I’d like to talk to you guys about the HBO show “True Blood.” You know, the one with the vampires and Anna Paquin ballin’ out in a small Louisiana town. Let me get this out of the way: the show is complete trash. Every episode ends with a cheap cliffhanger that rarely ends up amounting to anything. (Remember the episode of “South Park” where everyone’s waiting for this one show to use the word “shit” on air for the first time? Then when it finally happens, it’s just one guy talking to another saying, “Hey, you got some shit on the side of your mouth.” That’s the best way to describe the pay-off you get from most TB cliffhangers.) All of the characters are pretty much exaggerated stereotypes. The show’s idea of giving a character depth is to make them 2 different stereotypes at once, like being a gay black dude. Pretty much every character is a sex addict, and none of their interactions even moderately resemble something that would happen in real life. The only consistent occurrences on the show are sex and violence. This is the show your parents watch, then follow up with the comment “This show is the end of Western Civilization.”
And I absolutely fucking love it.
“BUT DR FUNKE YOU LIKE SHOWS ABOUT VAMPIRES YOU ARE SUCH A FAGET YOU LIKE TWILIGHT WHERE’S MY HELMET ROFL” you say to me. It’s a show essentially about vampires, but it is not like that pussy “Twilight” stuff. The vampires on this show are badasses who like to bone stuff and then eat it and do other generally awesome things. The show explores vampire culture and society in really, really interesting and unique ways that will definitely pique your interest. On TB they burn into dust when exposed to sunlight, take in willing humans to feed on them and subsequently bang them, reveal that they created many rumors about their weaknesses to protect themselves over the centuries, and generally just kick ass. These are the vampires that terrified you as a kid, not the ones who bone whiny fat chicks and sparkle in sunlight. Also, a few drops of their blood sends humans into a euphoric state, or can heal severe injuries almost instantly.
Really, the show only appeals to my most base instincts, especially enjoyment from excessive sexual and violent content. And who am I to deny my instincts? God/Allah/Billy Zane made me this way for a reason. Besides, there are orgies in season 2. Orgies. Where else can you find that on TV?
Oh yeah, the show is also pretty clearly supposed to be a metaphor for civil rights (gay rights, race relations, etc.), but no one gives a shit about that because it’s boring and no one can bone civil rights. Here’s my synopsis of season 1: a Japanese company starts manufacturing synthetic blood, vampires start to try to integrate to normal society. Some people don’t like this, so there’s opposition. People have sex a lot, some people get murdered, there’s a mystery, and I have a fucking great time. The show is also unique because I basically couldn’t care less about the main 2 characters and the main story arc. I love the show for the supporting characters. Let’s get into that.
Sookie Stackhouse – played by Anna Paquin. She can read people’s minds, and has had the ability her whole life. Her telepathy makes her valuable to vampires as you eventually learn. She falls in love with Bill, a vampire, and is then subject to much scrutiny (all of which she hears via telepathy) by pretty much her entire town. She is annoying as shit, but pretty hot and gets naked a bunch of times. Weigh the pros and cons.
Bill Compton – main guy vampire played by some guy. Bill is occasionally pretty compelling, like when you learn about his past (he was a Confederate soldier and was turned into a vamp during the Civil War). But his love story with Sookie pretty much blows. Again, the 2 main characters are probably my 2 least favorite.
Jason Stackhouse – Jason Stackhouse is Sookie’s much more awesomely named brother. As far as I can gather, he stopped attending school after the third grade, worked out constantly for about 9 straight years, then started banging everything ever and has yet to stop. He is absolutely fantastic, providing plenty of comedy and most of the sex scenes in the first season.
Tara something – Sookie’s best friend, a black girl with a fresh new character type: sassy from a broken home. Oh wait, that’s every black character in movie/TV history? Alright, I’ll talk to you guys later.
Lafayette – Tara’s gay black drug-dealing cousin, who works as a cook at a bar called Merlotte’s with basically all the other main characters. Lafayette is 1 of my 2 favorite characters, and is making me wonder why I always find the badass gay black dudes on HBO shows to be so awesome (See: Little, Omar). He is always hilarious, occasionally beats the crap out of a redneck. (Sample: some hick finds out Lafayette is cooking his burger, and jokes he doesn’t want AIDS from his food. Lafayette comes out, silences the entire place, and announces that from now on all Merlotte’s burgers would be prepared with AIDS. He then beats the piss out of the redneck, and throws him out of the bar. A day in the life of a short-order cook.) Finally, he calls people “hooker” affectionately, and that is awesome.
Sam Merlotte – owner of Merlotte’s, has an uncomfortable crush on Sookie. That aside, he’s generally a likable character with kind of a cool shady past. He has very solid fashionable stubble, and provides most of the only interesting moments in the Bill and Sookie relationship.
Eric – The vampire “sheriff” of that specific part of Louisiana. He is huge and Nordic looking. Eventually, it gets revealed that he was turned into a vampire when he was a Viking warrior and HOLY SHIT THAT IS SO FUCKING AWESOME. Eric is a total bad ass, and he needs his own TV show. Also, he maybe wants to bang Sookie but whatever. He needs to focus on more being sweet and killing things and generally dismissing everyone with wank motions.
There are plenty more minor characters of note, but those are the ones worth focusing on to start. Anyway, watch this show. It’ll be worth your time, because this is America and who doesn’t love sex and violence and a relatively solidly written show with a cool and original concept? Everyone? People are just watching “Jon and Kate Plus 8”? I quit.