Sans Morality

drinkin’ beers, bangin’ sluts

Posts Tagged ‘Links’

“You, Sir, are a Weak, Timid, and Untrustworthy Homosexual”

Posted by DrFunke on July 14, 2009

Reader, rap is primarily pretty horrible. Except for a few of the best, rappers in general can barely form sentences and only rap about 2 or 3 different things. (Namely, in the words of Jay-Z, a.k.a. Hova, “Money, cash. Money, cash, hoes.”) One thing I always found hilarious was to translate rap lyrics into the real English language because it basically proves rap is never about anything different, and basically guys find ways to say the exact same thing over and over. I can listen to it if I’m wasted, but for the most part I just like to laugh at it. Someone who also has internet access seems to agree with me, and I cannot stop watching this video. I figured I’d share my joy and musical snobbery.

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Reason #31892878 Why the Internet is Amazing

Posted by DrFunke on July 2, 2009

There is nothing I can add to this. It is simply perfect as it is, and almost better without context. The only thing worth noting is that I found this over at Deadspin, and my life will never be the same. You’re all welcome.

Sir, Your Nonsense is Extraordinary and Terrifying.

“(blows out) this remind me of my friend names Helen van Biscuits. There is mexicaned resterant in my town that have contest. They say whoever make loudest fanny cough will get a year supply of burrito for free. We have known for years that our friend names Helen just love them burritos so qwerts call her up and tell her about the contest. Helen get real excited but there is one problem. she can’t make them fanny coughs loud enough. But one thing she do have is a brains.

So she do alotta research. She go to library and get books about intestines. She try eating different food. She try holdin in choclates for weeks. She try stading in diffrent position when making fanny coughs. There is no stones turned. She even have strategy meeitngs with my freind qwerts after work. Qwwerts suggest that maybe he could build tiny microphone that make it sound real loud but she say no. She is very honets and wouldn’t feel good about winnin them burritos like that. She was at the end of a road and almost give up when teh break of a lifetime happen. She watching a tv show about archetecture of buildings and they say that sometime if there the right combonation of curves and openings that sounds can become ampflied and things sound real loud. It say they use these technique in some of the most famous auditorium in all of a world.

That night she try all different things that have curves and opening. She lean her fanny on a wall, teh window, she use kitchen items like a whinsk. But nothing work. As last resort she take her fingers and make opening between middle and next finger just like mr sponk (ecept it is alittle curved). She put her hand like that around the ###### and make a cough. Babooms! It is so loud that it set off 3 car alarms on teh street. But maybe she just get lucky? She try one more time and it is even more loud. She look out a window and there is like 6 animal jsut lookin at her. When you fart is loud enough to make a animal curious you know probably gonna win burritos.

So now she is all set. The contest is today at teh retsaraunt and she knows that destiny is in her bowls. She have her technique and pretty soon she gonna eat burrito for free and the world is her oysters. The contest start and the man who own the restaraunt ( it is called la Pringles) take the stage. “Hello to everyones. Today is day of contest and whoever make teh loudest fanny cough win burrito for a year. on behalfs of me and everyone who work at el pringles, welcome and let teh farters begin! Will all contestant please come to stage.” It turn out there is only two people in contest. One is Helen van bisquits and the other is some lady names maria pringles (but they say she aint related). Teh owner say “OK, it just you two, who ever is loudest win!”

So Helen go first. She take a few deep breath. She close her eyes so she can really concentrate. Everyone get real quiet (it real packed there). She slowly hold up her hand and seperate her fingers and curve them (an old lady gasp). She turn around slow and take her her fingers and place them around the outside of teh angus. Here we go. She begin and she let out what is probly one of teh loudest noise ever to come out of a body including screams. It sound like part boat horn and part nucleared esplosion. It is breathtaking and it last for almost 20 seconds. When it is done there is total silence esept for one old man who lookin around and pointing to his ears and tellin everyone he think he is now deaf, but people is pretty much ignore him. Eventually helen turn around and one person start clappin, then a few more and soon it is become a standing ovation. “Borava!” one lady scream. another little girl go to teh stage and give helen a bouquet of flower. Helen is touched and a tear come out. Even Maria pringles look impressed. What can she do ecept to tip her hat to one hell of a fanny cough.

So teh claps die down (ecept for that old deaf man but he wife tell him to calm down and they will hearing aid later). So now it is maria turn. Everyone get quiet again and give maria they attention. Maria look around, she bite down real hard and skin on her nose scrunch. She start counting…”one….two….THREE!” She let out her cough and it sound like snores, but it get a little louder and a little louder and then suddenly there is a second noise that going with it and then ….BOOM teh window esplode! People is so confused. Where did that second part of teh cough come from and how did them windows broke? How does she do that? Teh owner of La Pringle take the microphone “We have a winner! It is maria pringles! Her farts is so loud they break them windows and is sound almost like simons and Garf’s uncle when it come out. Congratulation to maria and enjoy you burritos!” Maria start jumping up and down and I look at Helen von bicuits and she is devistating. Even people who watching really don’t know what happen. They know that helen probably was louder but Maria broke them windows. So if Helen don’t break teh windows and maria do, maria must have been louder.

Helen walk down teh stage and she is very upset. She come to us and say that she try her best and we agree. Qwerts say that he was so impressed by what she do and say he now really attracted to her because she is so talent. We agree it best to go home but Helen want to go say thank you to teh owner before she leave. She have so much class that even though she lose she gonna say thank you. Her fanny is real impressive but her character is loudest of all.

So she look around for him and cant find him. She check everywhere and then finally she look through teh door into the kitchen. That is when she see something that change she life forever. She see teh a whole bunch of people dancing around and singing. She see teh owner, he family and Maria pringle is there too. They is throwing people around on chairs like it is jewished wedding. They is all singing and laughing. She hear teh owner say that he so proud of maria pringles and that Maria is a long lost cousin and they rig teh conest so Maria would get them free burritos. It turn out that there were two little boys that threw rocks at teh windows (he give them free taco) when Maria was makin her coughs and teh second, higher pitch noise when Maria was makin her cough was actually teh owner blowing into a special ring he was wearin that make whistles. He time everything just right and with the harmony and teh glass breaking everyone get tricked into believing that Maria was making it all happen but it was all mirage.

Helen is now so mad she burst through the door into the kitchen and everybody who was dancing an laughing stop and look at her. Teh owner say, “Oh, uh, helen, oh, i we sorry that you lose and uh, we…” but helen cut him off. She slowly raise her right and seperate her fingers. Now people are getting real serioused and starting to panic. “No, dont do it helen” maria scream. But helen don’t listen. She turn around, put her fingers on teh ######. Me and qwerts have no gone to teh door to watch and helen look over at qwerts and he say to her (real soft) “I love you.” and with those words she let out a cough that so loud you cant hear nothin, you could only see teh looks over terror on teh face of teh pringle family. Some bottles of hot sauce start esploding and Maria Pringle get blown against a wall. Some of them beans also esplode and they go into teh owners eyes and I can see him mouthing “i am blind! I blind.” She finish and say “you can keep you burritos, from now on I only gonna eat chinesed.”

she walk out of teh kitchen and back in the restarant and the people part for her like a red sea. They clappin and pattin her on her shoulders when she walkin by. The old man who went deaf say that teh second farts knock he hearing back and now it is even better than ever. The mayor is there too and he say “I declares today is helen biscuits day.” Helen stop and say thank you to everyone and wave. They all wave back but with they fingers a little apart and curve as a sign of respect. Helen tap her heart and show how much that mean to her. She may not have won all them burritos but she won alotta friends and when it is all done and said, burritos go in you and come out but friends stay in you forever.

stu1ds

p and s when i was writin this i think i hear helen make a loud one …lol hey huerta if you readin this dont tell jimmy **** that i put xlax in teh chuck wagons…lol”

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Quick Link That is Awesome

Posted by DrFunke on June 11, 2009

This article comes from Cracked.com, and I’m posting this because quite frankly it gave me about 15 minutes of wildly uncontrollable laugh attacks in the middle of my office. Needless to say, my bosses all think I’m high or crazy, and I need to share that article with someone. Basically it’s part 2 of why my day is awesome, part 1 being that I had a run in with Steve Nash while I was on my lunch break. He is surprisingly tall, and apparently there aren’t any physical features or pieces of flair that Canadians have that indicate they are in fact Canadian, and therefore dangerous. Bonus points, I might get to talk with Dennis Quaid on the phone at some point. Today would be amazing if I wasn’t so hung over.

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Links of the week

Posted by DrFunke on June 1, 2009

Let’s do this dance.

1. The Fat Jew. Normally, I feel the same way about Twitter as I do about pretty much everything else ever: I hate it irrationally for reasons I can’t quite articulate because of brain trauma induced by heavy drinking. A lot of my job this summer involves me spending time on Twitter, and that means a lot of the time I want to perform self-lobotomies in my office. This guy, however, is probably the only good thing to ever happen on Twitter. Search until you find the post, “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.'” God I hope Twitter is only a fad, or else it will eventually become the hippies/Jews to my Eric Cartman.

2. Black People Love Us. You’re welcome.

3. The 7 Most Mind-Blowing Foreign TV Moments. Mild racism, out of context TV clips, and joyous music videos? Sign me up. I nearly peed my pants at number 5.

4. If you have some time to read… This is a pretty long story, but it’s cool. This dude from Raleigh ran into a bunch of Pittsburgh Penguin players at a bar one night and ended having an epic story to tell, and the moral is that NHL players are awesome to drink with. They became the Neil Patrick Harris to his Harold and Kumar. I write the worst analogies ever.

5. The Onion Rules. Another awesome Onion News video. I dare you to not waste your time searching through the older videos. I recommend the dorm party arson video and the talkshow host who’s suddenly extremely interested in manslaughter law loopholes. Also, I just realized this post makes it seem like I find murdering hobos/random drifters to be one of the most entertaining things ever. My mom must have been drinking when she was pregnant. 😦

Enjoy. Mac-10 and I will be working on more stuff about the Wire, and I’ll be putting up another few posts this week.

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Links With Dr. Funke

Posted by DrFunke on May 4, 2009

After Wudgles’ timely post over 2 weeks ago, we are finally back in action. We are now a year older and a year wiser, except neither of those things. If anything this is going to be the exact same as last summer’s blogging, except for more brain damage from another year of alcohol abuse and lack of oxygen from banging so many sluts (I may be doing it wrong). First thing’s first, I’d like to summarize our year for you brave readers in picture form:

From left to right: Dr. Funke, Wudlges, and Mac 10. Ah, the memories.

From left to right: Dr. Funke, Wudlges, and Mac 10. Ah, the memories.

It’s almost certainly an accurate depiction. ANYWAY, I’m here to start a new weekly feature that will almost certainly last for at least one week, and that is “Links with Dr. Funke.” I’ll pick a few things I’ve been wasting my life with recently, and then encourage you to do the same thing so maybe I don’t feel like such a piece of shit when I wake up at 3 in the afternoon every day because someone made a few videos of Sesame Street mashed up with hardcore rap videos and I stayed up all night to watch them. Carpe diem.

1. Bambi on YTMND. This fine piece of modern art is all at once hilarious and incredibly stupid. Therefore, it is right down my alley.

2. Auto-Tuning the News. I love this for a few reasons. First, it provides evidence that rappers are still talentless, because the Katie Couric portion of this is better than 95% of all rap (for further evidence of rappers being talentless, see pretty much all rap ever). Second, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything less funny than the angry gorilla. If those guys are trying to make decent comedy videos, they should know the first rule of animal suits and comedy: always go with the bear suit.

3. The Kenny Powers audio book tapes. HBO’s Eastbound & Down was somewhat of a pleasantly awesome surprise on TV this spring. It may not be a show for everyone (for example, men who wear women’s clothing and other assorted fags, or perhaps terrorists), but people seem to either hate it or love it. If you haven’t watched it yet, then this clip will most likely make it clear which of those 2 sides you’re on.

4. “How to Handle the IRS” by Daniel O’Brien. Dan O’Brien writes with cracked.com, and he might actually be one of the funniest writers around right now. He consistently writes columns that make me pee a little bit in my pants. Go through some of his older stuff, which for the most part is just as good.

5. Excerpts from reviews of bad movies. There is some pretty amazing stuff in there, probably peaking at the link to the article reviewing The Sphere a little way down the page. The only disappointment? No excerpts from negative reviews of Wanted, the worst movie ever made.

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