken in middle school and even high school parking lots all across the country, but dammit it’s just not the same. I guess it’s time to give little league games a second try, but that’s just not the same thing, you know?
DF: I would like to officially state that no, I don’t know.
M10: Haha like I belive that! What’s next, are you gonna tell me you don’t think the “Chronicles of Riddick” movies are better than the “Fast and Furious” movies?
DF: *Slams clipboard down on the floor* GOD DAMMIT I’VE HEARD ENOUGH OUT OF YOU! How fucking dare you! I’ve heard some terrible things in my life. I’ve heard people say 9/11 wasn’t an inside job. I’ve heard people say Nick Cage wasn’t the greatest actor of all time. I’ve had to speak to fucking Wudgles in person, man.
M10: God that’s awful isn’t it?
DF: I know right? He’s just terrible, all the time.
M10: Truly the worst, you know?
DF: Totally. Wait, SHUT THE FUCK UP, this is important! You can tell your stories about jacking off in Chuck E. Cheese ball pits and elementary school parking lots while on heroin, but to insult the “Fast and Furious” franchise? “Chronicles of Riddick” and “Pitch Black” phenomenal, yes, but that statement is just disgusting. I am getting physically ill. You are no longer welcome here, you need to go.
M10: Oh yeah? I’ll show you who’s boss, fucker! *Takes out penis and tries to slam it on the table in order to establish dominance. This move was invented by the greatest alpha male of all time, Ben Affleck. Unfortunately, Mac 10 has forgotten that he lacks in penis size what he has in sexual perversion and heroin addiciton. He misses most of the table, and accidentally slams the tip on the edge, overwhelming him with a horrible pain that should only be reserved for sheeple and Nick Cage haters. He writhes on the ground for several minutes. This action sequence was far too long.*
DF: Looks like somebody… *puts on sunglasses* … lost a game of just the tip. *Cue music* I don’t think that one actually worked too well…
There you have it readers. You decide for yourself who’s the real winner in this battle of grown ass men. Mac 10, the poor man’s Bobby Johnson/Reed Rothchild but rich man’s Wudgles, or me, a solid combo of Lane F. Kiffin, Dirk Diggler and David Caruso.
Also there are 2 morals to this story. 1: I am awful at analogizing. 2: My immaturity is depressingly boundless. Much like LeBron James, it has unlimited potential. See moral 1.